Caregiving, in its rawest form, is an odyssey of love, loss, and resilience that can both break and fortify the human spirit. Witness the profound journey of Tammy Marvin as she shares her experiences of bidding a sacred farewell to her mother, father, and sister. Through her sorrow and strength, you'll find solace in the invisible threads of faith and family that hold us together, even as the physical world tries to pull us apart.
Tammy's voice resonates with the echoes of a blended family's love, and the episode is laden with moments that reveal the tender balance between joy and challenge in caregiving. The tales unfold to show how spiritual awakenings and the warmth of shared laughter can pierce through the veil of mundane routines, creating a haven of memories and silent strength. Tammy's stories are a testament to the unexpected gifts that caregiving can bestow upon the ones who walk alongside those nearing life's final threshold.
This episode is not just a conversation; it's a beacon of guidance for those navigating the turbulent waters of caring for a loved one. It underscores the necessity of a robust support system and the art of maintaining balance amidst the storm of emotions. Tammy's insights on self-care and finding peace in grief shine a light on the path to emotional well-being. Her wisdom serves as an intimate roadmap for fellow caregivers, reminding us that even in the toughest goodbyes, one can find the grace of a life well-loved and a departure free of regret.
Caregiving, in its rawest form, is an odyssey of love, loss, and resilience that can both break and fortify the human spirit. Witness the profound journey of Tammy Marvin as she shares her experiences of bidding a sacred farewell to her mother, father, and sister. Through her sorrow and strength, you'll find solace in the invisible threads of faith and family that hold us together, even as the physical world tries to pull us apart.
Tammy's voice resonates with the echoes of a blended family's love, and the episode is laden with moments that reveal the tender balance between joy and challenge in caregiving. The tales unfold to show how spiritual awakenings and the warmth of shared laughter can pierce through the veil of mundane routines, creating a haven of memories and silent strength. Tammy's stories are a testament to the unexpected gifts that caregiving can bestow upon the ones who walk alongside those nearing life's final threshold.
This episode is not just a conversation; it's a beacon of guidance for those navigating the turbulent waters of caring for a loved one. It underscores the necessity of a robust support system and the art of maintaining balance amidst the storm of emotions. Tammy's insights on self-care and finding peace in grief shine a light on the path to emotional well-being. Her wisdom serves as an intimate roadmap for fellow caregivers, reminding us that even in the toughest goodbyes, one can find the grace of a life well-loved and a departure free of regret.
Welcome to the best of 2023 on a season of caring podcast. This is Raina Nysos, your host, and I'm excited to be able to share with you, in the month of December, the top four listen-to podcasts for the entire year of 2023. Thank you so much for joining me for Stories of Hope for Family Caregivers. We break through the loneliness and busyness of the caregiving life to see God even in the midst of this difficult season. Today, we have a really special guest who will be sharing her difficult story. None of us like to think about the end of our caregiving season, but Tammy was able to share the truth of God's love in such an amazing way while walking her loved one's home. So join me as we listen to Tammy Marvin's story. Tammy is married to the love of her life, tim. They are a blended family with six adult children and 11 grandkids. You lucky dog.
Speaker 1:Tammy has spoken in churches for various groups of women on many different subjects. She's a mentor to moms in mocks for over 10 years. She was a music teacher and children's chaplain for a private Christian school for over 25 years. Outside of ministry, tammy is a hairdresser by trade for 46 years and God has used her profession to have many opportunities to share the love of Christ in many different ways. Tammy's also currently volunteers at her local pregnancy center. Welcome, tammy. Thank you so much for joining us today. Thank you, reina, for having me. Well, I'm excited to be able to have you share. Let's just start off and introduce our audience to your caregiving story, so share a little bit about who you cared for and what that looked like for us.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, it started in 2002 when my mother moved in with me. My mom and dad had been divorced since I was a little girl, so my mother moved in with me and within a couple of months, she had gotten cancer in her face. We had surgery, we went to the doctors, we tried to get her the help that she needed and thought that we did, but she ended up passing away six weeks after. Her and I built a little house together and so, with my brother and we I love the phrase that you always said together we walked our mom home with our families. And then, in 2019, my dad got artery disease in his legs and he began his journey in trying to find help to care.
Speaker 2:And then COVID hit and we couldn't be without each other. He didn't hear very well, so I was his ears at all of his doctor's appointments and so forth. So then he my brother and I, again with our families, helped, walked my dad home and we took care of him in his own home. And we were sent a gift with my mom and my dad, a family friend who worked for hospice named Emma, and so she was with us during the daytime on both my parents and so all of us together again walked my dad home. He passed away May 2020. So it's coming up on what two, three years, three years already, isn't?
Speaker 1:that amazing.
Speaker 2:Yes, time has just flown.
Speaker 1:And it's weird. It doesn't feel like that long in some ways, but in other ways it feels like forever goes. Since you got to be with him, it does.
Speaker 2:It does. And then, four months after my father died, my sister was only 68 and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and she lived with her daughter. But we had the privilege of having 10 months with her and then again helping my niece and her family, as well as our families, of seeing my sister home to heaven. So my sister was rough. That was very difficult. Our parents, you know, were older and my sister being so young, that was a really hard loss and hard to see her suffer.
Speaker 1:Well, I think too it sounds like there was that compound grief that was going on there that it was almost like I could barely take a breath, and then I go from mom being gone to now dad needing help, and when you're in the caregiving role it's just really a lot of focus and a lot of energy needed to sustain right here and right now. And so processing that grief and being able to move forward with the grieving process is really hard to do, especially then to lose dad and move right into realizing you're losing your sister. So a lot in a really short period of time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's still hard.
Speaker 1:I'm sure it's very hard.
Speaker 2:Yes, I can't look at pictures, or during that time we took a lot of pictures and stuff and it's really hard.
Speaker 1:Eventually they'll be a good thing, but it is a hard thing and I think it's also important to acknowledge that and say, with the grief that you had that compound grief, one right after the other, the process of really moving through the process of grief. It's not surprising that it's still pretty difficult, but it's something that the Lord's faithful in his timing to help us walk through. If we're willing to allow ourselves to do that and I think that can be can feel a little tricky as well.
Speaker 2:It's very tricky. That's why we need him so bad. Definitely, definitely.
Speaker 1:So thank you for introducing us to your family and I'm sorry. That's a lot of loss and I'm sure it's a lot of good memories and I love that, and that opportunity to kind of come together as a family and really support them is so important. Is there one specific caregiver story that comes to mind that you'd like to share with?
Speaker 2:us. Yes, and I'm switching it up on you, raina, okay, you're fine. So my dad was 93 and he was a man's man, lived in the Depression, made his way out here to California when he was 16 years old and he built his own business. He paid his bills. Even in his end days, he had 100% of his mind, very smart man with only an eighth grade education, and so he was a very manly man. He wanted everything to be his way and on top of that, he was very funny and very charming, very, very strong will.
Speaker 2:And you know, my husband would come and sleep there at night with me and my husband would say you know, charlie, are you okay with the Lord? Do you want to pray? Shall we talk about this? Do you know God? My dad would say I know God, I know God.
Speaker 2:Well, one day we all left my dad and went home to take showers, and our caregiver, emma, stayed with him, and so she was kind of bossy. She said, charlie, we're getting down to business. Have you ever asked Jesus to be the Lord of your life and ask him for forgiveness? And my dad said well, actually I know God, but I have never done that. So Emma said let's pray. He was 93 years old and he was in a wheelchair and he prayed and when he opened his eyes he said Emma, has my house always been this beautiful? And then he started just it was an electric wheelchair going from room to room and going. Why is everything so beautiful? So at 93 years old, about 30 days before he closed his eyes to be with Jesus, he accepted him as his Lord and Savior. So never give up hope.
Speaker 1:That's amazing and I love that. Your husband was that constantly trying to open that door, but it is so amazing how God has the timing of all people to let Emma be the one. But you know, it's okay, we all get to be in heaven anyway. So that's amazing that she was just that bold, and I found that caregivers were able to have conversations with my dad that I wasn't as comfortable having. So I love that, because I do think it just comes right back to the team. Everybody has their own role and everybody has their place and how it is that we make room for everyone.
Speaker 2:So Absolutely yes, I like that.
Speaker 1:So what was one thing that surprised you most about caregiving?
Speaker 2:I see that well, number one, while you're in it and you feel like the days are very long when you're looking back. I look at that time, as that was so fast. So what surprised me during the time of caregiving was that I really enjoyed. I knew that my dad was leaving us just recently. I knew my sister only had so much time, so what was so surprising is how it felt so precious. And then my time with each of them was just so precious that what you would intentionally do something like for instance, I would have to change his feet but you did it with joy and you did it with so much more compassion because you knew that this was it, I hope by making sense about being surprised by the hard things but yet it was so precious and you knew you were doing the will of God at the time.
Speaker 1:Just how, even the things that were mundane, there was joy in it and there was purpose in it that brought joy. So that's yeah, I agree. And it is hard because my experience with caregiving was it was a terminal illness. You didn't really know the end was coming. With your mom too, it sounds like it was a little. It was a surprise that it came and it did. You felt like you had you know that she had been able to tackle it, and then all of a sudden it was quick and that was kind of the way it was with my dad.
Speaker 1:I always say that I'm like he was sick for 14 years, but we were surprised when he died. That doesn't make any sense, but it does happen that way.
Speaker 2:It does make sense though. Yes, yeah, yes.
Speaker 2:I think being intentional, though, like my mother, I remember wanting a strawberry soft ice cream because she didn't have a palette, and so I went all over town and found a yogurt shop at 930 at night and it wasn't, I guess, being surprised. It wasn't hard, it was like joyous because my mother wanted strawberry ice cream. So you found joy in that that you were going to make her happy, happy. You didn't have much time, but that was a little thing in life that you could do, yeah, no-transcript.
Speaker 1:I know in a million ways, so I asked this question. But how did God show up for you? What's one specific thing that made you just go? Oh, he's here.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes. Well, when my mother was sick, it was very special. My son played the guitar and all of our family my brother and his family would come over at night and my son would play hymns and I would lay next to her in the bed and sing in her ear, even when she was in a coma, and she would respond with her eyebrows. I just could feel the Holy Spirit filling the room and every night we would have prayer.
Speaker 2:So it was a very tangible Holy Spirit filled night. And with my dad we didn't have that because he had kind of that sundowners disease where he would start getting very anxious at night and stuff. But even in the dark of night I felt like the Lord was very present because I felt so weak that I knew he was the only one that was helping us get through it.
Speaker 1:Be strong. Yeah, so yes, yeah. It is amazing what we can do when we think there is no more of us left because of his strength.
Speaker 2:So that's a good point, because so many times you're caregiving on it. Yet you know that your job is very important in. It's like having a baby. They can't do for themselves in these situations. Our parents could not do for themselves, so it was up to us. So that's very true.
Speaker 1:Well, and what a beautiful memory to have of just that sweetness of the Holy Spirit there, with your mom and your brother and your son and just all of you being able to really worship together on this side, and that probably makes it even more exciting to think about worshiping again together on the other side. I can't wait. I just love hearing Tammy talk about that experience with her family. You know, my mom passed away on a Saturday night and one of the most vivid memories still to me 25 years later is Sunday morning when I was in church and we were singing the song. I can only imagine it's immediately as I began to sing that song and imagine. I can only imagine what it's like to walk there. In my mind. I saw my mom walking there in heaven and there was such peace with that. It was such a long, hard journey with her. It was amazing to be able to see her again in a way of being healthy and being so happy. That was one memory that I just cherish of really visualizing what that will be like and to really be with her again. It's been a long time, but I'm ready when the Lord is to reunite our family.
Speaker 1:Just wanted to mention one more time our Take Heart Community of Christian Caregivers that will be starting next month. At our next podcast you will have a sign up page. You can go and learn more about that. There's some great bonuses that are going to be available for being a part of our community, but I am so looking forward to being able to really gather us together and offer just one more opportunity to seek the Lord in the middle of the season, to remind each other, when it is hard and things feel impossible, that he is there, he knows and he is not surprised by anything you're going through as a caregiver.
Speaker 1:I just want to invite you again. If you'd like information about being a part of the community, you can visit acesendofcaringcom slash imin, or visit our show notes page and you'll find the link right there to get on the email list, to just get that information right out of the gate and be ready to join us Content. Caregiver Magazine will be a bonus for being a member of the community. It will be a monthly publication and I am so looking forward to being able to share all of that great content with you as well. So remember to keep your eyes open, join that list or be ready to hear more about it on our next podcast. So let's get back into our conversation with Tami. So what's one thing that comes to mind that helps you to live content, love well or care without regret?
Speaker 2:Well, again, the emphasis of feeling weak at the time is that spiritually, I needed to almost be built up so I could do the job of caregiving, so I could be over there when he needed me, so I could, you know, maybe come home, have breakfast with my husband and my husband and I, every single day, would do devotions together.
Speaker 2:I'd come home for an hour and we would read the word and we would pray, because, you know, life didn't stop. There was still other things going on, and so you just have to be for me to live and be able to even be content in that situation and yes, I'm not, I wasn't perfect. I remember driving home and seeing my friends out on walks together and go well, I have to forget to walk again because the nights were so long. But for me to be able to have that time with my husband to read and pray and do devotions would really almost. It was like my food for the day he is building me up and for whatever is going to happen that day. But because, as you well know, things happen like he might not have had a good day or he was in a lot more pain than he was the day before, or things like that. I felt like I had to be girded up almost with the word to be able to function and do what I had to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I love that your husband was such a supporter, both being there with you physically as well as then, just in girding you up in that spiritual way too, of helping to continue that mentor and to feed you when you needed it, because I'm sure there were times that it just you were weak even in going to the word yourself. So to have that partner to really lift you up and be the one that holds your arms up, as we do with Moses in the fight, just having that support when you needed it.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, and I would even watch little videos of comedians, like a comedian named Leigh Ann Morgan, who's hilarious, because I wanted to laugh too. I knew that life was still going on. My husband had taken care of his dad, so he knew what it was like to take care of his parents, so he was very supportive and understanding.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's amazing. I love both of those points of just that. He had already walked it and so he knew what it was like to bury them without regrets and wanted that for you, and the other point that you made of just that. Life has to be balanced.
Speaker 1:Yes, and that's a hard word, because it's hard to find balance in the middle of caregiving, but we have to create it. So, finding ways to laugh, finding ways to still engage with people such an important thing to do, and we forget that. I know, during my caregiving season, I found myself a little irritable, a little, I don't know, and I started talking to the Lord about like, what am I not? You know, what am I missing? And it's like my creativity.
Speaker 1:I love to create and I was sewing and painting and doing all these things before, but then, as I was spending half the week with my dad, I wasn't doing those things and it just that reminder of, oh okay, I haven't done any of that creative outlet. And so I found myself then looking for opportunities and I signed up for an online art self-paced thing that I could do that had projects and things, and so it helped me to. I put dad to bed early that's when he wanted to go to bed and I had hours anyway. He was like, why am I not doing something? So, finding things to be able to build that creativity. I love that you found videos or people to help you laugh, because I do think that it does make such a difference for our hearts, so absolutely.
Speaker 1:So, we're going to wrap up here, Tammy, with one final little nugget of truth that you could share with our caregivers. That might offer them some encouragement.
Speaker 2:Well, I think it's that idea that I love what you wrote it in your book and you sent me all kinds of notes during the time of my dad being sick and I just ate everything that you sent me.
Speaker 2:So I pray that you have a rena in your life that will build you up and if not, then listen to our podcast because it's very encouraging.
Speaker 2:And also I have to give a shout out so much to our hospice friend, emma, who lives in our town and find yourself and Emma and I know that they're hard to find in their view and far between, but there are people who feel called to the ministry of walking your family home to heaven, and I know that I wouldn't have been able to do it without her and so I'm grateful that God allowed her to come in and she did a lot of the hard things that I couldn't do with my mother, that my brother and I had to do with our dad, but my mom was just for me.
Speaker 2:It was just so tender that my caregiver did it and she was here during the day. So I hope and pray you find yourself a rena and the Emma to build yourself up and, of course, to always hang on to Jesus because it's a learning journey. As long as you're praying for God to open your eyes and to see everything he wants to teach you and that homegoing of your loved one, then you feel like it's such a sacred and precious time and you wouldn't trade it for the world and you really are able to say I don't have one regret. I did everything I could do because I was focused, I was intentional and I had help. I had the help that I needed with. Reina was precious at sending me excerpts of her no regrets book, so I was in on some of the reading of that and it was just another way of building up, of doing what I was doing, the hard stuff, and then, of course, for my friend Emma and then staying in the word.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you for the kind words that. I totally agree. You have to find those people that are supporting you, and I love how you knew, or you found yourself needing certain kinds of encouragement and that there are all different places and people that can help you with that. So such a great reminder to really make sure that you are looking at what your needs are and finding a way to get those needs met. So many times when I meet caregivers that have regrets and are resentful for their time, it's because their needs were never considered, and it's our job to take care of our own needs as well as help care for our loved ones. So so much wisdom there. Tammy, thank you so much for joining us and I really appreciate you sharing your stories. So, tammy, if our listeners would like to get in contact with you and have you as a speaker for their group to be able to share your story, how could they get in touch with?
Speaker 2:you. They could get ahold of me through Tammymarvin at gmailcom and email me and then we could get together and I would appreciate that so much.
Speaker 1:Thank you for joining us today for Stories of Hope with Tammy. This episode has been brought to you by Finding Peace in Grief, a resource available for you and your family members to be able to really explore what grief looks like, as Tammy shared her story of having caregiving for her mom, her dad and then her sister. Grief is a big piece of that, both while our loved ones are here and after they're gone. Learning to process that grief is such an important piece, allowing God to come alongside and help us to do that. The resource that I've created is designed to help you consider where you are in your grief process and help you to consider if lament could help you move forward. In that, you can learn more at aseasonofcaringcom. Thank you again for joining us. The Season of Caring podcast has been created to share stories of hope for living content, loving while and caring with no regrets. If you have financial, legal or medical questions, be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.