[00:00:00] Rayna Neises: Welcome. This is Rayna Neises, your host of A Season of Caring Podcast, where we share stories of hope for family caregivers, breaking through the busyness and loneliness of life to see God, even in this caregiving season.
[00:00:16] Today, I'm excited to introduce you to our guest. Dr. SheriYarbrough, she's the owner of Praxis Senior Caregiving Solutions and the author of OMG, I'm the Grownup, A Conversation on Giving Care to a Loved One and Yourself. Prior to becoming a family caregiver, Dr. Yarbrough was an organizational change consultant for education and not for profit organizations.
[00:00:41] When Alzheimer's dementia arrived without warning, she used her ability to view a circumstance from multiple perspectives to understand what her mother was experiencing. That became the genesis for her care management strategy the Praxis for care. Living the Praxis for Care helps create her motto caregiving is what you do for your loved one. Giving care is what you do for both of you. Dr. Yarbrough earned her PhD in Education Policy Studies from University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign, and she has a Master's in Education from the University of Illinois at Chicago and a BA from Spelman College. Thank you so much for being with us today, Dr. Sheri. I'm excited to visit with
[00:01:23] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: Oh, it's my pleasure to be here.
[00:01:25] Rayna Neises: Well, let's start off just learning a little bit about your mom. So introduce us to her and what your caregiving looks like for
[00:01:31] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: My mom is Muriel Yarbrough. She is 96 years old and we've been on this care journey through dementia since the fall of 2010 when I walked into a doctor's appointment as a daughter and walked out the primary caregiver to an Alzheimer's dementia patient.
[00:01:53] Rayna Neises: That's tough,
[00:01:55] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: Yeah.
[00:01:56] Rayna Neises: especially when you didn't see it coming. So there wasn't really any warning that you were aware of.
[00:02:02] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: Not that I was aware of. But looking back, now knowing Alzheimer's dementia,
[00:02:08] I see the signs now. I didn't know what I was seeing when I was seeing it.
[00:02:15] Rayna Neises: Yeah. So she was what? 78 when she was Is that right? 79. Yeah. So that's really hard to know what normal aging looks like and what, what dementia looks like. That's one of the number one questions that people have is, is what's normal and what's not normal. So I can definitely imagine that my parents were diagnosed so much younger that that was a little different journey. So what does your role as her caregiver look like right now?
[00:02:42] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: Let's see, what am I? I'm the driver, the financier, the cook, the housekeeper, the Entertainment buddy. I am the everything,
[00:02:55] Rayna Neises: do you have support? Do you have caregivers that come in and support you?
[00:02:58] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: Yes, I do occasionally have a caregiver and that's, that's very helpful because it just gives me some time periodically to breathe.
[00:03:09] Rayna Neises: Yes. Absolutely. Yes. I love how you said that because that's exactly what you need to do. Sometimes I meet people who have caregivers that come in. They feel like they almost have to entertain the person who's there. And it's like, no, this is your space, your time, breathe and go do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
[00:03:24] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: Sometimes, you know, it's not, it's not all the time, but sometimes just being able to go to the grocery store slowly and not have to rush first thing in the morning before mom gets up and fly through, but to be able to just go and go slowly and really think
[00:03:45] through where, you know, what do I need? How, how am I going to Build this for the whole week. Sometimes that's a good thing.
[00:03:58] Rayna Neises: just even breathing while you do it, when you have to have things to do, it's still being able to just do that at your own pace.
[00:04:06] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: Exactly. Exactly. I think being a family caregiver, you find yourself rushing a lot
[00:04:13] because you've got so much to do and you're
[00:04:16] trying to get everything squeezed in.
[00:04:19] Rayna Neises: Yes. Definitely. There is always a to do list and it always has more on it than anybody could do.
[00:04:26] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: Oh,
[00:04:26] absolutely.
[00:04:27] Rayna Neises: and you're always thinking of that
[00:04:29] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: Absolutely. Absolutely.
[00:04:31] Rayna Neises: Share a favorite caregiving story with us.
[00:04:36] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: Wow. Pick one out of 14 years. You mentioned earlier that your mom had become nonverbal. And so my mom was, was a talker. She would talk to anyone if they were standing still longer than 10 seconds, she's going to start talking to you. And so seeing her trying to fight to find her language is sometimes really hard. And so what I've described it as, I describe it as her Ruthie language. And there are these times when she'll, she'll talk to you and she'll maybe she'll get two or three words out. And then it just sort of trails, but she's looking at you. She's, and it all has inflection. She's looking at you. She's got you by the hand and she's telling you something. She's telling you all about something, now whether you really understand what she's telling you, but it's, it's that part of her that wants to stay connected. So recently, while we were hiding in our winter hideaway, There were some wind surfers coming out of the water and she looked and she said, they put the thing over there. And I just looked at her and I said, yes, they did. And so those moments when whatever we're doing allows her brain to grab her words that she wants to say, and to say a complete sentence, and she hasn't said a complete sentence in two, maybe three years. But in that moment She was able to get her words. And so it's little points like that, that become my favorite moments that when she's, when she's gone, I'll be able to remember that she had this moment on a beach where she could get her own words.
[00:06:42] Rayna Neises: I think that's one of the hardest things in caregiving for someone with Alzheimer's and dementia. And even, especially for those that have never caregived in that realm before, is you don't know the last until Quite a long time after, right, because there are these spurts, these moments, these times when, something happens again, that hasn't happened in a while.
[00:07:07] When I think back, I cannot recall, which, of course, it's been a very long time. My mom's been gone for a over 25 years. But, you know, just trying to remember her saying my name, you know, I, I don't. And so, but I think that's one of the things that's so important about being in the moment and enjoying the moment.
[00:07:30] So you don't miss those things because you might not know that it's the last time, but you will remember it when it is. Mm
[00:07:38] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: It's, it's interesting that you bring that up. She doesn't, her brain won't let her process the fact that I am her youngest daughter. She cannot say my name. But she can look at me and know that I'm supposed to be there. I'm this person who's supposed to be there. I remember as her language was starting to erode, she looked at me one day and she said, you're my baby daughter.
[00:08:07] And I said, yes, I am. And so carrying those little moments of, carrying those moments. And it's, it's important for caregivers to Really, stop and breathe and take care of the, and embrace those moments because that's what's going to help shape the memories you want to carry
[00:08:36] Rayna Neises: For sure.
[00:08:37] I love Sherry's passion and honesty and her caregiving season. I hope you're enjoying my conversation with her.
[00:08:46] Today's episode is sponsored by me. As your guide and friend on this caregiving journey, I know that you can feel overwhelmed, uncertain, and just need someone to truly listen. And that's what I'm here for as an International Coach Federation Certified Coach specializing in caregiving. My mission. Is to support you in balancing caregiving your career, your family and your own needs with grace and faith. In each coaching session, we tackle the challenges, celebrate the victories and find peace and purpose in your caregiving. You are not alone. Let's navigate this journey together. Visit my website at www.Aseasonofcaring.com to learn more about my coaching services. And how we can connect. Together, we can make your caregiving journey, a journey of love and strength. Thank you for sharing this time with me. And now let's jump back into my conversation with Dr. Sheri.
[00:09:50]
[00:09:51] Rayna Neises: So what would be one thing that surprised you most about caregiving?
[00:09:58] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: That it made me happy.
[00:10:02] Rayna Neises: Tell us more about
[00:10:03] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: Yeah, I'm just kind of smiling and thinking about it. That's another one of those things I didn't see coming. And I think what's made me happy is just knowing that I've given her the best quality of life under a really challenging circumstance. And me giving that to her, as well as giving myself some breathing space, created a little, created a little happy, little happy pot.
[00:10:36] And I know most people would think, you're caring for someone with Alzheimer's Dementia, how could you be happy? Well, I'm happy because of how we've chosen to live through this. I'm happy because I like that we can, she may not be able to put her own shoes on, but I know that once she gets those shoes on, we can go somewhere. And so I'm happy that I learned to understand that early on. And so we just do things. We do things based on what she's able to do and that gives you those spaces for those little sparks of those little sparks of good moments can happen. And that's, what's made me happy.
[00:11:28] Rayna Neises: I love that. I think so many times as people, caregivers or not, as people, we have a hard time holding on to multiple emotions. We think, especially those emotions that we would define as opposites. So we would think that because something's hard, that we can't be happy in the middle of it. And it's not true.
[00:11:48] In the hard, there is joy. And there is happiness. So I love that. Thank you for reminding people to look for that and to really experience it when you're in the moment and you're having that interaction with her. There is joy, there is happiness and we just have to be aware of it and feel it and not just allow the bigger, harder feelings to overwhelm those quieter
[00:12:13] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: I think that that's also part of, the narrative of, of living with Alzheimer's dementia is that it's hard. It's full of loss. You're going to be grieving. You're going to have all of those types of emotions and you do and you do But life is is a balance You won't know hard unless you've had joy You won't know joy unless you've had heart and so those two become counterweights for each other And so it's important to remember that they are counterweights You're going to get one, but the other is also there as well.
[00:12:56] And so it's important to give your, and then sometimes we feel guilty. Like I shouldn't be laughing at this time. You know, they do funny things. They can do some funny things. And you, and you start thinking, Oh, Oh, I shouldn't laugh at that. Yeah, you should. If it's funny.
[00:13:18] Rayna Neises: It's funny.
[00:13:19] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: If it's funny, it's funny.
[00:13:22] Rayna Neises: Yes.
[00:13:24] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: Give yourself the space and the grace to enjoy whatever that moment is bringing. Because the hard moments will come, but then the joy ones will be there too. So you must those counterweights together.
[00:13:42] Rayna Neises: Share with us obviously it's been a long journey and I know that God's been there in the middle of it all, but share a story about a time when God showed up for you.
[00:13:53] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: God showed up for me during our detour, well at the beginning of our detour through breast cancer. And God told me, you have a choice. You can continue living life the way you have been. You can look at this moment and choose differently. And in that moment, I was challenged to think about, you know, We didn't get along very well for many years. And I had allowed that narrative to be who we were, but in that moment of having to make decisions and take actions for a person who was losing her ability to do that for herself, it became, you know what? This is in front of you. You must choose. And God pushed me into that space of choosing whether I wanted to continue living the life. Whatever life we had left the way we had been, but did I want to do the hard work and live it differently?
[00:15:10] Rayna Neises: And by taking that step to live it differently, then you've developed The Praxis for Caring. And so share a little bit about what that's like and how that's helped you
[00:15:22] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: Well, when we look at life, it's a continuum. We all have a past. We were living in our present and future's going to come. And so I learned that I had to get our past out of the way with forgiveness. Not just for her, but for me as well. I had to live the moments that we are living in the space where we are to live that with patience for both of us. And if I can live this moment with patience. Then I can accept what's coming at me and I can make the best decisions moving forward. And so we have that, that dynamic, but then we also have to have our fundamental values driving how we live those dynamics. And so for me, they were honor to value the relationship. Trust to know what's true, being honest to face what's true and respect for how we treat each other. And that became my Praxis for Care.
[00:16:39] Rayna Neises: and being able to learn those things for yourself and be able to adopt that and move forward in that. Honestly, I know for me, if it weren't for my caregiving, I wouldn't have fine tuned and really lived by my values, I think, as well as I've learned to because of caregiving. And I love that opportunity that God really has shown me through my life, that he was preparing me to be able to do that.
[00:17:07] And even since, my dad's been gone, it'll be six years in June. So, Even since then, all that I've learned through that process, then to be able to share with others and to be able to talk about him and honor his memory at the same time as continue to grow and encourage other people has been such a blessing.
[00:17:26] So I love how God works those things out in a way that we didn't even know to ask for it. Right?
[00:17:32] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: And, you know, when we, when we think about our faith, so much of faith is about, you know, we can't live in our past. You can't live there. And the past can sometimes be that dual edged sword where it's either going to push you forward, or it's going to trap you where you are. And so forgiveness gets that out of the way and
[00:18:05] patience lets you deal with deal with these days for whatever they are. You know, some days are going to be okay. Some days are just, and then some days are going to be really hard. But patience lets you get through that and acceptance helps you not to just resign yourself that this is a difficult part of your life, but acceptance means that you're going to find a way through that difficult. You accept it, you embrace it, and you move through it because it's, it is a part of your life. Whether you, whether we would have chosen it or not, it is here.
[00:18:45] Rayna Neises: Exactly. And thankfully it's a part of our life that he knows about and he here for a reason , he's allowed it into our lives and so that gives us hope in being able to know that this isn't, I often say whenever I'm praying, I often say, you know, Lord, I know this hasn't surprised you, it surprises me, but this is not surprising you and there's comfort in that for me.
[00:19:07] So I know I love that. I can trust him.
[00:19:12] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: Absolutely.
[00:19:14] Rayna Neises: Yeah. So tell us a little bit about how we could learn more about your book and, and stay in contact with you.
[00:19:22] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: Well, my, my book is available on Amazon and I have my podcast, which is called Straight Talk for Giving Care and it's on Spotify. I also have a website where you can find that. And also, I also do just a weekly blog, it's about three minutes long about just living life as a caregiver. And you can find that on my website, www.praxisforcare.com
[00:19:56] Rayna Neises: Well, Dr. Sheri, thank you so much for sharing a little bit, just a tiny little peek into your caregiving life and about your mom. It's been a joy to have you today
[00:20:05] Dr. Sheri Yarbrough: Thank, you so much. It's been my pleasure being here.
[00:20:09] Rayna Neises: And listeners. Thank you for being a part of our podcast today. Remember that A Season of Caring Podcast has been created to share stories of hope for living content, loving well, and caring without regrets. If you have legal, financial, or medical questions, be sure to contact your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.