The Importance of Empathy, Communication and Support in Caregiving: Stories of Hope with Pamela Duran

When it comes to caregiving, every journey is unique and filled with its own set of challenges. Imagine being the primary caregiver for a loved one battling with health issues like cancer and a vagus nerve condition. That’s the story of our guest today, Pamela Durand, who courageously took on these demanding responsibilities. Her experiences and insights, including the difficult decision of taking away her father’s driving privileges, empathize with the often silent battles caregivers endure, highlighting the importance of empathy, communication, and support.

Navigating through the different seasons of caregiving, we focus on the experience of caring for aging parents. We delve into personal reflections and share anecdotes, exploring the difficult conversations and emotions that arise. Additionally, we discuss upholding the dignity of our loved ones while offering them support. We emphasize respecting and understanding the traditionalist generation and the often-overlooked complexities of caregiving. 

Finally, we ride the emotional rollercoaster of caregiving, where we share our experiences and advice on managing the unexpected. We discuss the need for continuous communication, managing amplified emotions in older individuals, and the surprises that caregiving brings. Join us, as we learn, grow, and find hope in the world of caregiving.

Chapters

• 0:01 Caregiving Journeys and Grief Simplified
• 9:47 Navigating the Challenges of Caregiving
• 15:23 Lessons and Emotions in Caregiving
• 22:13 Support is Key
• 25:22 Be the Hands and Feet of Jesus

Transcript

[00:00:00] Rayna Neises: Welcome. This is Rayna Neises, your host of A Season of Caring Podcast, where we share stories of hope for family caregivers breaking through the busyness and loneliness of life to see God even in this difficult season. Today I have special guest Pamela Duran. I'm excited to introduce you to Pamela. She has an MBA and is an IT business professional entrepreneur, Community Leader, podcast host for Real Heart Talk- you Are Enough. She's founder of Lift Up Events, designed to lift up others and show them the journey is not as lonesome as it seems. Motivating and encouraging others to reach for their dreams, helping them realize a bigger vision for their lives. She's a spiritual vision coach and distributes free Bibles and encouraging bookmarks to help arm her community with their Sword of the Spirit during these times of spiritual warfare. Pamela has a heart and a passion to make an impact in this world. She loves the Lord and her family, writing, singing, and songwriting. 

[00:01:04] Welcome, Pamela. Thank you so much for being with us today.

[00:01:08] Pamela Duran: Hello Rayna thank you for having me today. It's exciting and I feel honored to be here with you.

[00:01:14] Rayna Neises: I'm so glad. I'm excited to have you share a little bit about your caregiving. You had a couple of different journeys in that, so introduce us to who you cared for and tell us a little bit about what that looked like.

[00:01:25] Pamela Duran: So first was my dad. His journey really started in 2017, and we had moved up to be near them at that time because he was having issues. With they, I think they said it was his vagus nerve. And so it, the first time that I came that it happened, well, they ran off the road at Christmas is when things started and wound up in the hospital. Neither one of 'em were too badly hurt, but of course their car was totaled. And so that was when we knew we needed to get closer. And so we don't even know what happened, but he, he looked like he was dead. I mean, I remember them getting over there and they were taking him out of the house and he just looked dead Rayna, , and I couldn't breathe.

[00:02:17] I couldn't, I was just crying so hard. I called my son, you know, my oldest son. He was thought, mom, just calm down. Just breathe. You know? He was, he's an EMT and a firefighter and. So he knew, what to say to me, but

[00:02:30] Rayna Neises: Yeah.

[00:02:31] Pamela Duran: it was just so horrible. So from then on, it was just a continuous wound up in the hospital. Maybe every three to six months, they didn't know what was going on. And then of course he would get there, that he would feel better and then he would wanna leave

[00:02:46] Oh.

[00:02:46] and

[00:02:47] that's so hard when that happens. So tell us is so the vagus nerve, it just makes them pass out, right?

[00:02:54] It's something kind of like having a heart attack in your stomach or somewhere in your midsection. I don't know about it, but it's something like that, that it definitely caused his problems. And he had cancer as well. So one of the times that he was in the hospital, they found out that he had nodules like near his lungs or somewhere, around there. The doctor was only saying, you know, he was only gonna live like maybe a year, a year, if that. But he did live maybe two or three years after that, and so he ran off the road more than once. I, I was scared for him. I didn't want him to drive. But again, taking their keys away. , what do you do? I mean, I know there's other people listening that are probably going through the same thing.

[00:03:48] Their, their parents not be driving, but can't get the keys away from 'em. 

[00:03:53] Rayna Neises: Yeah. It's tough and I think so much of it. I know for my dad. Taking the keys away from my mom. It was, he just drove all the time. But that was kind of how they did it. When they were together, he always drove and so it was definitely a lot easier. But with my dad, we just kind of put somebody there to take him places.

[00:04:11] But it can so hard, especially when you're not the primary. You were just a support to, to them. And whenever you're dealing with somebody that has their faculties, they can make their own decisions. And as a child, I think we often sit back and just cringe. They're adults. We can't force them to do something if the doctor's not going to. So

[00:04:33] Pamela Duran: Yeah. 

[00:04:34] Rayna Neises: it's

[00:04:34] tricky.

[00:04:36] Pamela Duran: That's for sure. So that kinda cycle just kept going on. Of course, then Covid hit, which I'm glad we were just maybe two miles from them where we live, so we're close and we would come, bring 'em stuff, leave it on the porch and, and my dad would say, but we're not sick. We're not sick. You know? And I'm like, well, we don't wanna make you sick.

[00:04:55] They were a lot older. Not, we weren't sick either, but you know. They were saying you can't get near people. It, it was just crazy. We had, we did have events there, but was outside, so we had tables and I remember us having, it was either his birthday or Father's Day, or Mother's one of those days outside. So it was but it was just continuous like that for a little while. Going to the hospital, he didn't wanna stay and I mean, I don't, we just took him home. Let the doctors do anything. And so what happened is my mom got real sick. Well, first of all, his brother, his oldest brother died and they were really close.

[00:05:39] And that was during Covid, right when Covid started. And they didn't get to have the funeral, go to the funeral or anything. And I remember one Sunday. I don't know. I guess I was just feeling my dad's heart and I couldn't stop crying. I, I'm like, I told my husband, I said, I gotta go over to see, see mom and dad, you know. So I went over there and we sat out on the swing and just cried and talked about my uncle 

[00:06:04] Rayna Neises: hmm. Yeah.

[00:06:05] Pamela Duran: And so just a lot of things

[00:06:08] Rayna Neises: So hard.

[00:06:09] Pamela Duran: but that was, that was really hard for him because, his brother was, they were just really close,

[00:06:16] Rayna Neises: Yeah. Yeah, and it's such a hard thing because we took that away. Just the funeral and the whole grieving process.

[00:06:25] Pamela Duran: Mm-Hmm.

[00:06:25] Rayna Neises: The beg, you know, what we've always known for it, in just being able to be that outward expression of it and it still hasn't come back like normal. I mean, I've been amazed at how . It's just not the same as what it used to be. But I do think there's a lot of people that are, are really stuck in their grief because it's been such a weird way of grieving.

[00:06:49] Pamela Duran: I agree. So after that. I believe after that, was when my aunt started getting sick. And so I did sit with them a season, and this was for my, before my dad passed away. And a lot of times I think, you know, I spent a lot of time over there with them. They lost their children at a young age. So my cousins were 20 and 21 when they died, and.

[00:07:13] I was helping them in the spirit of what I felt like my cousins would want, and I've just mentioned that now because I spent a lot of time over there that I could have been spending with my parents, my dad, but I was trying to help them and go get them situated and we had everything situated for her.

[00:07:34] The palliative care was coming, the hospice was involved. We just had it working and then we, we got her on the disability and put her in the nursing home. That was four miles from my uncle, and he's a very prideful man, . So, he didn't like some, some of the things that I did, so they made me like interim Power of Attorney over her medical. If she or him could not make a decision. It was only if they could not make a decision and he didn't like it. So he really undid all that time that I spent over there. 

[00:08:11] I'm not bitter about it or have hard feelings. I'm glad that I helped her 'cause she, I would tell her, you're such a faithful woman, or You're a woman of faith, because she was always a woman of faith in the church. Did puppet ministry, you know, everything like that. And was an example for all of us. Nieces coming up, you know, behind her . So she says, well, I don't feel like a woman of faith. I'm like, you are a woman of faith . So I wanted to help her.

[00:08:38] Rayna Neises: Yeah. And it's hard because it wasn't received with the intention definitely that your heart was in the right place. But it sounds like she benefited even, from what you were able to do and how you were able to be there. It is hard to navigate. It really is to know how to be able to. Include them in the decision making, but at the same time, sometimes we feel like we have, and then there's just this sudden, change and it just changes. And so it's a matter of then being able to let it go and, and let them make the decisions they need to make until it, it reaches a point where they can't make them anymore. 'em anymore.

[00:09:15] Pamela Duran: Well, and I can tell you and your listeners, when you're walking through the season, , and I appreciate the title of your podcast. 'cause it is definitely a season. It's not here to stay. It's like Les Brown stay says it. It has come to pass. You know it's not gonna stay there. But when you're walking through that.

[00:09:35] And then you have even said this to me before, just be respectful. And not that I was ever, I was never disrespectful, but I realized they're, they're a traditionalist. They're in that traditionalist generation. They came up when it was hard times. They worked for everything that they've had hard and it means something to them.

[00:10:00] Even if you think. Something could be done that's better. They're comfortable with their things. Those are their treasures, and that's their treasures. It doesn't matter what we think, , it doesn't matter what we, if we could do better for them, it doesn't matter. They want their treasures no matter how old or dusty or whatever. They just want their treasures and I think people should remember that. Mm-Hmm.

[00:10:24] Rayna Neises: Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. It's hard, it's hard to navigate and emotionally it just seems like we can see things more clearly, but not necessarily what really works for them. And so it, it is that process of trying to communicate and offer and then allow them to do what, what they decide they wanna do. And that's, that's tricky.

[00:10:49] Pamela Duran: So after all that, and then I was cut off. So back to my parents . We did have another Christmas, well, we had a Thanksgiving or a family reunion and that was the last one that my dad was at. That was in November before he passed by sorry.

[00:11:12] Rayna Neises: That's okay. It's hard.

[00:11:14] Pamela Duran: Yeah, so that was a good time. And then we had, him and my mom had got real sick. And I don't know that they had covid, but it was kind of like the flu. And that was in the February timeframe. And then he lost another friend during that time, which he couldn't go to the funeral 'cause he was sick.

[00:11:36] So mother got better. I can't, 'cause he, daddy called me, he said, I think you need to come check on your mom. And not knowing how sick he was, but he didn't wanna go to the hospital. He wanted to stay home. So mother got to feeling better. And then one night she called me, she said, can you come over here? I can't get your daddy up out the floor,

[00:11:57] Rayna Neises: Oh.

[00:11:58] Pamela Duran: And so I came over there and he was talking to my brother and I guess I don't know what my brother said to him, but he got up out of the floor and then that was. It wasn't more than a week from then when he passed away,

[00:12:15] Rayna Neises: Hmm.

[00:12:16] Pamela Duran: so

[00:12:16] Rayna Neises: So kind of sudden, but yet not when you see the whole picture. But in the moment it was probably felt really sudden.

[00:12:23] Pamela Duran: yeah. Yeah it did. But he had quit driving three weeks before that, so he knew something was right.

[00:12:35] Rayna Neises: Yeah.

[00:12:36] Pamela Duran: But so that was a difficult, the, the hospice people that came, we did call them, and I just remember that week I stayed over there and they're like, every two hours, you know, just give him, they had the little medicine and he was just like a little child.

[00:12:53] You know, like he was waiting on it and his breathing, I guess, because the cancer had gotten into his lungs.

[00:13:00] Rayna Neises: Hmm.

[00:13:00] Pamela Duran: It was so horrible. It was just so horrible. And I slept on the couch and mom would sleep, with him. And so that was that was real difficult.

[00:13:11] Rayna Neises: Yeah. It is, and I think it's always helpful that to have hospice apart and that they can explain a lot and they can support, but it's, there's nothing easy about it. So yeah.

[00:13:23] Pamela Duran: No, I agree. And they, everyone that came was so super nice and so supportive for my mom, even after. And my dad passed away. Of course, my mother didn't think she needed any help so they have been married like, I think it was 56 50, I think 56 years.

[00:13:43] Rayna Neises: Wow.

[00:13:44] Pamela Duran: So a long time.

[00:13:45] Rayna Neises: Yeah. So then to go on is almost like you're missing, I mean, half of yourself. It just is so difficult to make that transition. And she is pretty healthy physically, or how is she doing?

[00:14:00] Pamela Duran: Yeah, she's doing good. So we got all the stuff cleared out. We sold our house, moved back closer to my kids and grandkids, and she had moved in with my brother. So she's living with him now. She's had some medical problems at my . Nephew's graduation, she passed out. So we

[00:14:17] Rayna Neises: Oh

[00:14:17] Pamela Duran: to the hospital. So I don't know if she got overheated or if she just walked too much. And so they were just concerned with her, but pretty much, I mean, she can walk, she goes with her sisters, they go on trips, they love to go to the mountains, go a Cherokee or go to Pigeon Forge sevierville around that area.

[00:14:38] So she's doing

[00:14:40] Rayna Neises: great. So you're kind of in a different season that you're kind of waiting and supporting, but at the same time, you're not needed as much right now, but you know that, you will be as she continues to age. So. Caregiving can look so different, and I love that. You know, in each of those different seasons, your roles were different and appreciated differently, right? and that can be difficult, but it's that navigation of those relationships. So that's good. Do you have a favorite you would like to share about one of them?

[00:15:12] Pamela Duran: Favorite story. So of the caregiving or just being around family at all? So I think with. My aunt, I'll just talk about her. I was actually coming out of a disruption of my own when Covid hit and I had been to Florida to just, 'cause, you know, you need somewhere new when things are not going right, you gotta get realigned, you gotta have some time for reflection.

[00:15:35] And I had a good friend down there. And she bless her heart. She was so wonderful to me at that time. And while I was down there, they called and that is when my aunt had the stroke, her first stroke. So that's when her journey started. But I, I stayed with them for a little while to help out. And then when we finally got, healthcare people coming. And the hospice people. And the chaplain. And I just remember my uncle sitting at the table said, what's going on here? Who are all these people?

[00:16:04] Rayna Neises: Mm-Hmm.

[00:16:06] Pamela Duran: So talking to anybody out there, just keep everybody in the loop. What's going on? I, to me, I was asked to do something. Come in, make things happen, make decisions, which is what I did, but. At the same time having that communication. Okay, this, you know, just explaining because they're older, you know, even though they see stuff going on and happening and that's what they wanted. You still just need to keep them in the loop and just say, okay, this is what's going on. We got her on this.

[00:16:35] These people are gonna be coming twice a week. These people can come when you call. So like for hospice, you call them and not nine one one, they come out right away. So that was a little different, which I did talk to them, but they had the chaplain come, to meet and pray with them. She's still hanging on today. Bless her little heart. I pray for her. She is in the rehab, nursing home, but she wants to go home.

[00:17:03] Rayna Neises: Mm-Hmm.

[00:17:04] Pamela Duran: And when she says that, I don't know if she's really talking about home, home or home heaven, you know?

[00:17:08] Rayna Neises: Yeah, that is hard to tell. It really is. But there's something about home, there's something about the security that home has always been, and definitely when the spouse is there too, I think it can feel they, they rely on each other so much that it definitely can be difficult. So what would be one thing that surprised you about caregiving?

[00:17:32] Pamela Duran: Oh, surprised me. I think it is just an emotional rollercoaster,

[00:17:38] Rayna Neises: I.

[00:17:39] Pamela Duran: and as you say, there's so many different roles that you're in. When I met my husband, they were caregiving for his parents and they were at home. . and his sisters would go take turns, and then he would go on the weekend and then I would start going with him

[00:17:57] Rayna Neises: Mm-Hmm.

[00:17:58] Pamela Duran: and they were just so sweet. Just the sweetest things. And his dad would always say, there's my girl, you know, and I would come see 'em. Yeah, it was sweet. But his mom would take all of his dad's medicine for pain because

[00:18:13] Rayna Neises: no.

[00:18:14] Pamela Duran: I, I guess, was in so much pain and he just let her have it. He was a minister, they ministered together in the Baptist church. And so I think it's just the emotional rollercoaster and the difference that every situation is different even with them. And then when they went into assisted living they were there together and we would go see 'em. I think people should just be prepared for like every step.

[00:18:43] Like you've got 'em at home. Okay, you can keep 'em at home for how long? And then, okay, now we're going to assisted living. What are we gonna expect there? Because, you know, everything's on the clock there. You have people come in with your medicine and you can't just take whatever you want whenever you want.

[00:18:59] And it's just different feelings and emotions at different stages. And then just to be prepared for. Maybe prepare yourself for what you don't know, because you don't know , you don't know what to expect.

[00:19:12] Rayna Neises: Mm-Hmm.

[00:19:13] Pamela Duran: His mom was getting a little dementia, but she knew everybody, right up until the end. And she was always so happy. Even when she was sick, she was just always had a beautiful smile. So I think just to the be prepared, prepare yourself for the emotional rollercoaster and. Just show love and kindness.

[00:19:38] I mean, that is all you can really do.

[00:19:40] Rayna Neises: Yes, and it is different for every person, how they respond to it, whether or not they are grumpy about it. You know, I think we're all. Aging doesn't magically change us. It doesn't magically change our relationships. It doesn't magically change our spirit. I always say I feel like age amplifies who you are.

[00:19:59] So those people that were the sweet little ladies, as they age, typically they become sweeter , you know, and those that were grumpy and not easy to get along with. To have a tendency to get a little more grumpy. I think. So obviously dementia comes into the picture and that can change things too, but they are who they are and we're not changing them.

[00:20:19] Pamela Duran: Right.

[00:20:20] Rayna Neises: We have to learn how to, to adapt to what they want, to be able to support 'em and what support looks like for each one. So that's, that's good. I think it, it is tricky and it's definitely not the same all the way through

[00:20:32] and the emotions are huge. That's the one thing I think most of us are not prepared for. And I'm just thankful that my faith helped me walk through those emotions that every time I had those emotions I was able to just go to the Lord with them and just kind of process through it and really . Acknowledge it because I know when I was younger with my mom, I stuffed it more because I just didn't really know how to deal with those emotions.

[00:20:56] But with my dad, I dealt with them a lot more, you know, in the moment and which was helpful. But there are a lot of emotions. in all of caregiving, I think. 

[00:21:06] Pamela Duran: Yeah, and I, it's not just our emotions, it's theirs dealing with their emotions. So like now my aunt is just, she just cries

[00:21:15] Rayna Neises: Hmm.

[00:21:15] Pamela Duran: 'cause she, you know, she wants to go home. She can't get outta the bed, she can't walk, and she's just really emaciated. , but her mind is so good. We have a good conversation or we'll watch a good movie. She loves to talk, she loved to write, so I brought her books, you know, tablets and pens to write so she could write and practice her writing.

[00:21:36] Rayna Neises: Yeah.

[00:21:37] Pamela Duran: But the thing, like my uncle now that's married to her, he's the last one. So my, his brother just passed away a couple months ago, and so out of seven, he's the last one.

[00:21:50] And just think about . You know what they're going through at that time, their spouse of probably, they've been married over 60 years, is, has not been with him for two years, and they were together for all the time.

[00:22:03] Rayna Neises: Ever. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:22:05] Pamela Duran: So they're going through a myriad of emotions as well. So you're navigating that. You're navigating how to help 'em and support 'em, and I love that word support that, I'm gonna keep that word on my board , because I feel like that we as a maybe the caregiver or the child or the family member. Think of it differently, like we have to do something, like we need to do something,

[00:22:30] Rayna Neises: We wanna fix.

[00:22:31] Pamela Duran: really supportive. Being supportive is doing something. It's not that we need to make a decision, we just support them in their decisions. I love

[00:22:39] Rayna Neises: Yes. Yes. I think so many times because we feel like we see it more clearly, we just think we can fix it. So I'm just gonna take care of it. I'm gonna fix it. I'm gonna make it all better, and we really just need to come in and support them and their decisions and provide the amount of support that they need and that they're willing to accept, which is sometimes hard to do.

[00:22:59] Pamela Duran: That is what they want. Yes.

[00:23:01] Rayna Neises: So where would you say that you found God at different times in your caregiving season? Is there one time you saw him really show up for you?

[00:23:10] Pamela Duran: Hmm. Well, for me, he was with me the whole time.

[00:23:16] Rayna Neises: Yeah.

[00:23:18] Pamela Duran: Especially well a couple of times, especially with my dad knowing that his time was coming, he just didn't know when. So having that comfort, he was a Christian. I know he is going to heaven. I'll see him again. Also during the time with my aunt and uncle and the rejection of everything that I did, and, just praying to the Lord not let bitterness or resentment, resentment come in because I did do what they ask.

[00:23:46] At the time

[00:23:46] Rayna Neises: Mm-Hmm.

[00:23:47] Pamela Duran: I did do that. So, I think he's there for us in all the, in all those phases, whether it's just comfort, the Holy Spirit come to comfort us, to know that we're gonna see our loved ones again, or when things go wrong. In the direction you didn't intend for it to go, but there's nothing you could do about it. Just giving you that reassurance and support that you know when you can do all you can do, you can just lean on the Lord.

[00:24:12] Rayna Neises: Yeah, definitely. And I'm so thankful that I have him to do that. Some people, you know, haven't developed that relationship and so I think it's always important for us to encourage others to, to find him in the middle of it, because sometimes we get so deep into it, we aren't seeing him even though he is there and just calling out and asking for what we need can really change how our caregiving looks. I think. 

[00:24:36] Pamela Duran: Or even speaking the word out loud, I mean, that is gonna cause walls to crash, miracles to break out, even if it's just within your own self.

[00:24:46] Rayna Neises: mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm.

[00:24:47] Pamela Duran: over the situation really makes a difference.

[00:24:50] Rayna Neises: Yeah. That's great. So as we're wrapping up, do you have one little nugget of wisdom that you would like to pass along?

[00:24:58] Pamela Duran: A nugget.

[00:25:00] Hmm. Just love if it's your family. Whoever it is that you are caregiving for in this season, love them. Spend the time with them and as Rayna said, I love that support. Be there to support them. Not necessarily take over and make all the decisions, but just support them in their decision making journey and be. Be Jesus. Be the hands and feet of Jesus while you are with them and let them feel that love and comfort. And it's not always gonna be comfortable. It doesn't feel comfortable a lot of times, but you can be that comfort for them and show them, shine some light on them and lift them up in a small way just with a hug or music. Play music that's always very comforting to them. Just show love.

[00:25:48] Rayna Neises: That's great. Thank you so much, Pamela, for being here today. So as we're wrapping up here, how can people contact you? And learn more about what you do.

[00:25:59] Pamela Duran: Sure Rayna, they can contact me on my website at www.liftupevents.com. My podcast is there, my books, I have written some books as well as how to set up a virtual coffee with me or my Free Vision board course is there as well. And a Free Faith download, how to Activate Your Faith so they can connect with me there.

[00:26:21] Rayna Neises: Oh, great. Yes. Lots of great resources. Thanks so much for sharing with us today, Pamela.

[00:26:26] Pamela Duran: Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it.

[00:26:30] Rayna Neises: And thank you for joining us today on A Season of Caring podcast, where we share stories of hope from Pamela. This episode has been brought to you by No Regrets, Hope for Your Caregiving Season. My story of caring for my parents during their journey with Alzheimer's. It's filled with heartwarming stories, practical tips and tools to use for you to be able to bury them with no regret. No Regrets: Hope for Your Caregiving Season is available anywhere that you buy books, and I have a special signed edition available at my website@noregretsbook.com. It's a great gift or for you or for anyone else. A Season of Caring Podcast has been created to share stories of hope for living content, loving well and caring without regrets. If you have financial, legal, or medical questions, be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.