A Season of Caring Podcast

Finding Sacred Moments in Caregiving: Stories of Hope with Robyn Horn

• Rayna Neises • Episode 194

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Can caregiving transform your spiritual life? This heartfelt episode of A Season of Caring Podcast Rayna Nieses introduces Robyn Horn, a devoted caregiver who has walked the path of caring for her grandfather, father, mother, and in-laws. With a strong foundation in geriatric care and deep Christian faith, Robyn opens up about the sacredness and ministry of caregiving. She shares how being there for her loved ones in their final moments has led to profound emotional and spiritual growth. Discover the inspiration behind her book, "Transforming the Mundane into Sacred: Spirituality and Caregiving for the Elderly," which serves as a reminder to caregivers about the holy calling of their responsibilities, supported by scriptural insights.

The conversation takes a turn towards the significant challenges caregivers face, such as maintaining self-care and accepting evolving roles. The importance of finding self-care practices that genuinely nourish the soul, sharing personal stories and practical advice is a highlight of this episode. An identity crisis can often accompany the caregiving role, emphasizing the need to balance responsibilities with personal fulfillment. Tune in to find inspiration, connect with the shared experiences of caregiving, and learn how to approach your duties with intentionality and grace. Leave a review and share your own stories to help shape future episodes and continue this meaningful conversation.

[00:00:00] Rayna Neises: Welcome. This is Rayna Neises, your host of a Season of Caring Podcast, where we share stories of hope for family caregivers, breaking through the loneliness and busyness of life to see God, even in the middle of the season. Today, I'm excited to introduce you to Robyn Horn. Robyn has a master's degree in gerontology, as well as an undergraduate degree in psychology.

[00:00:22] Robyn has spent most of her adult life advocating for and assisting the elderly and their family caregivers. She served as a licensed nursing home administrator for 13 years, which included two years at an Alzheimer's assisted living facility. In 2007, she was inspired by God to develop a business dedicated to educating health care professionals in geriatric care, HIS Cornerstone. 

[00:00:48] / As a caregiver herself of multiple elderly family members, Robyn has drawn on her Christian faith to help her and others through this sacred journey. She recently published a book, Transforming the Mundane into Sacred: Spirituality and Caregiving for the Elderly. Welcome, Robyn I'm so glad to have you here today.

[00:01:06] Robyn Horn: It's so good to be here.

[00:01:09] Rayna Neises: I love the title of your book because I do think so many times if we don't pay close attention to the spirituality of our caregiving, we miss the sacred moments. And so I love that just reminding us that it is sacred.

[00:01:22] Robyn Horn: Thank you. That was definitely God inspired. And I do a lot of references to scriptures that talk about how God values the elderly. And so I just kind of took it a step further through the Holy nudge through the leading of God to remind caregivers that it is a ministry, it's a calling. and we should not take it lightly. That's for sure. 

[00:01:44] Rayna Neises: I think we can lose that a little bit because the to do lists are so long and the needs can be so much bigger than we are, especially when we're sandwiched or any of those kinds of things are going on.

[00:01:54] Robyn Horn: Absolutely.

[00:01:57] Rayna Neises: well, introduce us to those that you've cared for and what those seasons look like for you.

[00:02:01] Robyn Horn: Sure. well, I started as I talk about in my book with my grandfather. And so I'm going way back in the in the nineties. he was actually in the nursing home where I was. He agreed to come live in the nursing home on our certified skilled unit. he had cancer and heart disease. And so, we knew he didn't have the time.

[00:02:23] Long to live and so he agreed to move from Oklahoma to Texas to be in the nursing home where I was and that was such a Beautiful experience to be with him for those three months. It was a very short time but I was actually with him when he passed away. I was holding his hand and that is something he was my best friend a lot of people can't say that about their grandparents, but he truly was my best friend And so I as we talk about grief, I certainly think about him often It's been a long time but I wouldn't trade those three months for anything just to know that I was with him.

[00:02:58] fast forward, I took care of my own dad, his son, for ironically three months as well. Back in 2015, my dad was a walking chronic illness. He had every chronic illness on demand and, got the better of him. And so he was in the hospital in and out rehab for about three months and was, able to care for him along with other family members who were at his side a lot, making sure.

[00:03:27] and I think the thing that I learned the most from that experience was advocacy, that as caregivers. we have to be the advocate and I was just talking to a friend of mine yesterday who was caring for her older husband and she said the same thing. He was in the hospital and she said, I don't know what people do when they don't have an advocate, when they don't have a family member that can make sure that they get what they need when they need it. So, that was a beautiful experience that we had with my family. talk about a lot about that and her whole chapter dedicated, in my book to, to my father again, was with him when he passed away as well. And so that was a, an experience I'll never forget. And, and then fast forward into there. my mom, of course, I take care of her now she lives in a retirement community and she just needs a little help with things, medications and things like that.

[00:04:23] In 2018, she fell and broke her neck. And so, certainly that was an experience. So I cared for her, you know, for about a good, about a year of that recovery in an assisted living facility, selling her house, all those things that you do. Kind of life just stopped as it does for many caregivers.

[00:04:43] and then more recently I've helped care for my in laws. My father in law and my mother in law who had Alzheimer's. they passed away within three months of each other, which has been challenging to say the least in that grief process. So, that in a nutshell is my, family experience in caregiving.

[00:05:02] And then of course, my professional experience in caregiver support groups and, doing things like that. So, yeah.

[00:05:12] Rayna Neises: Those of us with caring hearts, we have a tendency to have multiple seasons, right? But it definitely is something I think in knowing the calling and knowing how important it is. I think it is. I just can't imagine, like you said, being somebody that doesn't have someone to care for them or to advocate for them.

[00:05:32] It has to be so difficult because there's so many things going on. And when you don't feel well, I don't think well, so even No matter our age, it's hard to take it all in and be able to advocate for yourself when you're sick. 

[00:05:45] Robyn Horn: Exactly. For sure. And I make that translation in my book, obviously, and calling it a ministry that, you know, as much as we're an advocate, we have an advocate as well in the Holy Spirit that fills us, every day. And I, dedicate several chapters on the fruit of the spirit.

[00:06:01] And so I feel like as caregivers, we have that opportunity. to call on when we have the fruit of the spirit. Of course, we have to open that. We have to, look at, faith and joy and love and hope and all of those things. hope actually isn't one of those, but I'll add that in there. and to look at that gentleness and self control, just really important to, have that spiritual side of caregiving.

[00:06:24] I don't know how caregivers get through a day without faith. Without that experience, without that prayer, all of those things to look for God in, in everything that you do during that caregiving experience. Cause it's not easy. It is not easy. 

[00:06:43] Rayna Neises: Yeah. it's a way of life, you can either make the best of it or you can allow it to really beat you up. And I think if you're forgetting your faith, if you're not feeding your faith and really spending time with the Lord, then that's when you get beat up in it. When we're walking it with God, it's still hard, but we can carry it because that burden is not too heavy with him.

[00:07:05] Robyn Horn: I always say, you know, the old footprints in the sand, that's an old, reference, but, you know, it's like, that's when he carries us and I can tell you in many, many occasions, I look back and think, wow, I was not alone in that one. I don't know how I got through that particular, period other than my faith and God.

[00:07:29] Rayna Neises: So do you have a favorite caregiving story you want to share?

[00:07:31] Robyn Horn: Oh, I have quite a few. 

[00:07:34] Rayna Neises: I know it's always hard to pick one, isn't it?

[00:07:36] Robyn Horn: I have one, involves my father. my father was the patriarch of our family. He was actually a minister late in life. just a devout Christian. And just so full of, dignity. and there was a time where they had given him, again, trying to advocate, trying to figure out what happened, but they had given him some medicine that was making him.

[00:07:57] Hallucinate and be delusional. And, that was not my dad. He was clear minded until the day he died, except for the sense of it. And, I knew that. And they walked in one day as I was about to leave and they were going to put restraints on his wrist because he was trying to, because he was hallucinating and delusional, he's trying to pull everything out I just looked at those nurses and I said, not today, not today. And so, so I ended up spending the night with them, did not let them put those restraints again, advocacy, knowing when he came out of this, knowing if he had been restrained would have been devastating to him, he would have been so embarrassed.

[00:08:38] And so I stayed with them , we stayed up all night through all of his hallucinations. And, I think my favorite story is he, he looked at me, he called me Brew. It's just a childhood nickname, which I loved. And he, I'm sitting in a chair next to him and he says, Brew, we need to go shopping, we need to go grocery shopping and get, get our stuff before we take your mom to the doctor.

[00:08:59] I'm like, okay. So I, in my Alzheimer's training, of course I play along. I'm like, sure, dad, where are we going? And so I believe we went to Walmart. So we're in his mind, we're going to Walmart and we're standing in the checkout line. And he says, um, Oh, we forgot the Cheetos. He loved Cheetos.and I said, Oh no, it's okay, dad. I'll run get them. And so then of course I kind of moved away from the bed and acted and came back and I said, okay, we're all set. We just need to check out. And then literally he patted his legs and he said, Oh, Brew, I forgot my wallet. You're going to have to cover this one. I'm so embarrassed. I said, it's okay, dad. I got it. So we quote checked out, but that whole experience was just, it was just, I smiled, we laughed that night, we had bought him a superman cape because, That's who he was to our family. He was our Superman and it was draped over the television set in his room.

[00:09:52] And so in his hallucinating, he, thought that his dog Susie and his other dog, Nikki were flying through the air with that Superman cape on. And, I just looked up and, accommodated that hallucination. But the fun thing was the next day when he was lucid and everything was.

[00:10:11] Fine. He remembered a little bit of it and we had such a memory way. that's probably one of my favorite memories of being with him. It's just he and I, and again, it goes back to, I hadn't been his advocate. That whole situation would have gone completely south. so anyway, that's, I love to share that story.

[00:10:31] Rayna Neises: Well, even God's timing in that they didn't come in five minutes after you left and have you come back the next day and see it like that. 

[00:10:39] Robyn Horn: I love that you say that there are no accidents when you are deep in prayer and in your faith, which I tried to do every morning again. And I would tell caregivers this. I was actually walking. I said, You know, in caregiving, there's not a whole lot of room for lukewarm Christians.

[00:10:56] I just thought, you know, your faith is strong when you're in that caregiving role and so taking that time for yourself in prayer, however that is listening to music, whatever it is, looking for God in the little experiences as well as the big ones, that's how you get through and enjoy. I will have to say in all my caregiving experiences, there was joy. There was that fruit of the spirit. because I knew it was a calling and I knew that we, I was doing what I was called to do. yeah. 

[00:11:31] Rayna Neises: I knew that we, I was doing it today, so.

[00:11:42] Robyn Horn: Right.

[00:11:42] Rayna Neises: You, you had been trained. I learned, I learned to just join him where he was and make the best of that moment and where he was. It's a hard thing to learn though. As I talk with caregivers, that's one of the things that they just really struggle with is, but that's not true. And it's like, but it is true in their world. And this is not something they're choosing. They can't choose to look at it differently. So, Joining them there is the times that there is so much more laughter and so much more joy instead of the fight that would come if you were trying to correct it or change

[00:12:15] Robyn Horn: we call that, as you know, in the industry, therapeutic fibbing. and it's actually a therapy. We need to make sure, especially with Alzheimer's and any form of dementia, that you meet them where they are and their reality And it can be fun sometimes too with my mother in law. I haven't spoken about her, but, , she escaped from her facility. and so we realized it was not an Alzheimer's facility. We realized that we needed a more secure unit. but we brought her to our home for a weekend before I actually took her to her facility on a Monday morning. and all my training, you know, it's different when you're caring for a loved one.

[00:12:55] But we have a lot of joyful moments that weekend and again, times that I will never forget in that we didn't fight her. She had an experience where she, was trying to escape our home. And instead of, you know, just, no, you can't leave. I put her in the car and we drove around and we reminisced and we laughed. And so she escaped, but I was with her and Safe. And by the end of that trip we walked into CVS and we bought some, presents for the kids, which again, were in their fifties, but we bought some presents. She said, oh, Jeffrey would love that. And Oh, Chris would love that. And I'm just laughing in my mind. Again, I took her that Monday having had a pretty nice experience, because we didn't fight it. it. So

[00:13:44] Rayna Neises: It's not an easy lesson, but it can make all the difference for

[00:13:46] sure.Thank you so much for joining us today on A Season of Caring Podcast. I apologize for the sound quality from Robin. She is in Houston. It was right after hurricane came through and we just didn't have the best connection. But she had so many great things to say. I know that you are enjoying it. And I hope that you can just bear with us on the sound to hear so many great nuggets of wisdom. This episode has been brought to you by the podcast. I would love it. If you would take time to leave a review, wherever you're listening, it would mean the world to me, to be able to hear from you. One of the things about podcast is I'm talking to the person I'm interviewing, but I don't get to hear from you. So I would love to hear what the podcast means to you and what things you might like to hear more about on the podcast. 

[00:14:37] So hang in there, join us for the rest of Robin's conversation. I know you're going to be blessed.

[00:14:43] What would you say would be one thing that surprised you most about caregiving?

[00:14:48] Robyn Horn: I think that along the way I learned it, but, you know, when we hear that, take care of yourself or you can't take care of others. I think the thing that surprised me the most was how hard that is to do and you have to give yourself permission. I go on a silent retreat, most years which sounds crazy to go away and not talk for three days, but I love it.

[00:15:11] that's when I truly listen. throughout my caregiving experiences, I learned to allow myself to actually go do that silent retreat in the midst of the caregiving because it renewed, refreshed me. I think that's one of the things that I've learned along the way is, take care of yourself. You have to, we've seen in the profession, where sometimes the caregiver will get sicker than the care recipient, or sometimes even pass before the one that they were caring for because they haven't been able to take care of themselves. So caregiver stress is real.

[00:15:48] And I think the other thing that I really learned, I've taught about it for years and with my company and, and providing that education for professional caregivers, but that term identity crisis, you know, you're the daughter and all of a sudden you're taking care of your mom and your whole role reverses.

[00:16:05] and of course I've taught about it for years, but when you're living it, it's completely Different. And, the, what I talk about in my book is you have to accept it. Of course we accept our identity in Christ. That's the one thing that I really focus on. But when you're talking about your identity, that part of that, I call it identity reforming in my book rather than crisis, because I like the positive. But you do have to reform your role. When I do caregiver s and things I'll have, I d do a circle with eight peices. how much of your time you spend as a caregiver and I'll have them hold them up and show me, and some of them are outside the 

[00:16:48] lines even. And I'm like, they must be caring for Alzheimer's the 36 hours.but then I tell them, okay, those of you who have more than one or two little squares or little pieces that are pie colored, you are a caregiver and you need to accept that right now and the looks on their faces is like, okay.

[00:17:09] Oh, yeah, I am.

[00:17:11] Rayna Neises: Yeah. 

[00:17:11] Robyn Horn: That's the first step. So I think that was a lesson I learned along the way is to just accept the fact that right now our roles have changed and I am my mom's daughter, but I'm more of a caregiver than a daughter at this point. And it's hard, it's sad, but it's again, the calling, it's what we're asked to do.

[00:17:29] Rayna Neises: and I love both of those points. But I always say we talk about it all the time because it is that important. And the most important thing to me about self care is finding what really is about caring for yourself, not what everybody else defines it as, but what works for you, because you could do a million things on a checklist that don't really refresh you.

[00:17:54] But like you said, I would not think a silent retreat would refresh me. Now I could be wrong because I haven't tried it, but you learned that this really is what feeds my soul. And I think that's part of what we have to realize with self care is it really is what feeds our soul. What brings the joy back?

[00:18:11] What fills us up? And when it does fill us up, then we have the ability to continue on.

[00:18:18] Robyn Horn: Exactly. I love that. I think that is so true. We hear that Lisa Gibbons, she wrote a whole book on it, you know, take your oxygen first on an airplane, because if you don't, then you're not any good for the person beside you. it's almost become a cliche.

[00:18:33] You know, like you said, take care of yourself, take care of yourself. But I love what you just said is make sure it feeds you and make sure that it's what you need. I like to look at the quality of life of a caregiver, looking at all five aspects, I say, of, you know, physical, emotional, social, a lot of people just quit their social life , personal growth is another aspect. And then of course, to me, the most important is your spiritual side of quality of life 

[00:19:00] Rayna Neises: Yes. Yeah. And challenging. we're not saying it's easy. We're saying you have to find the way that works for you, and you have to be intentional. It's not just going to happen. it's choices 

[00:19:11] Robyn Horn: is 

[00:19:11] Rayna Neises: make.

[00:19:11] Robyn Horn: I love the word intentional. You have to do it 

[00:19:14] Rayna Neises: Yeah. 

[00:19:15] Robyn Horn: single day. 

[00:19:15] Rayna Neises: For sure. The other thing that you mentioned, I always talk about that role as a caregiver and I think of it as adding another hat. Because in all of your life, there are many hats that you wear. For me, I'm a grandma, so I have the Graham\ hat that I wear. I'm a wife. I have a wife hat. And we don't remove the daughter hat. We just add the caregiver hat to it. Because if we're truly, remembering that relationship with our loved one. We're continuing to grow it. And that's what you were talking about in those memories that you have is you were being a daughter in law having fun in the moment.

[00:19:50] And if we only stay as a caregiver, then we rush off to the next person to take care of. Right. But when we're actually being the daughter, then we stay in the moment and we stay there with them. I like that picture as well of just acknowledging it is a really important hat and it is one that you are called to. you have to be faithful to figure out how do you put that hat on with everything else? And it can't be we knock everything else off. But we've got to add it to, and sometimes that means we let go of other things. Maybe we let go of the Sunday school teacher hat, or maybe we let go of the president of the Optimist Club. We let go of that hat for a while so that we can add that caregiver hat on. And then once the caregiver hat's gone, we can bring new hats in.

[00:20:30] Robyn Horn: balance. And again, when you're in the thick of it 24 seven, sometimes you forget to balance the other aspects of your life. And, and it's just a reminder. I would often pray. God, just show me what to do today. Give me the wisdom. but also again, like I said, you can't forget your other roles. you have 

[00:20:51] Rayna Neises: you, you, you

[00:20:51] Robyn Horn: be present for those other people. In your life that feed you 

[00:20:56] Rayna Neises: And you know, 

[00:20:56] Robyn Horn: by them. 

[00:20:58] Rayna Neises: It's so important. share with us, sometime, when you saw God really working, for you on your behalf in the middle of the caregiving.

[00:21:06] Robyn Horn: Oh yes. But just, I think if I could just say general, situation,

[00:21:10] really, it was writing the book. I was at my silent retreat. I was sitting there. I just cared for my dad. And there had been so many. So many times where God had shown up in songs and, just spending time in the chapel, just wherever I was.

[00:21:27] but I had to be cognizant of it. Because sometimes you don't realize it's God until afterwards and you have these aha moments. And so I wanted to be able to share those God moments, those grace filled moments that I call them. With other people. And so I was praying on my silent retreat, I love speaking and presenting and God basically told me in a very still small voice, but it was very clear, write a book, share your experiences with me. In a book so that people can, can see me in this, experience. And so I share in my book many, many times, where God was just right there and present.

[00:22:07] I think one that really comes to mind and many people are familiar with the Cardinal. Some people see the Cardinal as a spiritual sign of somebody that you've lost however you see it, I think God speaks to us all in the ways that we look for him.

[00:22:23] And so, I had an experience where we were cleaning out my mom's house. to sell it after my dad had passed a couple of years later when she broke her neck. And, we were cleaning out, my husband had been blowing the blower all around. to get the garage cleaned out. We had a huge garage sale and, in the meantime, a tree had fallen on a fence as well. So we were taking care of that and he called me and he said, Robyn come look and see what's sitting on this tree that had fallen and damaged the fence. And it was a cardinal. And you know, I'm not lost on that, that we were at his house selling his house. I was taking care of my mom and I think God just spoke to me in a way like, you know what, it's good, it's all good. I'm not saying that he was there. I'm just saying, God gave me a. Something to look for. and then on top of that, I went back into the garage and again, we've had a big garage sale and face down was one card, one playing card. 

[00:23:21] I picked it up and I kid you not. The card 

[00:23:24] itself was a cardinal and I was like, okay, God, I gotcha.

[00:23:29] Rayna Neises: I mean,in a row and you know I thought that was the only thing left in the garage with this playing card that was laying on the floor. So again Maybe God doesn't speak to people in in cardinals But he knows that's where I look for him in, in that. And so it was such a beautiful moment. I cried, I cried a lot that day, just because it was, I just felt his presence as we were selling their, their home. Yeah.My calling in this podcast is just to help remind us to see them because they're always there. We just don't always see. So I'd love to hear people's stories of what's brought their attention to it because that's necessary. So what would be one thing that helps you to live content, love well and care without regrets?

[00:24:15] Robyn Horn: , I choose joy. and of course that is a fruit of the spirit. So I don't do that on my own. but I choose joy and I try to live my life regardless of the circumstances to look for God. And in those caregiving moments, or just in life in general, I think caregiving is a lot of your attitude on things, and so having that positive attitude, choosing joy, it makes the hardships not so hard, Just to, be able to choose joy. And, I fail often, at least every day I get up and I choose joy. I remind myself throughout the day. Remember, you chose joy. 

[00:25:01] So

[00:25:03] Rayna Neises: That's good. Well, tell us how the audience can get your book or stay in touch with you.

[00:25:07] Oh, great. Well, I'm in the process and not sure where this is going to go in, in developing a website, for caregivers. Again, I'm waiting on God's lead for that. I do have, an email address. It's transformingeldercareatgmail. com. my book is on Amazon again. It's Transforming the Mundane into Sacred: Spirituality and Caregiving for the Elderly. And I will definitely include a link on the show notes page if you didn't get that down while you're listening to us. So definitely pick that up and learn more from Robyn's wisdom and her journey to just encourage you in your spiritual walk. So thanks so much for being here today, Robyn

[00:25:47] Robyn Horn: Thank you. Thank you very much.

[00:25:51] Rayna Neises: Listeners, thank you for joining us for Stories of Hope with Robyn A Season of Caring Podcast has been created for the encouragement of family caregivers to share stories of hope for living content, loving well, and caring without regrets. If you have financial, legal, or medical questions, be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.

[00:26:14] Thank you so much for joining us today on a season of caring podcast. I apologize for the sound quality from Robin. She is in Houston. It was right after the, um, hurricane came through and we just didn't have the best connection. But she had so many great things to say. I know that you are enjoying it. 

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Rayna Neises

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