Caring for Mom and Finding God's GLOW: Stories of Hope with Judy Bone

What happens when faith, flexibility, and family intertwine in the challenging role of caregiving? Judy Bone, an inspiring author, speaker, and Christian image consultant, joins us to share her powerful journey of moving closer to her 95-year-old mother and mother-in-law to provide the care they needed. Judy recounts her experiences of relocating, transitioning her mother to an assisted living facility, and balancing the often complex dynamics of caregiving with the importance of maintaining strong family relationships. Through her story, she shares the necessity of flexibility, forgiveness, and cooperation in ensuring the well-being of our aging loved ones, and how her faith provided a steady anchor during tumultuous times.

Discover the profound impact of bringing joy and laughter to elderly parents, the unpredictability of caregiving as illustrated by Judy's mother's accident, and the essential role of resilience. Judy shares a poignant reflection on her own journey of faith, including a life-altering surgery that reshaped her future. She also introduces her book "In His Glow," offering listeners wisdom and encouragement. This episode is a heartfelt exploration of the blessings hidden within caregiving challenges and a reminder to seek professional guidance for any legal, financial, or medical concerns. Whether you're a caregiver or simply looking for inspiration, Judy's story is bound to touch your heart and uplift your spirit.

Chapters

• 0:02 Caregiving Dynamics and Finding Balance
• 3:21 Challenges and Adjustments in Caregiving
• 4:37 Balancing Caregiving Responsibilities
• 13:41 God's Presence in Caregiving Journeys
• 19:18 Unexpected Events and God's Presence
• 25:09 Embracing Blessings

Transcript

 [00:00:00] Rayna Neises: Welcome. This is Rayna Neises, your host of A Season of Caring Podcast, where we share stories of hope for family caregivers, breaking through the busyness and loneliness of life to see God even in the middle of our caring seasons. Today, I'm excited to introduce you to our guest, Judy Bone. Judy Bone is an author, speaker, Christian Image Consultant and wife of a pastor. She loves sharing her cancer journey and showing off God's mercy and grace. As a esophageal cancer survivor of five years, she wrote In His GLOW, available on Amazon. Judy is always thrilled to do whatever to realize the GLOW of Christ in the inside beauty He gives as a reflection on the outside, sharing in her own fun style and Southern way. She has a passion to share God's GLOW. Thank you so much, Judy, for being here today. I'm excited to visit with you. 

[00:00:55] Judy Bone: Thank you so much for having me. I've just looked so forward to this and sharing a little bit about the journey of some of the caring of my mom and my mother in law. So it's been a up and down fun ish journey. 

[00:01:13] Rayna Neises: Fun ish. I love that. That's a good way to describe it. So introduce us to these moms and tell us a little bit about what that looks like in caregiving. 

[00:01:22] Judy Bone: Okay we relocated. I'd been away for 20 years in Florida. And so when I came through cancer, my husband retired, we relocated to where both of our moms are still living. We're about 30 minutes away from them. And for that purpose, to help with some of their caregiving. Well, both of our moms are 95. 

[00:01:49] And both moms were living in a not assisted living at the time when we moved here, but in an adult living that was Provided by Bellevue Baptist Church, and they just pay their rent. Well, my mother in law is still there She is still able to care for her needs and all we do have her on Meals on wheels and so that is helping. 

[00:02:17] She can do some things, but she does use a walker And, but as far as her mind goes and all of that, she's really pretty sharp and it's doing really well. My mom, on the other hand she was in the same facility at first, but about a year and a half ago, we relocated her to an assisted living. She'd gotten to the place where she couldn't remember her meds. And it's just my sister and I with the caregiving. My sister at that time was living like 10 minutes away. And then I was, you know, 35, 40 minutes away. So we didn't feel like realistically I could go every day, but I tried to average twice a week. 

[00:03:05] And then my sister got into the I think mistakenly going every single day, checking on my mom. So my mom got used to that a lot. And so she liked it a lot too. So anyway, but over this last year and a half since my mom has been in assisted living, it has helped in some ways and changed what we do in some ways. 

[00:03:34] As you know, I'm sure you understand. 

[00:03:37] Rayna Neises: Yeah, for sure. It's funny how, when you said that, I think so many times, I call it kind of caregiver creep, you just like creep into it and you don't even realize it. And for your sister to be like, Oh, I'll just stop by. Oh, I'll just stop by. Stop by and then it is harder to stop something than it is to start it. 

[00:03:55] So opposite with things like dieting, right? 

[00:03:59] Judy Bone: That sounds about right. Yeah, I told her at the time, I said, Janice, you probably don't need to go every day. You, you know, just call her. Check on her or something like that. And she said it's just simpler for me to go by. And I thought, okay. So, you know, she's my older sister by a year. So I kind of let her do her thing and she has medical experience and training that I don't have. 

[00:04:26] So I just leave it whatever, you know, okay. So she eventually decided, yeah, I was right in that particular thing. I'm blessed with the relationship. Now it didn't start out like that when we were caring for my mom. You know, we had to come to an agreement. My sister and I, about who did what, what was really fair, and I mean, we both want to do our part, but we want to be fair, and do whatever is most beneficial for mom. And so we give and take and we don't always do it right or perfectly, but we have forgiveness and we give and take. And as long as we are, that's what I told her. I said, look, if you and I can be on the same page with mom, then, you know, if you and I agree. It's okay. It doesn't matter if it's what everybody else does or whatever, but whatever is working for our mom, that's who we're trying to care for. So, that's 

[00:05:39] Rayna Neises: so important. I love that Judy, because number one, I think as family caregivers, there's oftentimes people that are in different places in life and we want everybody to be able to do what we're doing. And that's not necessarily, like you said, you gave your sister the grace to say, If you want to go every day, that's great. I don't think it's necessary and I'm not going to be able to do that. But if that's what you want to do, then go for it, and I think we do have to really protect the relationships 

[00:06:11] Judy Bone: Mm hmm. 

[00:06:12] Rayna Neises: when we're doing this because we are doing it together and we are not the same person. So our expectations are different. Our, sometimes our what we think is right is different. So that's so important to work on that relationship and be willing to find what works for your family. 

[00:06:29] Judy Bone: Exactly. Yeah, we, we went through that. I mean, it was a pretty good come to Jesus kind of meeting that we had at one point. Mm hmm. And so then, you know, a lot of things are aired out. What we have now is a great working relationship. And mom is happy as she can be. And she does have Alzheimer's. But not so far that she's in memory care at this point. She's still in the assisted living. And just because assisted living doesn't mean everything is taken care of 

[00:07:11] Rayna Neises: that's so true. 

[00:07:12] Judy Bone: That was a surprise to me. They they do provide her meals and they do have make sure she gets her medicine regularly. They do check her and they have people that come in several times during the day, which has been very beneficial to her. A few little bumps along the way, because my mom, she's 95, always has been taught, you lock the door, you keep safe, and all this stuff. Well, in the assisted living, they really don't want her to keep her door locked. But she's gonna lock the door. She's gonna do it, she just cannot not lock the door. 

[00:07:55] And at first she would go down, she's on second floor, at first she would go down with some of the girls and eat in the dining place, which, this is a beautiful place. Well, she went a few times, well, she just really decided after maybe six months worth that she'd just rather stay in her apartment. So she will not go down. 

[00:08:22] So, we, my sister, on Mondays takes a few groceries. She takes bread, cereal, some sandwich meat, and has that for mom. And then the facility is gracious enough to, they provide her three meals a day, but they don't take her on a silver platter her meals three times a day. But they've been pretty gracious in taking her food once or twice a day. 

[00:08:56] And so it's been enough and she is still able to make herself a sandwich, eat cereal, that kind of thing. And so that we've learned is one thing that's working. And as far as bath and all that my sister and I have done some of both, but my sister goes usually on Thursdays. Makes my mom get in the shower. I said, make her, which she's not always happy to do that. But my sister has a different personality 

[00:09:31] Rayna Neises: Yes. 

[00:09:32] Judy Bone: mine. And I, you know, it would be crumbling to me to have to make her, but she's usually more willing to do what I ask her for whatever reason, I don't know. But my sister gives her the shower and just dries her hair. And then I go on Friday, and wash her hair or wet it, whatever, roll it, and fix it. So because my sister said, I'd rather give her a shower and do all that, let you do all that hair stuff. So I do her hair, I cut it and then when I go on Tuesdays, I do this. Because I want her to feel pretty and you've been just for a few minutes. 

[00:10:17] It doesn't matter and She said, oh, I don't know. I didn't even look in the mirror or something like that. I see Mom, you're pretty and I'm gonna fix your hair because I love to do that. But I do it Not just because her hair needs fixin and I like it fixed for sure, but I know that touch, that touching her, loving her, doing her hair, to making her look pretty as I know how, and just having that kind of conversation and all of those senses that we can touch just in that process have been great. And so, it's something I can do. It makes her happy. So, that's what I do. So, 

[00:11:10] Rayna Neises: connection you guys form by being able to share those together, it, that's really beautiful. And I know that that makes you feel closer and her feel closer to you, which is so important. 

[00:11:20] Judy Bone: We have the best conversations during the time. However, you know, I will actually say too, you know, our conversations are getting smaller and smaller about the same conversations. And also, I know I've done a little bit of reading on, Alzheimer's, not nearly enough, but you know, I know, not ask, do you remember this or that kind of thing or what what I like to do with her is I'll say, Oh, mom, I remember when we did this and that and I'll say that was such fun or something and then you know I can tell by looking at her if she's connecting or not to that. So sometimes we really hit on all the cylinders and sometimes we just don't. 

[00:12:12] Rayna Neises: Yeah. Yeah. That's great. I love that. So what was one thing that was most surprising to you about caregiving? 

[00:12:21] Judy Bone: Well, I was honestly afraid that I just wouldn't be able to stand doing it. I know that feels, I may, made me feel terrible That I even thought that way because it's a selfless thing to care for somebody like that. And I thought, I just, I don't know. But, a few years ago, there was a lady in our church in Florida. 

[00:12:50] And she and I were big buddies. And she only had three sons that did not live in the area. Well, one did, but he traveled all the time. So I became her person. She got breast cancer. She was 78, had to have a double mastectomy and all of that. But I became her person and we went to the doctors and all that stuff. 

[00:13:12] And so I learned just through her experience. If I could do it for her, I certainly could do it with God's help. Number one, I could do it for her. And so when this has become more and more involved with mom, God has just, he gives you grace 

[00:13:37] Rayna Neises: He 

[00:13:37] Judy Bone: to do whatever that you need to do. And you know what? My sister and my personality are very different. And so I do my thing and she does hers in her way And it's probably a good balance for my mom. I don't know. 

[00:13:55] The way 

[00:13:56] Rayna Neises: I found that with my sister as well. I 

[00:14:00] Judy Bone: yeah, isn't that funny how that is? I don't know but Yeah, 

[00:14:08] Rayna Neises: I always joke and say I don't know how we have the same parents and be, we're so different, but it really came in handy for her to be her and me to be me and to be able to take and meet my dad's needs that way. 

[00:14:19] Judy Bone: well one thing I try to do like just today My husband goes with me to the a lot of the times and I'm so grateful for that because it gives a three person conversation Rather than just two now, he doesn't go every time so that's fine too, but you know, it's really Selfless of him to go with me, but we generally try to go see my mom and then go see his mother After that, so it's the day Tuesdays and Fridays checking on the moms. 

[00:14:53] I try every time to think of something that I know will make her laugh, that's my goal. If I can find something, whether it's about me, something I did, or anything, that comes to my mind to make her laugh, then I, makes me happy. 

[00:15:14] Rayna Neises: Laughter is so powerful. 

[00:15:16] Judy Bone: And it's good for her, but it's good for me. I love to see her laugh and smile, because, she's 95, and she's in actually pretty good health except for her mind. And she, I mean, she's got, I mean, swelling in her legs and things like that, but nothing real, real big, like that we know of, but I try in my mind to say, this could be the last time I see her. God may bring her home. 

[00:15:45] Rayna Neises: You don't know. 

[00:15:46] Judy Bone: We just don't know. And so I try to keep it on that kind of a level of love and loving on her. And so, whatever that means, sometimes that means taking her cookies. 

[00:16:06] Rayna Neises: There you 

[00:16:06] Judy Bone: course, that is her favorite of all things. Sometimes I'll take like two different choices of cookies. And, I mean, within a few days and I'm back there, they're all gone. So, of course, my sister says, well, we just don't need or take her anymore cookies. And I think, well, yeah, she likes them though. 

[00:16:25] Yeah, 

[00:16:26] Rayna Neises: That's right. She's lived 95 years. Let her have some cookies. 

[00:16:29] Judy Bone: cookies. Oh, 

[00:16:31] Rayna Neises: Isn't Judy a hoot. I love her stories and her heart for her moms. How well, she's taking care of them after her own cancer journey and having to be cared for just the compassion that she has. This episode is brought to you by Hope for the Caring Heart Journal. The Hope for the Caring Heart Journal is not just a journal. 

[00:16:51] It's a 90- day journey designed to uplift, inspire and support you the one who has the most compassionate task of caregiving for others. With a unique blend of scripture, prayer reflection and gratitude. This journal offers a structured path to spiritual resilience and emotional wellbeing. Let me share with you the first day. The scripture is Romans 15, 13 ESV may the God of hope, fill you with joy and a peace in believing so that by the power of the Holy Spirit, you may abound in hope. The prayer for the day is your heavenly father. I come before you today with a heart full of dedication and love. Seeking your guidance and strength for all those who carry the mantle of caring for others. 

[00:17:39] I ask that you bless us with your boundless grace. May the God of hope as revealed in Romans 15, 13 fill my heart with all joy and peace in believing. Let the power of the holy spirit work through me so that I may abound in hope, even in the midst of challenges, grant me the wisdom to navigate the complexities of caregiving with compassion and patience. Provide me with a moments of rest and rejuvenation, so that I may continue to serve with a spirit of kindness and love may all that I do and say, reflect your love and bring comfort to those I care for. And moments of doubt or weariness, remind me that I'm not alone strengthened my faith and fill my heart with your eternal hope so that I may see the beauty and purpose in this season of caring. Thank you Lord for your continued guidance. And protection over me in Jesus name. I pray. Amen. There are also three reflection questions. 

[00:18:35] How am I feeling today? What is bringing me peace and how can I experience more of God's presence today? And then opportunity to share three things. I'm thankful for. So I'm just going to tell you, I'm thankful for my little Roxy dog, who's snoring here on the desk. next to me. I am thankful for Judy and her glow that comes from Christ. And I'm thankful for you. The one who takes the time to listen to this podcast, Hope for the Caring Heart Journal is only available at my website. At a season of caring.com. Let's jump back into my conversation with Judy. 

[00:19:11] So Judy share with us what's one story of when you really saw God show up for you and your caregiving? 

[00:19:19] Judy Bone: well, last fall was a big event. I had just been to visit my mom. And I hadn't been gone 30 minutes. Not even. And I went down to a thrift store nearby because usually after I visited my mom, I need some down time in my mind just to chill. So my husband automatically drives me to my favorite thrift store just because it's a relaxing place. Well, I get a phone call before I even get in the store and they were calling that my mom had fallen and had split her head wide open. And so they were having to transport her to the hospital downtown. And I thought, and my sister was an hour away. 

[00:20:09] And so I was like 20 minutes away and I said, I can go, I'll just go see how it is and all. So I went to the hospital and of course in the ER, the halls are lined with people all up and down. And it was getting closer to evening time. And so anyway, it was sad and emotional too. You know, I, I looked, they told me she had come in on the, in the ambulance. 

[00:20:35] If they had just brought her in, I remember walking and looking down that hallway. There she was. She was talking on her cell phone. I didn't know if anybody was on the phone or not. Or if she was just talking, I just didn't know, but come find out, she had called my sister. So anyway, I'll walk up and hang up the phone and, but that was hurtful to see her like that because her mind was in the twirl. She was so confused and she knew where she was, but she didn't know where she was and she was talking to my sister. And then there I was there. Well, we wound up waiting in the hallway of the ER for almost eight hours and the doctor eventually came and they did staples in her head just in the hallway there, but God showed up those eight hours because with my mom, it was the same questions. 

[00:21:41] That she asks me every few minutes. And she's hard of hearing. And I'm talking loud enough so she can hear and everybody else around. And so I knew that God had to be on display for me to be able to be kind and gentle and soft with her and encouraging and trying to lighten the moment all, during this time. 

[00:22:14] So God 100 percent showed up. There's no way you could have gone through that without his intervention during that got to take her on home Slept in the bed with her the rest of the night when we got there just to make sure she was okay And she was fine actually So fine, she didn't remember having fallen at all and wanted to know what was this on her head and And so, you know, that's one of the beautiful, if you can look at it that way, parts of my mom's journey is, yeah, she went through it all, but she has such a short memory. She really didn't remember all the bad parts at all that I do, she didn't remember. God so helped me through that, that that was a big deal. 

[00:23:11] Rayna Neises: Yes. Answering the same question over and over again can be so hard. That's just beautiful that he just gave you what you needed to be able to keep comforting her, keep offering her that support and as much safety as you can provide in the hallway of an ER. That's just so beautiful. And I'm just, I, it's so sad the way it is today. 

[00:23:30] I, it's so difficult on them. They don't understand any of it. It's hard for anybody to be left in the hallway of an ER, but definitely when there's memory and confusion, it just really causes them to feel unsafe, which is part of why they keep asking over and over again. 

[00:23:47] Judy Bone: That's right. 

[00:23:49] Rayna Neises: What would be one thing that you would share that helps you to live content, love well and care without regrets? 

[00:23:55] Judy Bone: I think having walked through a cancer journey, and God walked me through that, and has blessed me so much. When most people with esophageal cancer don't get the blessing that I've received from God, and I just think I look at life different. I look at it as it's a gift. The moments are gifts the time spent together, it's a gift. Yes, I get tired, I get frustrated, and times when she will call the house multiple times. With the same question and all, and then knowing she's already called my sister equally as many times, God is just good like that. And so he helps me to view life differently. Then I probably would have, you know, five years ago. 

[00:24:58] Rayna Neises: So I know you recently released your new book with your story of walking through cancer. Tell our audience where they can find out more about it and get a copy of themselves. 

[00:25:09] Judy Bone: I'm just thrilled that the Lord laid it on my heart to share this because he has been so good to me that even through this terrible, difficult journey mine has been so blessed and God is using it for his glory and that doesn't mean it's not hard or that my life is not very different. 

[00:25:35] than it was. I mean, I've been a bit. Yeah, I did pray to lose weight. Anyway, God took care of that really easy. And so you, I have no esophagus. There is not one there. They reshape your stomach. So you can only have small portions. And so I just think that's God answering my prayer in a very unique kind of way. 

[00:26:01] Rayna Neises: Yeah. Definitely. 

[00:26:03] Judy Bone: know I'm thrilled. It's at Amazon and it's called In His Glow. G L O W. Well, 

[00:26:11] Rayna Neises: That's great. And listeners, if you'd like to stay in touch with Judy, she also has a website at judybone. com. And so thank you so much for sharing a little bit about your mom and just your journey in stepping into that caregiving role. It's been a great to have you 

[00:26:26] Judy Bone: thank you for having me. I appreciate it so much. 

[00:26:31] Rayna Neises: listeners. Thank you for joining us for stories of hope with Judy, 

[00:26:34] A Season of Caring Podcast has been created. for sharing stories of hope, for living content, loving well, and caring without regrets. If you have legal, financial, or medical questions, be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.