A Season of Caring Podcast

Finding Balance and Faith Through Caregiving: Stories of Hope with Ruthie Gray

• Rayna Neises • Episode 197

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What if you were suddenly tasked with balancing the care of your aging parents, your spouse, and your children all at once? Join us as we unravel the compelling story of Ruthie Gray, from hospital visits to homeschooling her daughters, Ruthie’s unwavering faith and resilience transformed her into the primary advocate for her family's medical needs. Her journey is a testament to the power of love, determination, and the human spirit in the face of adversity.

In this episode, Ruthie also delves into the essential support systems that allowed her to find balance amidst her caregiving duties. Learn how services like Meals on Wheels and state-funded assistance helped her reclaim her role as a daughter and not just a caregiver. Ruthie opens up about overcoming depression and discovering her calling even during her caregiving season. She emphasizes the importance of journaling, seeking wise counsel, and connecting with God to find one's next steps. Tune in to hear more about Ruthie’s book, "Empty Nest Awakening: Weaving the Threads of Your Passions into Purpose," and her podcast, "Authentic Online Marketing with Ruthie Gray," for valuable insights on balancing personal dreams with caregiving responsibilities.

[00:00:00] Rayna Neises: Welcome to A Season of Caring Podcast. This is Rayna Neises, your host, and I'm glad to be here and share with you stories of hope for family caregivers to help you find God, even in the busyness of life. Today I'm excited to introduce you to Ruthie Gray. 

[00:00:15] Ruthie is a wife, a GG, an empty nester, and content marketing consultant for Christian creatives. Her hobbies include Florida beach walks. RVing with her hubby and singing 70s tunes in the pool. Ruthie's hosts The Authentic Online Marketing Podcast. So easy your mom or Carol Brady can do it. She's the author of Empty Nesting Awakening Weaving the Threads of Your Passion into Purpose and Contributor for the newly released compilation, This Reimagined Empty Nest.

[00:00:47] Connect with her on Instagram or her website at AuthenticOnlineMarketing. com Hi Ruthie, thanks so much for being here today. Yes. Thanks for having

[00:00:56] Ruthie Gray: Thanks for having me, Rayna. I am excited to talk about the topic because as you and I both know, we've, we've walked that road. quite a few years.

[00:01:08] Rayna Neises: And it's one of those things that not everybody wants to wear the badge of caregiver, do they?

[00:01:14] Ruthie Gray: I didn't sign up for it. I just got thrown into it with a double whammy right away. And I was 44 and I'm still doing it. And that's I'm almost 60. So,

[00:01:30] Rayna Neises: yeah. And it is a component of life that we all have. I think not all of us embrace it in the same way. When I look through my lifetime, it's been majority of my life. I've been in a caregiving role in some way or form.

[00:01:44] So tell us a little bit about your caregiving story.

[00:01:48] Ruthie Gray: well, I received a phone call. One morning, and I was just getting ready to homeschool my daughters their high school year. We just started and it was second semester and my husband was in the hospital already. He'd been ambulated to the hospital via emergency just the night before.

[00:02:12] My dad said, Ruthie, I think your mom's had a stroke. it just hit me right in the gut because I was already in an anxious place.

[00:02:25] Rayna Neises: Yeah.

[00:02:26] Ruthie Gray: And I gave him a few instructions about where to go to take her to the doctor. And luckily I live right beside my parents. And so I called my husband and he said, you're going to have to go take control of that situation. Mom and dad have never been ones who are super aggressive with their health.

[00:02:57] They kept up their doctor appointments and that was about it. They didn't really listen to their bodies. And so. My husband has had multiple illnesses over the years. He's chronically ill and so am I. And so he knows how to be aggressive and, and, and I do too now. So yeah, I just, I had to drop everything.

[00:03:22] He said, don't worry about me. The doctors are taking care of me here. You're going to have to go take care of it. And I had to go and call an ambulance because mom was in denial, like many stroke victims are. And so that, that began the journey. And then just three months later, my dad was hospitalized via emergency.

[00:03:50] And that's it. Tons of issues with many different things were uncovered and he was there for 19 days. After that, my mom started passing out and she broke her clavicle and three months later, And she's still trying to recover from a stroke, mind you. I had her in and out of doctor's offices trying to make sure that she was regulated and three months later, my dad was in a serious car accident that altered his life forever.

[00:04:27] And they were, they started at the ages of 72 and 69. So that's what began the whole thing and I realized early on that, like I would, the first time dad took mom to a follow up appointment after the stroke. He stayed in the waiting room and she went back with the doctor.

[00:04:55] They get back and I call and say, what did the doctor say? Well, he said i'm okay Dad, what did they say? I don't know I sat down and I was like, oh, okay. I see how this goes now I'm an only child So I was immediately thrown into the situation of I had to go to every single doctor appointment and during that first year of all of those medical emergencies and so much going on and all the testing the rehabilitation the doctor's appointments the follow up visits more emergency visits. There were three months where every single day was taken up by some kind of an appointment between the two of them. And I thought I was going to lose my mind.

[00:05:50] Rayna Neises: wow, that is a lot and it's hard because in that situation, you need to be there. Who else could be there for those things? Yes,

[00:06:01] Ruthie Gray: was tough. And

[00:06:03] Rayna Neises: mm hmm, yeah, mm

[00:06:06] Ruthie Gray: got worked up. I was so anxious because I wasn't ready for this. My kids were still at home. I have four kids and at this point they were all still home, even though the older two were in college, they were going to local colleges and I was trying to homeschool my daughters.

[00:06:25] They ended up homeschooling themselves half the time. They actually graduate, they graduated and went on to college and graduated from that. So God is good. But I got so worked up about, I was focused on solving the problem so that this would go away. I didn't realize that this was going to be a 15 year commitment and that I was in it for the long haul.

[00:06:55] I was trying to, make it go away, fix it, make it go away. I would chase doctors down. I became so aggressive. I'm an introvert, but let me tell you something. I became the advocate. Probably anyone would want as an elderly person or a person that needs caregiving. And I remember getting so worked up though, one day in, in the hallway of the hospital, because I wasn't getting answers.

[00:07:24] And I was just so frustrated that I took a few breaths and it was like I had this impression of the Lord. Ruthie, this is the plan now.

[00:07:39] Rayna Neises: mm hmm,

[00:07:41] Ruthie Gray: And once I accepted, This is the path

[00:07:46] Rayna Neises: yeah,

[00:07:47] Ruthie Gray: once I came to that, then I was good to go, not terrific. I had my moment,

[00:07:54] Rayna Neises: right,

[00:07:56] Ruthie Gray: but I just had to be okay with this wasn't my idea and it wasn't what I had cooked up because I've always been the person that's been in control of the situation. I ran my kids lives, not ran their lives, but. I was running a household. My husband,

[00:08:15] Rayna Neises: sure. Sure.

[00:08:15] Ruthie Gray: traveled our whole marriage and I did a lot of things on my own. And so for this next season of all the expectations and emergencies being outside from under my roof. It was a big, big pill to swallow. But once I, once me and God had a come to Jesus meeting, then things went a little bit better.

[00:08:38] My peace came back anyway.

[00:08:41] Rayna Neises: right. And that I think that is so important to say this is this is the plan. It's not an accident. This isn't, just something that dumped on you this is really what I have for your life right now. And I think embracing that for myself with my dad, it was that was very true as well. This became It is my mission, to care for him and make sure he was happy and healthy as long as possible.

[00:09:07] And I know my sister and I had conversations at different times where she would be like, well, I have this on Friday night and be like, I come here because this is what I do, no matter What else I have, this is where I am because this is where I'm supposed to be. And I think that does give you some peace.

[00:09:27] It's not fun. I missed my grandson's first birthday party. That was not at the top of my list. I would have rather have been there with him, but I knew this is my calling for this season. And I think that can bring great peace whenever you embrace that. And, and just realize that. It's like you said, it's not going away and, and we can't control it.

[00:09:47] And I do think that's part of what caregiving does for us, for me as well. It's no one's consulting me. So I have to be willing to, just trust that God, God is in charge and it's okay. So

[00:10:02] Ruthie Gray: Yeah. I remember a time there was one Christmas. My dad would always have these emergencies around the holidays for some reason. I don't know how he timed that, but There was one Christmas, all my kids were home and it was, I don't know, about five or six years ago. And I had to, I had to take him to the emergency room.

[00:10:26] And so I'm there and my husband is staying at home with all the family. And then he, we got some things resolved and my husband said, okay, I'm going to come and let you go home now. He's always been so supportive. He's been such a good son in law and such a good support system for me.

[00:10:49] I don't know how I would have done it without him. But I came home and my grown children were doing karaoke and I stepped in the room and I turned on my funny, Pool voice, the funny singing voice. And my son and I sang islands in the stream and I sang to the top of my lungs. And there, my dad is, and my husband, they're in the emergency room in the hospital and I'm at home.

[00:11:21] This is the juxtaposition that caregivers have. We are needed on all fronts. Maybe not an emergency in every space. But we still need to somehow show up for our kids, our grandkids. It's a stretched, uncomfortable time of life. But if we can capture those joy pockets, like singing karaoke, and then going straight back to the hospital the next day, One thing that I always, that I say during this season and I've said over and over again is I'm so thankful that God never lets everything be terrible at once.

[00:12:10] Rayna Neises: Yes. Yeah, so true. One of the things that I talk about in coaching is both and so learning how to say, I can be both. With dad worried about dad and I can be joyful. I can enjoy this moment. I can have both. I don't know what it is about us, but we, as people want all or nothing, right? We want to be all focused in one place and that makes us miss everything else.

[00:12:41] And I think caregiving is about learning how to have both ands. We're going to have both those joyful moments of laughter and there's going to be sadness and we can hold them at the same time. Because those terminal illnesses or those really scary situations are happening while we have joyful moments with our grandkids. Our kids, those kinds of things and learning to accept that for some reason, it seems to be hard to do, but when we can, there is joy to be seen and we don't have to stay only in the one place.

[00:13:14] Ruthie Gray: Yeah, that's so good. I agree. And it's, it's a lesson I've learned over and over and over these past few years.

[00:13:24] Rayna Neises: Yes, when we find ourselves stuck in that only place. Then we can remind ourselves to look for the joy. It is definitely not a one and done thing. . 

[00:13:33] I hope you're loving my conversation with Ruthie as much as I did. So easy to talk to and so full of wisdom. Today's episode has been brought to you by No Regrets: Hope for Your Caregiving Season. This is my story of caring for my parents during their journeys with Alzheimer's it's filled with heartwarming stories, practical tips and tools that I use to bury them with no regrets. No regrets: Hope for Your Caregiving Season is available everywhere that you can buy books. I do have a special signed edition as well as a gift bundle available at www.noregrets-book.com if you'd like to get a signed copy, It's a great gift or a great way to find some tools that can help you with your self care. So that you can walk your parents all the way home. I Know you'll enjoy it. And I'd love to read your reviews. Stick with me as I continue my conversation with Ruthie.

[00:14:31] what's one thing that surprised you most about caregiving?

[00:14:35] Ruthie Gray: I'd say the thing that surprised me the most was that I really need to ask for help.

[00:14:44] Rayna Neises: Hmm.

[00:14:45] Ruthie Gray: As a person that, like I said before, I like to be in control. I'm a, an only child. I'm a perfectionist. I like things done a certain way. And I realized that I don't have to shoulder the burden alone. I can ask for help and that's okay.

[00:15:13] And actually it's necessary for my caregiving health to self care so that I can be a good Caregiver, and I did not let myself do that for the first several years. I didn't get help. I didn't ask for help until probably the last six years. I think we were in maybe year nine when I finally realized. So the, the medical emergency that time was.

[00:15:52] My husband was being treated for cancer in Florida. Yeah. And we live in Florida, but we live also part time here in West Virginia where my parents are. And my dad called me and he said, I think your mother has fallen and broken her hip. Now at this time, my dad was starting to, he had sundowners, but he had enough presence of mind to be able to call me. So I'm stuck in Florida and I immediately get on a plane the next day. Meanwhile, my grown daughter that's got her own kids and family went to the hospital. And ran the show until I got there. So proud of her and so thankful for her being an advocate for mom. So she broke her hip and I'm thinking this is going to be the end because you know how it is when the elderly.

[00:16:57] They break their hips. A lot of times that's the beginning of the end. Not so for my mom. She is going strong. Let me tell you, she's going to be 87 next month. So she was 81. And so she broke the hip and, and we went through all that, but in the meantime, so she's at the hospital and then she's in the rehabilitation facility and dad is at home

[00:17:24] Rayna Neises: I was gonna say then there's dad.

[00:17:25] Ruthie Gray: losing his teeth.

[00:17:27] So he lost his

[00:17:28] Rayna Neises: no. Oh,

[00:17:29] Ruthie Gray: And so he would take his uppers. He would just keep them out and take them everywhere. He went in the apartment. And like he thought that if you set him on the, wherever he was, that maybe he would, it would just spark his memory where he'd find his lowers. It was comical, but it was sad because the whole house started becoming just a chaotic conglomeration of things everywhere.

[00:17:55] And one day I got home and he had all of these dishes lined up. And there was some on a stool and then there's some on another bench. And it was like no rhyme or reason how he was trying to wash these dishes. And I felt so sorry for him and I felt so sorry for me.

[00:18:17] Rayna Neises: Yeah.

[00:18:18] Ruthie Gray: And I was able to talk to someone who had been managing their money thus far.

[00:18:27] And I said, is there any, any help? Because I have got to, I can't do this. I'm going to go berserk. She directed me and I didn't really know about programs that could help people, you know, like the elderly and like the the state. System and things like that. So we got involved in Meals on Wheels. They qualified for us a state funded help that would bring in people to clean their house. And, and do some things like that. So that got the ball started rolling. And then after that, I was able to start asking for help more and getting things in place so that I could actually travel with my husband, like I'd always wanted to do

[00:19:19] Rayna Neises: Mm-Hmm.

[00:19:20] Ruthie Gray: now that my kids were gone.

[00:19:22] And so it freed me up and it really gave me my sanity back. And the one thing that their advisor said to me was. You need some help so that you can start being the daughter again. And I thought well, is that allowed? but I'm glad that I took the help because it's really needed it so much and Like I said, my mom is she's going strong. Her mind is strong. She loves to get out I told her her body is having a hard time. It's not keeping up with her mind is the

[00:20:03] Rayna Neises: Keepin up. Yeah.

[00:20:05] Ruthie Gray: but I mean, she's gone strong and she might outlive us all. Who knows?

[00:20:12] Rayna Neises: In the beginning, nobody else could have done the things you were doing probably. And I always say, you've got to find the things that someone else can do and let them go. And that's what's so important is once you get them kind of stabilized, not that you're disengaging, but you do get a chance to go and do the things that you want to do when you have those other pieces in place.

[00:20:29] Really important to do not an easy balance and what worked today might not work, six months from now. So it's definitely a matter of finding that, that sweet spot in the moment because we wish it could always be fixed, but it's not always the same. So we like things the same. I don't know why that is because they, they never are.

[00:20:51] Are they

[00:20:52] Ruthie Gray: I never are. And no, I was just going to say, like even you say in your book which is so good, by the way and it's, it's a great resource really is, but no two caregiving situations are the same. And you're just like, you're just navigating from day to day. There's no spreadsheet, there's no map. It's kind of like rearing kids. Only backwards, you know,

[00:21:20] Rayna Neises: Yeah. It really is. Because it's people. We're dealing with people and all of us are so different that we have to find what works for each one. So definitely. Well, thank you for that. I appreciate that. Tell us what was one time where God really showed up for you in your caregiving season?

[00:21:38] Ruthie Gray: I distinctly remember times when God speaks to me like impressions other than, when I'm reading the scriptures or praying. One day we had a particularly difficult Doctor's visit with my mom and it was just she and I and she has a lot of back problems And they were making her lie down on the examination table and sit up and lie down and sit up and she was starting to get aggravated and upset and she got off the table and they had had her her socks off they were checking your veins and things like that and And So I was putting her socks back on her and I was tying her shoes and I was troubled in my spirit and it was like I it was a it was a thought an impression Ruthie I'm right here with you. And this is while I'm tying her shoes This is while I'm serving her and the thought came to me of Jesus washing the disciples feet.

[00:22:55] Rayna Neises: Mm hmm.

[00:22:56] Ruthie Gray: this is what we are to do. I don't know why we get upset or wonder when we're put in a situation where we're serving others, other than we have our own agenda, which is really, that's our agenda and not God's.

[00:23:17] So that is I carried that with me. That was just, it was like a God smile, you know, and it just, I carry that with me all the rest of the day. And I have in my iPhone notes, I have times where I've received those impressions. I've started writing them down and it's really encouraging.

[00:23:41] Rayna Neises: Mm hmm. It's so nice to be able to go back when you're having those times of frustration to be able to just be reminded. We have such short memories when it comes to his faithfulness sometimes. And it is a blessing for us to be able to go back and look and and see what's been recorded. And I love when we think about that's what the Bible is, is just recording God and how he's moved. And we need to continue to do that for ourselves. So we have that resource.

[00:24:07] Ruthie Gray: Yeah, for sure.

[00:24:10] Rayna Neises: So share with us a little bit about your book and where people can kind of stay in contact with you if they're interested in all of those fun things that you have going on outside of your caregiving world. All

[00:24:24] Ruthie Gray: It's called Empty Nest Awakening: Weavingb the Threads of your Passions into Purpose. It's a very. Quick book. It's a quick read. It's 20 chapters. It's also interactive because it's my story, but it's your story. A lot of times we enter empty nest and we don't know what to do next. I was personally depressed and didn't expect that.

[00:24:46] And so it's my story of how I figured out what to do next. And I take the reader through looking back at your, your upbringing, special circumstances, your inherent traits, your learned skills, just to help you take the very next step. What is the very next step that you could take just one step towards what your calling is in empty nest?

[00:25:19] And I do have a chapter in there on caregiving, and it's about, is it selfish to dream? What about caregiving? And I worked through all of that. I had to work through those things and, and say, well, is this just of me, God? Is this my dream? And what I finally came to the conclusion was, and this is a quote from the book, is that when God is calling you to something, he's calling you to someone.

[00:25:57] So if he's planted those desires in you and you're walking with the Lord, then it's not selfish to pursue that. And again, of course, we are balancing the caregiving and all of that, you know, and the grandparenting and all that, but it's not selfish to dream as an empty nester, even though you are stretched in the sandwich season, because I believe that those desires are gifts from God to us. And then. That's our gift to give back to him. So you ask where they can find you can find the book at www.RuthieGray.Com. That's G R a Y. And you can find everything else on my podcast, Authentic Online Marketing with Ruthie Gray, and we cover a lot of things. We cover a lot of Instagram. We cover a lot of newsletter marketing, and we cover a lot of book marketing and the different components for writing books and securing proposals and all kinds of things.

[00:27:11] So. I hope you join me.

[00:27:13] Rayna Neises: that crazy world. Well, I know as caregivers, oftentimes, When that caregiving season is over, there's a real lostness that reminds me of kind of that emptiness time of this has been so time consuming, especially as we walk them all the way home, the intensity of their need, and our need to be there with them is, it's the highest peak that as we, work through the grief of losing our loved one, we have to start to dream again.

[00:27:41] And it sounds like even the things in your book would be really helpful for us as we're moving past that caregiving season. And oftentimes moving past the caregiving season while our kids have launched too. So that emptiness can be even more empty, I think, once our caregiving is

[00:27:57] Ruthie Gray: It's true. And I've had women from all stages of life, read it and say, this is, this isn't just for empty nesters. This can be for younger women who are looking for the next step or older. And by the way, I did want to say that my dad passed in 2020 and that was a very difficult time and it was a difficult time globally too.

[00:28:24] But that was the that was the start of the next level of my business was on the heels of his passing. So God has a, he has. a plan for you and He doesn't necessarily want you your life to stop just because you are a caregiving. He still wants you to thrive You just have to find your footing and sit at his feet and I advise people to journal and then you know receive wise counsel.

[00:29:04] Rayna Neises: Wise words, Ruthie. Thank you so much for being here today and sharing just a little piece of your story. And we really appreciate

[00:29:11] Ruthie Gray: Thank you so much for having me

[00:29:15] Rayna Neises: Well, listeners, thank you for joining us today for Stories of Hope from Ruthie. We are so glad that you're here today. Just a reminder, A Season of Caring Podcast has been created to share stories of hope of living content, loving well, and caring without regrets.

[00:29:28] If you have financial, legal, or medical questions, be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.

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