Caring with Strength, Faith and Family: Stories of Hope with Tracee Loran

Discover the heartwarming and challenging journey of Tracee Loran, a New York City-based writer, actress, and producer, who beautifully balances her vibrant city life with the profound responsibility of caring for her 97-year-old grandmother in Mississippi. Tracee's story is rich with insights on the evolving dynamics of caregiving, as she and her mother alternate six-month shifts to support her beloved grandmother. Our conversation shines a light on the depth of their bond and the significance of truly cherishing the moments spent together, emphasizing family love and resilience.

Tracee shares her personal journey of overcoming challenges, including her initial hesitation due to a weak stomach, revealing the unexpected rewards of stepping up as a caregiver. Her narrative is an ode to empathy, faith, and drawing strength from spiritual beliefs, family, and the community. Listen as she candidly discusses the emotional and physical demands of caregiving, highlighting the support system that has helped her navigate these trials with grace and gratitude. Her story is a powerful testament to finding inner strength and compassionate help for long-term caregiving.

Unravel the complexities of assembling a reliable caregiving team as Tracee opens up about her strategy of reaching out to local churches, showcasing the power of community, prayer, and patience. With honest reflections on the necessity of self-care and maintaining personal goals.  Tracee's experience offers invaluable lessons on preventing caregiver burnout, setting personal goals, and embracing life's challenges with kindness and patience. Join us for an inspiring episode that encourages us to support our loved ones with unwavering love and empathy.

Chapters

• 1:50 Balancing Life and Caregiving
• 4:34 Cherishing Moments with Grandma
• 11:19 Challenges and Surprises in Caregiving
• 16:58 Finding the Right Caregivers
• 27:32 Caregiver Resilience and Gratitude

Transcript

[00:00:00] Rayna Neises: Welcome. This is Rayna Neises, your host of A Season of Caring Podcast, where we share stories of hope for family caregivers, breaking through the busyness and loneliness of caregiving to find God even in this season. Today, I'm excited to introduce you to Tracee Loren. She is a New York City based writer, actress, and producer. She's a former ESPN reporter covering major sporting events like the super bowl, NBA playoffs in Wimbledon. 

[00:00:30] Tracee created an innovative digital series called black history baddies, which has garnered over 1 5 million views across several platforms. She's appeared in many national TV ads and promos for major brands, including HBO, FedEx, AT& T, and Arby's. The proud Chicago native with strong Mississippi roots is a former high school homecoming queen. No curtsy required. Tracee has added family caregiver to her impressive list of credentials and we're excited to talk with her today about her caregiving season.

[00:01:04] Welcome

[00:01:05] Tracee Loran: So glad to be here.

[00:01:06] Rayna Neises: to have you. So tell us a little bit about who you're caring for and what that looks like

[00:01:12] Tracee Loran: Sure. So I'm taking care of my 97 year old grandmother, who is amazing. She lives in Mississippi. And so I split my time with my mom. So my mom lives in the Chicagoland area. I'm in New York. So we split our time six months on six months off and we take care of grandma. So right now I like to call it my tour of duty. So right now it's my off season. I'm on vacation. 

[00:01:40] Yes, but not really though. Cause I, I talked to her every day and you know, so I'm always, I'm always glued into what's going on. Absolutely.

[00:01:51] Rayna Neises: Yeah. That's amazing. Six months. That is a long time, but it kind of took you guys a little while to get to that place where you figured out that's the best rhythm for you.

[00:02:00] Tracee Loran: So my grandma fell back right after she turned 90. So she fell down, she was pulling out her garbage and she lost her balance and she fell. In Mississippi, we call it the utility room, basically is the laundry room and everything else room. And she fell, slid back and banged up against the water heater, 

[00:02:20] she cracked some ribs. She of course went to the hospital. The doctor said, it's time for her not to live by herself because she was living alone. 

[00:02:28] My mom rushed to her side. Her nieces and nephews are in the same area.

[00:02:34] So they helped her until my mom got there. And then my mom was going on vacation to Hong Kong. And she asked me if I could come a little early. So I did, because normally I would always spend the end of the year with grandma anyway. So like the last month, of the year into the new year was our time. And so I just went early and I ended up there that first time for nine months.

[00:02:54] Yeah. My mom relieved me. Around June of 2018, I stayed in New York for a few months and then mom came back we did the three month thing and mom was like, you know what? This three month thing is a little pelter skelter because she has a business, she owns a nail salon and she's married.

[00:03:12] She said, it's better if we kind of do maybe six months because then you get into a rhythm I said, okay, fine. But I was like, can I please have summers in New York? That was my only request. So she said,

[00:03:28] Rayna Neises: You didn't want to have to deal with the giant mosquitoes in Mississippi,

[00:03:31] huh?

[00:03:31] Tracee Loran: well, Dan and I just love summers in New York. It's so culturally, it's so rich and there's so much to do like tonight. I'm like randomly got invited to a very swanky event. And so I'm going to be heading there after I finished having this lovely conversation with you. And so those are things that don't happen in Mississippi.

[00:03:49] There are things in Mississippi that are unique to Mississippi that I love, but culturally New York is where it's at. So in the summer. I just love it. So she was like, sure. So that's kind of how we got on this schedule. But I'm honestly, I'm still in Mississippi, even when it's not my turn. I was just there last month and I was there for a couple of weeks.

[00:04:09] So grandma's kind of glued to me. So, you know, I'll check in and have other stuff that I do there. I love it. I absolutely love it.

[00:04:17] Rayna Neises: I love your relationship. My parents were married very young, but didn't have us until they were much later in life. And my grandparents had all passed before I was born. So I love that relationship that you have with her and just that opportunity to spend that kind of quality time is really neat.

[00:04:34] Tracee Loran: It's a blessing. It is an absolute blessing. And I chuckle when people say, Oh, you need to cherish that time. And I'm like, girl, what do you think I'm doing? Like, all I do is cherish the time. You know, my grandmother and I have been close. I want to say since before I was born, because she's just always been a part of my life and we've just always been very close.

[00:04:53] So it just makes sense that I'm the person, one of the people that's taking care of her at this stage of her life. She's always taking care of me. And then my mom, my biggest supporters in my career. And so, yeah, it just makes sense. It's no big deal. People make a big deal out of it and I get it.

[00:05:10] But for me, I'm like, yeah, this is what we're supposed to do. We are put here to serve. First of all. We're supposed to take care of our elders and then we're just supposed to take care of someone in need. And so my grandma needs me right now.

[00:05:23] Rayna Neises: I love that. It's black and white for me too. And so many people see all this gray and it's like, no, this is, this is just what it is. It's, season. It's the time to step up and just take care of them. It's. is.

[00:05:37] So I love That 

[00:05:38] Tracee Loran: is just this

[00:05:40] Rayna Neises: Yeah. So share a favorite story with us about grandma and you.

[00:05:44] Tracee Loran: grandma and I have so many stories. She is so funny. She is a hoot. So I have a lot of favorite stories of her, but I want to say the most recent, you mentioned my series, Black History Baddies. With grandma, usually I'll record her all the time. Kind of like put my tape recorder on and just record stories and stuff like that.

[00:06:04] Sometimes she gets shy if she knows you're recording her, but for season three of Black History Baddies, I was doing something special and I said, it would be really cool if my grandmother would allow me to interview her and then have a mini documentary at the end of my film. And so I said, Hey grandma, what do you think about me like interviewing you for my series? She said, yeah, really quickly. I said, Oh my God, let me hurry up and get the camera set it up. Like before this lady changes her mind. 

[00:06:33] And so I set the camera up and I just started asking her questions and she has such a very interesting life because her dad, my great grandfather, Lonnie Sutton, was the first black man in this town of Mississippi to acquire a loan from the bank to buy a farm.

[00:06:52] And so he bought this farm and it was, you know, it's in poor condition. And he and my, my grandmother and her other siblings, they just, Tealed and toiled until it was beautiful. So my grandmother loves to talk about her dad and her and her siblings and her mom. And so she talked about that in my film and she just talked about her life.

[00:07:10] And. It was just so beautiful. And every time I showed a film to people, they're like, yeah, yeah, Tracee, you were great, but grandma, she was amazing. 

[00:07:18] Right. And I was just like, yeah, she was so cute. She's just so cute. And I just love the fact that she was so willing to sit there and. And talk about it. And so that's a really great experience for me because it involved my career.

[00:07:33] It's something that is immortal. Like I'll have it forever and, you know, and she was proud of it. And so that's just a really good recent memory, but we have a lot when I'm there for Sunday, we always take a photo shoot before we go to church. And so it's just, we have a lot of memories, but that's a good one.

[00:07:55] Rayna Neises: Yeah. I enjoyed that. I watched it and it was so fun to see her and all the pictures of your family at the end and be able to have those stories to share. I encourage caregivers, I think in this day and age video, it's so easy to do. One of the things I wish I had done differently was as I look back on pictures of my mom, because I was so young when she was diagnosed and my mom was a family picture taker. There just are hardly any pictures of her and very few pictures of me with her. There's lots of pictures of me and there's lots of pictures of my sister and even my dad in there with us, but she was always the one behind the camera. And so I love that pictures are so much easier to take today. And I definitely encourage you to take video when you can. It's, so wonderful to be able to preserve those memories because as much as we think, well, remember remember it. It's hard when they're gone. 

[00:08:49] Tracee Loran: It is. And I also encourage people, even if you can't get the video, just get your phone, turn on your recorder and get audio, because let me tell you something, the audio is just as important that to remember what their voices sounds like. And just to hear whatever the stories they're telling or whatever passion or whatever it is.

[00:09:09] So even if you don't have the video all the time. The recordings are just as important. They really are. And I know that my grandmother has always been the picture taker in the family. Like we have loads of albums. It's ridiculous. So many albums to the fact that people may be like you and your position would call and say, Hey, you know, they call her Mamie.

[00:09:29] Hey Mamie, do you have a picture of my mom? And she would have it. And so we would send them out and, people would be so grateful because they know that grandma. took so many pictures that she has pictures of everybody's parents, everybody's children, like she has them. So, and she also has a lot of herself too.

[00:09:46] Rayna Neises: That's a good reminder. I, mom's been gone this month, um, 36 years. And so you don't, you don't remember, think you would. So. amazing to have those memories. I love that you spend the time with her and that you're, you're catching all those things. 

[00:10:01] Thank you for joining me today don't you just love Tracee's energy and excitement about being able to serve her grandmother by being her caregiver. Today's episode is brought to you by me, your caregiving coach, an International Coach Federation Certified Coach who specializes in supporting people, just like you. 

[00:10:22] Those who find themselves in a season of caring. As Tracee mentioned in her interview, finding that rhythm of life that works with both you and the person you're caring for is so crucial and can be so tricky. Coaching allows you the space to really examine how things are going. To listen to your heart and to the holy spirit to learn what things you might need to change and then explore opportunities of change. Coaching is just the opportunity to have someone come alongside you ask questions, offer accountability and really lift you up in prayer to the Lord. I would love the honor to talk with you more about coaching. Visit me at www.Aseasonofcaring.com to find a time for us to be able to connect and see how I can support you in your season of caring. Now let's go back to my conversation with Tracee. 

[00:11:13] So what would be one thing that you would share with us that was surprising to you about caregiving?

[00:11:18] Tracee Loran: Wow. Well, let me tell you something Rayna. I have an incredibly weak stomach. I am so queasy about everything. Like today when I took my friends to the hospital and they had to do some drainage and stuff, and I was like turning away and she was like, Tracee, are you looking? I want you to take pictures.

[00:11:38] I'm like, Oh my God, make me look. I had to look and I was like, but so I have a very weak stomach and it's a lot of things that I just can't literally can't handle. And when you become a caregiver, Especially of an elder or anyone really, it doesn't matter. You know, if it's someone that's homebound and someone that can't do certain things for themselves, there's a lot of things you got to do that aren't so pleasant. 

[00:12:04] The fact that I have just been able to dive into some of the most unpleasant situations and my stomach is still weak, but I don't care. I'm like, grandma needs this done. Let me just dive into it and just take care of it. And I think the reason why it's become easier is because I'm thinking about how she feels about the fact that I have to do this for her.

[00:12:30] And to know that as a proud, and she is famously independent. Like I said, she lived by herself till 90. She's an amazing cook. She's an amazing dresser, like just a fashionista cares about her appearance. So to know that sometimes people may have to do stuff that may be a little embarrassing. So for me, I just kind of dispel my own queasy stomach to make her feel comfortable.

[00:12:57] Like, Oh no, it's, it's totally fine. Grandma, don't worry about it. Like this is nothing, you know what I'm saying? So that really has surprised me. And I'm like, Oh, I can't believe I just did that. You know?

[00:13:10] Rayna Neises: Yes,

[00:13:11] I do. 

[00:13:11] Tracee Loran: Yeah. Her pastor was like, you are such a, you would make such a great nose. I don't want to be a nurse.

[00:13:18] I'm grandma's person and I can do for grandma and of course, if I had to do it for someone, yeah, you'll do it, but I don't want to go out and get a job being a nurse. No, like I applaud them. 

[00:13:29] I applaud them. They are amazing human beings. My grandmother has some of the most incredible nurses and so I applaud them. And no, I cannot do this as a career,

[00:13:41] Rayna Neises: Yeah, I have to agree. I was so young when my mom was sick that bathing her and taking her to the bathroom. All of those personal things. I just stepped into it. I mean, I was very young and it really didn't feel awkward and think about it. But that was one of the things whenever we started needing to move into 24 hour care with my dad, I was just like, Oh, I don't know that I can do all those things. And I'm so thankful that whenever the situation arose and I needed to, it was just like, okay, Lord, let's do this. You know, just do it. And it was amazing the things that I was able to step into and take care of. Thankfully, I'm so thankful the Lord gave me my sister. She was fascinated by all of the medical stuff. So he had skin cancer and had a really large wound on his shoulder that the skin graft failed on because he had MRSA in the wound. And had to clean that thing and had to watch. I mean, she pictures every day to make sure it was healing. And I was so thankful that she was there to do that because I didn't have to, but like you said, it's amazing what we can do when we just have the right perspective and exactly what you said.

[00:14:48] He just needed help and I wasn't going to leave him there. You're just going to step in and do what you have to 

[00:14:53] Tracee Loran: you do what you have to do. And honestly, you get your strength. You pray about it, you pray through it and you get your strength from God. The things that we can do as human beings is amazing. And if you truly, lean on your faith and lean on the Lord and just ask, like, all right, I have a queasy stomach Lord. Let me just please help me make it through these icky moments that just don't feel great, you know So it's the big things in a little prayer. There's no Prayer, that's too small. 

[00:15:23] Rayna Neises: No, 

[00:15:24] Tracee Loran: not. So

[00:15:26] Rayna Neises: he definitely reminds us that he's there at every moment in these kinds of situations. I think it doesn't take the big things to, call out and for him to be faithful and 

[00:15:34] Tracee Loran: no, Absolutely not.

[00:15:38] Rayna Neises: so share with us one way that God really showed up for you as you've been caregiving here the last seven years.

[00:15:44] Tracee Loran: Well, I would say that so when my mom and I are both there during our tours of duty It's general. It had generally been us. Yes, we have family members that are close by and they are amazing. My grandmother's nieces and nephews and stuff. And if we ever need them, they would be there, right?

[00:16:04] But they have lives too. So you can't have someone there 24 7. It was really difficult for the first three years because When my mom was there, she didn't have any long term extra help. And when I was there, I didn't. And so we would try to find people and you know, how difficult it is to get help 

[00:16:23] Please send us a person that is compassionate, a person that loves grandma, a person that is honest, not going to be stealing stuff from the house, a person that's going to treat 

[00:16:33] grandma with, with grace. And we just so many prayers, a person that can deal with.

[00:16:40] Us basically being managers of the house. So 

[00:16:43] we have issues. We had issues. We weren't able to get those people. We would have someone and it wouldn't work out and have somebody else. And ultimately it wouldn't work out. And it was just kind of a Debbie downer. And 

[00:16:56] so you're spending all day. I love grandma, obviously, but as a caregiver, you need to have your space and I'm career.

[00:17:04] And so I need to be able 

[00:17:05] to do things and take care of that stuff. We just pray mom and I, we just like, you know, we just have the faith that one day God is going to send us the right, the right person or the right people. And also, you know, caregiving, it's a journey. It's a learning lesson.

[00:17:20] You don't have a book. Ain't no book on it. There's a guy, people have written books, but like, you know what I mean? 

[00:17:28] Rayna Neises: Yep. 

[00:17:28] Tracee Loran: a caregiver instantly. There's no like if you're pregnant, generally you get eight to nine months to, to the baby.

[00:17:36] Rayna Neises: What to

[00:17:36] expect when you're expecting, right? 

[00:17:38] Tracee Loran: eight to nine months to plan it. You know, if you have a little early baby, you know what I mean?

[00:17:42] And so there's no caregiving like, well, in nine months you're going to be a caregiver. No, that bad boy is almost instantly in most cases. And so you 

[00:17:50] just have to dive right in. And so we didn't have any help. Finally, last year, after the last person left, and she had been there for a little bit, but you know, it didn't work out ultimately.

[00:18:04] Yeah. And she did some good things. I don't want to throw her completely under the bus, but it just didn't work out. Right. And so I had, I guess, you know, I'm going to say, I guess it came from God. Cause I was praying like, all right, we need a way. And so it came to me to put up like a little ad at all the churches in the community that, you know, maybe had a large black population or just people that may know grandma.

[00:18:29] Cause she's at the time, 96 people know her and they knew her family. So 

[00:18:35] I'm like, why didn't I think of this before? So I sent this ad out to all the churches. And let me tell you the calls that I was getting. I know miss Erlene. Oh my God. People were calling and I'm 

[00:18:47] like, Oh my gosh. So from that, we got two amazing people.

[00:18:54] One who actually bathed grandma when she fell. She was her bather on 

[00:18:59] Mondays. I had asked her before if she wanted a job, but she was still working full time. Right. So in the interim she had retired and she attends the church with my grandma's first cousin. My grandma's only living first cousin and her, my grandma's first cousin was like, Hey, you know, Earlene is looking for a person.

[00:19:17] So she called me. I'm like, Oh my gosh, you, so I was, I love that because grandma, I loved her. 

[00:19:23] So they came for interviews or whatever. And it was like, Voila! So what mom and I discovered during our journey is like, it's better to have two people because people burn 

[00:19:35] out. And people, most, most of the people that are great for these kinds of positions, I kind of in that retirement age, maybe, you know, and so they don't want to work all day.

[00:19:47] So it's good to have two people. So it works so perfectly with them because they split, they work a total of six days, right, a week. And they split it. So they'll work five days on. Five days off. So it works where they'll start from Thursday, Friday, and then Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

[00:20:08] And so every week someone's has that schedule. And then we have another person that comes on Saturdays and she's actually the first cousin of one of the other ladies. And they are all amazing, loving. They each, they each have their strengths. And what they're good with grandma for one person has grandma cracking up all the time and has her doing therapy.

[00:20:31] Another person is cleaning the house. All she's just sold. She's like, what needs to be done? What needs to be done? Always bringing her little gifts. This just loving on her, all of them. And my mom and I, we just like pinching ourself like, Oh my God, did this really happen? Like, We 

[00:20:49] have the perfect team. The household is running smoothly.

[00:20:53] Everyone's getting along. If you have to give them, you know, some feedback, they're okay with it. It's not all like, what are these people talking about? You know, people don't want you to say anything to 

[00:21:02] them thinking that only grandma can tell them stuff. Grandma's 90 something years old. He is an advocate.

[00:21:08] We are her advocates. If there's something that's going on, we're going to let you know about it with grace and kindness. We're nice people. We're not Boston people are out like being nasty, but some of these folks didn't even want you to say anything to them. Not one thing. If you say, Hey grandma, likes her oatmeal like this and like that. Well, she never told me. I'm telling you, I'm her mouthpiece. And so, God showed up because it took patience, it took time, three years. But the rewards have been great because we have three amazing women of God. Okay. Who are just, we don't have to worry about people stealing.

[00:21:54] We don't have to worry about people lying. We don't have to worry about the jobs not getting done. We are completely comfortable with our crew. We can leave the house, be gone seven hours and not have to be like, Oh my God, it. If we come back, is grandma going to be like beat up, abused, anything, none of that stuff. So that is the biggest thing. My mom and I just feel so blessed because of that. So that's the biggest way. That he's showing up.

[00:22:29] Rayna Neises: I have to Amen in that we went through so many different companies and so many different people and we were in a little different spot in that my dad couldn't really tell us what was happening. And so it was really hard to trust. Boy, we had an amazing group the last two and a half years, I could take vacation and feel comfortable about not being right there or my sister being right there. It's just a whole different ballgame. And I'll tell you, we prayed them in, we prayed them in, and I'm so thankful. And so caregivers, if you're not praying for that person, pray for them, tell God what you need, ask him to send those people and be on the lookout for his answer. Because there's so many to do's when you're caregiving, sometimes we forget to include him in those things. And so I love that. It's so important. He is faithful to answer. We got to ask

[00:23:22] Tracee Loran: once they come, then pray for them to stay well.

[00:23:25] Rayna Neises: yes,

[00:23:26] Tracee Loran: I mean, you want them to stay well because you want them to be well. We joke around about it, but you want them to be well and you want everything to go well with their families because they have lives too. So we pray for them because we want them to, thrive and be successful and be healthy and all that stuff just because of who they are. And so then to double that, we also want them to be healthy because we don't want you to go anywhere.

[00:23:47] Rayna Neises: yes.

[00:23:48] Tracee Loran: So we love them so much. We really do. They're just such amazing women. They really are. I can't even say enough about them. They just, when I hear grandma and they're cracking up laughing, it just makes, I'm just like, what's so funny, you know? And they're just, I just love it. So that that's been a major, major thing.

[00:24:09] Rayna Neises: And I love that you found it and that you were open to having it because again, I think a lot of caregivers think, oh, I can handle it. I don't need help. And I know even when my aunt was living there before everything changed and he needed 24 hour care. We had a caregiver that drove my dad to his activities.

[00:24:26] He was really active and he loved to play volleyball and go to the gym. And so my aunt, we didn't want to ask her to have to do his schedule. So we hired someone that would take him with her and she really had trouble sharing her space. She really had trouble just letting the caregiver be with him and just do her own thing. And as I coach people, that's something I find too, that sometimes when you live in the home, you feel like you need to entertain the caregiver. And it's like, no, no, no, no. You need to start off with really specific expectations and you need to let go and let them do their job and let them really be able to carry part of that load for you so that you aren't doing it all, all the time. 

[00:25:05] Tracee Loran: You have to trust it. And it is scary. Listen, especially when COVID hit . I am insane with the being careful with grandma. Like seriously, you know, we still. encourage and have them wear masks and stuff when they're like in her face and like so close up and stuff like that.

[00:25:21] We're like, listen, because our doctor said it, her doctor said, listen, when you're elder, you can't have folks breathing in their face and just all that. So we're just like, we ask people to wear masks when they're that close and they're fine with it. But It's scary. And so I do know people who are afraid to kind of relinquish some of that. And I get it. I do understand, but I encourage them. And I encourage your listeners. If it's, if there are people like that to, first of all, you got to pray about it. You got to trust it. It's just like when a parent doesn't want to leave their baby with the daycare. That's scary, but

[00:25:57] Rayna Neises: Yep.

[00:25:59] Tracee Loran: you need a break. And if you don't get help, and even if you don't, I don't care if it's just for an hour, two hours, you got to find a way. Even if you have to ease your way into it, Hey, okay, I'm going to get a person to help two hours a day, two little hours. All right. And then the more you get comfortable, all right, three hours. And the more you get comfortable with that person, it makes such a big difference in your life. And it helps you if you're not whole and taking care of yourself, you're not going to be able to be a caregiver.

[00:26:34] How many times Raina, have we heard the stories of the caregiver dying first, 

[00:26:40] Rayna Neises: Yeah, 

[00:26:41] Tracee Loran: statistics are out there. I don't know what the statistics 

[00:26:43] Rayna Neises: they're crazy. 

[00:26:44] Tracee Loran: statistics are high. You're taking care of the person and all of a sudden you're sick and you're gone. No, we can't do that. And the reason is. A large, a large part of that is because of stress, not going to your doctor appointments, not paying attention to your body, making sure what's going on with you.

[00:27:03] And before you know it, some illness has snuck up on you. So it's very important for the listeners to find a way to get some help and start off small hour a day. And then with that hour, you can just. Run with the wind, you know, whatever you gotta do, exercise, just whatever. If you're in whatever state you're in, walk in the park, if you're by the beach, walk by the beach, whatever, go take yourself out to lunch.

[00:27:32] You have to do something for yourself when you're a caregiver because it is highly stressful. you don't want to burn out. And what you don't want to do is be resentful.

[00:27:43] Rayna Neises: Mm, for sure 

[00:27:44] Tracee Loran: That resentment is heavy. And if you don't take care of yourself, you will have resentment, even though you don't want it because you love your person and you can't even imagine resenting them.

[00:27:54] You don't resent them. You resent the situation. That's what you resent. If you don't take care of yourself, I don't have any resentment. I don't have any regret. I am happy as a lark. It is. It's challenging. I'm not going to lie to you. It's challenging to pick up and leave. It's challenging for my mom to pick up and leave her husband to leave her business. But we do it out of love, but it's not resentful. It's done out of love. It's a labor of love and it's done out of respect and care and just being a human being. 

[00:28:26] Rayna Neises: Well said. 

[00:28:29] I'm amazed at how many resentful, bitter caregivers you run into. And it is about not taking care of yourself. And it seems like it's an easy thing to say. It's, it's harder to do, but at the same time, once you work it into your daily life, which is really what it's all about is daily taking care of yourself and your needs and realizing you have needs, uh, it, it isn't as hard as it seems. 

[00:28:55] Tracee Loran: absolutely. Yeah. You take care of your needs and you're like, okay, this is what I'm doing. This is my life. My life is yada, yada, yada, yada. And I come here, I take care of grandma and we get up at this time in the morning, five 36, we do our five 36 run. I get to lay down for another two hours. She does too. The person comes and helps. It's a routine. And if the person doesn't come that day, well, I do what I've always been doing. And that's the thing. Like if someone can't come that day for their shift, then you're like, all right, well, we, we did this for three years. So it's no, it's no big deal. 

[00:29:26] But you know that Monday through Friday, you have help from eight 30 to three 30. And then every other Saturday you have help or sometimes every Saturday. And so, you know, that these are seven hours for me, That I have to do what I want to do. If I want to sit home, if I still want to help grandma, cause she still calls my name, that's fine, but I know that I can leave 

[00:29:47] Rayna Neises: Right. 

[00:29:47] Tracee Loran: can shut the door and just go watch TV or take a nap or do some of my writing or whatever. I know that that's my time to do whatever I want to do at that time. And then I know come three 30. It's grandma's time. So from three 30 to whenever grandma, she's usually like hanging out until like six, six 30. So I know from three 30 to six 30, we got to hang out and watch TV with her, whatever we do.

[00:30:10] And then after that I'm free again. So you know that you get into a rhythm but you do have some relief. And I think I cannot stress this enough because I know there's so many people who don't want to trust a person in their house. And I'm not telling you that it's going to be perfect.

[00:30:30] You might have to go through four or five, six different people. Like I did, like my mom did. We went through six people, I think , before we struck gold, but we struck gold. And so, and you got to recognize early that that person isn't working out. 

[00:30:48] I had a friend who told me who's her mom had Alzheimer's. She's since passed away a couple of years ago. One of the ladies was still in like. Tuna or some food out of the pantry. I'm like, what is, who are these people? Why are you selling tuna? What's wrong with you?

[00:31:06] Rayna Neises: Yeah. It's hard. It's hard to find them, but you just keep looking. And like you said earlier, when you know it's not going to work, just move 

[00:31:15] Tracee Loran: Cut 

[00:31:15] Rayna Neises: Yep. For them too. It's not a good fit for them either. If they can't do what you're asking them to do, that's not a happy place for them to be either. So find somewhere else, find a better fit.

[00:31:25] Tell us One thing that helps you to live content, love well and care without regret. Yeah,

[00:31:31] Tracee Loran: Well, I do start the day off with a prayer. I have a prayer partner. My friend Stacy is my prayer partner. And my mom and anybody else who wants to pray. I pray for, you know, my friends. They're like, hey, let's pray today. And so that's good. You know, you do your devotionals and I just like to try to live with gratitude and to try honestly, Rayna, my prayer is always to be better tomorrow than I am today and better than the next day than I am tomorrow.

[00:32:03] And so I try to grow and realize whatever things I need to work on just to be a better person. And I feel like that helps me to be content, live with gratitude. To, you know, have goals. That I am still striving for so while I'm caring for my grandmother, I'm still doing my career stuff. And that helps me a lot and just really enjoy life.

[00:32:28] I do enjoy life. And I enjoy the things that come along with life. I enjoy, even though some of the challenges are painful, but I enjoy the lessons that I get out of them. So I try to see the good stuff, even in the things that are painful. Because then you're growing and it's like you're being sharpened and you're being molded.

[00:32:53] And so that's how I try to do it. Just look at the positive things. You're not always successful, but I try to look at like the good things and say, okay, what good came out of this? I had a thing. A couple of weeks ago, that wasn't so great. My friend and I had a pitch meeting with a major company and it was awful. However, I said, okay, but let's look at the, there's a positive thing that came out of this. And we figured out what that was. So I just try to figure out what are the positive things, even in the negative things. And that helps me to really live this life with gratitude and just be as positive as I can possibly be.

[00:33:32] I think that I'm pretty good at getting up and dusting off my knees and saying, all right, this is a new day, a new opportunity.

[00:33:43] Rayna Neises: yeah. It's so important. Our attitude makes such a difference. There's always good and bad in everything and being able to learn from the bad and move forward with the good is, definitely something that helps us to grow. And I always say, I want to be more like Jesus. So how can I be more like Jesus every day? What do I need to do to be more like him? And it starts with spending time with him, like you said, and, being able to just be aware in every moment, how can I be more like him and not just allow all the things that we think or want to do or say to dominate, but just rather to really, , think about him and react in that

[00:34:23] way.

[00:34:24] So, well, Tracee, it's been so great to talk with you. Do you have one little nugget of wisdom you'd like to pass on maybe to somebody who's just getting started in their caregiving journey?

[00:34:35] Tracee Loran: It's okay to not know everything when you first start as a caregiver. It's okay to make mistakes because you will make mistakes and it is absolutely okay to cry. 

[00:34:47] It's okay to go into that room, shut the door and scream your head off. And it's okay to be frustrated at the person that you're taking care of.

[00:34:56] Grandma and I sometimes fight like sisters. I'm just like, Grandma, stop it. You know, cause you gotta, sometimes you gotta like lower the expectations. I'm like, lady, if you were in the nursing home, And you were ringing that bell. You'd be ringing that bell all day. They would not come running like you expect for me to come running all day when you ring that bell.

[00:35:18] So it's okay to be frustrated and all that stuff. And, and I say to always have someone to talk to someone who is a caregiver, though, who understands you. Obviously, if you have your pastor, your minister, people like that to speak with. But I mean, it, okay. Find another caregiver, listen to Rayna's podcast, get in a caregiving group, anything that will allow you to speak to someone who understands what you are going through as a caregiver.

[00:35:50] They may not understand what it's like to be the caregiver of an Alzheimer patient or a cancer patient or whatever, but they understand the dynamics of being a caregiver. So I would say, Find that person, be okay with not knowing everything and know that you are doing the best that you can. Absolutely do. And that's what I think. You're doing a great job.

[00:36:16] Rayna Neises: Thank you so much. It's been so great, Tracee. We really appreciate you being here today.

[00:36:21] Tracee Loran: Thank you. I appreciate it. And I just do want to say to your listeners to please check me out. I'm on all social media at Tracee Loran. That's T R A C E E Loran, L O R A N. And my website is TraceeLoran. com and please check out my series, Black History Baddies.

[00:36:36] Rayna Neises: Yeah. Some great stuff there. Thank you. Thanks for being here. 

[00:36:40] Tracee Loran: Thank you.

[00:36:41] Bye.

[00:36:42] Rayna Neises: Thank you for joining us for stories of hope with Tracee. A Season of Caring Podcast is created to share stories of hope for living content, loving well, and caring without regrets If you're, have legal, financial, or medical questions, be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.