Guidance, Growth and Family Bonds: Stories of Hope with Cindy Egger

Cindy Morton-Egger takes us on an emotional journey through her nearly 40-year experience as a caregiver, sharing insights that resonate with anyone who is navigating the complexities of caring for loved ones. Through her stories, Cindy opens up about the trials she faced while caring for her mother, particularly during the turbulent period following a family divorce and the loss of her brother. Her narrative is a moving testament to resilience and the unexpected blessings found in times of adversity. From confronting the challenges of her mother's COPD to finding strength in her bond with her mother-in-law during her battle with pancreatic cancer, Cindy’s journey is a beacon of hope and inspiration.

What strategies are crucial when it comes to difficult caregiving decisions, like taking away car keys from elderly parents? Cindy addresses this and more, sharing the delicate art of therapeutic lying to manage challenging situations and ensure the well-being of those she cares for.  Cindy also reflects on the importance of finding emotional support and the surprising ways in which some of the hardest caregiving moments became cherished memories. The episode sheds light on the balance between caregiving responsibilities and personal growth, revealing how resilience and faith can guide one through seemingly insurmountable challenges.

This episode underscores the vital role of support systems and professional counseling in caregiving, reminding us of the power of faith and the importance of nurturing family relationships. Join us as we offer hope and guidance to family caregivers.

Chapters

• 1:41 Cindy's Caregiving Journey Begins
• 3:30 Challenges and Blessings in Caregiving
• 6:20 Humor and Coping Mechanisms
• 9:14 Navigating Relationships and Therapeutic Lying
• 16:01 Finding Support in Caregiving Journey
• 18:09 The Role of Faith in Caregiving
• 21:44 Advice for New Caregivers
• 27:58 Connecting With Cindy Morton-Egger

Transcript

[00:00:00] Rayna Neises: Welcome. This is Rayna Neises your host of A Season of Caring Podcast, where we share stories of hope for family caregivers, breaking through the busyness and loneliness of life to see God even in the middle of the season. Today, I'm excited to introduce you to Cindy Morton Egger. Cindy is a speaker who shares her stories of being a wife, mother, caretaker, hairstylist, and artist. 

[00:00:25] These many facets of her life provide opportunities for her to share her love of Jesus. Her love to minister, inspire, and encourage women shines throughout her life. She has spent 25 years using her God given talent as an artist in her gift line, Steps of Faith Inspirational Gifts. Her work has been sold in gift shops nationwide and featured in national magazines. 

[00:00:48] Recently, she has added author to her job description and published an interactive journal she also illustrated, Finding the Lord Every Day in Unexpected Ways. Cindy has spent all of her adult life as a caretaker in different seasons with her mother, father, mother in law, and currently father in law. She shares her caretaker experience in a newly released anthology Strength in the Storm. She loves to embrace life, learn new things and serve the Lord. Cindy and her husband live near Birmingham, Alabama, and enjoys having their children and grandchildren not too far away. Follow her adventures and connect with her At Steps of Faith. com and Cindy Morton Eggerson. com. She's also on Facebook. 

[00:01:31] Welcome, Cindy. It's so glad to have you here today. 

[00:01:34] Cindy Egger: Thank you I'm glad to be here 

[00:01:36] Rayna Neises: So I'd like to start off by just having you share a little bit about your caregiving season. 

[00:01:41] Cindy Egger: It started with my mom when Bobby and I were freshly married. So it's been almost 40 years ago. Her and my dad went through a bad divorce as if there is a good one. But this one was exceptionally emotionally bad. Immediately after my parents divorce, my special needs brother passed away. My grandmother had just passed away right before they divorced. She just got hit with a lot of stuff. So there was a lot of emotional caretaking during that period before her physical body, gave out. And she began to fight COPD and blood clots. So about 25 years. It was just all different stages. Some parts she was physically healthy, but still struggling with the facts of her life. And then it did get to she was very physically sick and the last year of her life she was in the hospital seven times. The strangest part is each time I took her to the emergency room she didn't want to go to the doctor So God love her, she always decided to go after 10 o'clock at night through the emergency room. And so that was our MO for that. And the last time that she went was the strangest time because of all the times that I felt like she wasn't sick. She did not have the same symptoms. She did not have the same, you know, you, by that time you've learned to watch somebody's color, the way they breathe. You've just proves that the human body is very unpredictable. Somebody told me one day, that's why they call it practice in medicine, because they haven't perfected it. But, she went on a ventilator for 30 days 

[00:03:26] Rayna Neises: Wow. 

[00:03:26] Cindy Egger: before, um, she, she passed away. During the last 10 years with her, my mother in law, who because of my mom's personal life, it affected our relationship severely. And that's what I wrote about overcoming cause that was definitely a challenge I see people's, you know, fairytale relationships with their moms and you want that, but I didn't get that. And that's, so I just did the best I could. I tried to help her through all that. But meanwhile, my mother in law, I was blessed to join an Andy Griffith, Mayberry family. My mother in law embodied a woman of faith. She shared Jesus with me. We were best friends. And during that last ten years before my mom passed away, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Ignorance is so bliss in medicine. It really is. When you don't know what they're talking about, when all you hear is a foreign language, when they're explaining what's going on, sometimes that's truly a blessing. And so she had a Whipple procedure and I'd never heard of that. But what that is, is they go in to remove part of your pancreas, but to get to your pancreas, they realign every major organ that you have. And they sat in the weight room and told us she would never physically be the same she was not. And she struggled with that for seven years, before it reappeared. Now, another blessing is if they ever told us that this was a temporary fix, none of us ever heard that. 

[00:04:56] Rayna Neises: Mm hmm. 

[00:04:57] Cindy Egger: So when she was hit with it again, we were blindsided. But it was also a blessing because we weren't sitting around waiting on it to happen. 

[00:05:07] Rayna Neises: Yeah. 

[00:05:08] Cindy Egger: But when that time came, I was with her and I was caretaking, helping. She and my father in law still lived alone, but I was a very integral part of that. And I had taken her to the internal doctor to check and cause a knot had come up. And because of her health situation, she weighed less than a hundred pounds and she was about five, seven. So when she got a mass, on her stomach She was very aware of it. 

[00:05:31] And I told her, I said, now, if you was fluffy like me, you'd never know that was there, you know, but the doctor assured us it was nothing. Then when we went back for the results, he seemed to have forgotten that conversation. And he showed us an x ray with a belly full of tumors And so the last three years werepretty bad. Meanwhile, my mom passed away during that time and then when she passed away, my dad, the year before she passed away, I had kind of taken over care of my dad who is, who was 86 and had been very healthy. And then the last year of his life, um, It was kind intense 

[00:06:12] Rayna Neises: Mm-Hmm. 

[00:06:13] Cindy Egger: and then, um, taking him to doctors and then his last four months were spent with care. And, so my dad and my mother in law died within six months of each other. 

[00:06:26] Rayna Neises: Wow. 

[00:06:27] Cindy Egger: And then, and, and I, you know, you've been in medical crisis and you know, it's like, you know, you try to use humor. So nothing I say in humor is meant to be disrespectful to anyone. But your humor has to help you get through. 

[00:06:42] And I say we lost my mother in law and we inherited an 85 year old man with dementia so, Actually he was 83. So we're going on our third year of, we're not his caretaker. He does live in a wonderful facility that he loves. A retirement community with all levels of care. He's doing very well. He has not digressed at the speed that we were afraid he would, so that is a blessing still, the buck stops with us, with his care. We talk to him every day. I'm over there frequently. As a matter of fact, I've taken on a little job over there. I go and teach art classes, 

[00:07:21] Rayna Neises: Oh, fun. 

[00:07:23] Cindy Egger: to them, and it's been great. I've really enjoyed getting to know them and meet them and, and it's kind of helped. For most days, he's a very happy, content person, and I'm very thankful for that. And that's why I told my husband, I said, I've already been through a difficult patient So I'm very thankful that he is a good patient, but, and so that's where we are. That's my four totally different scenarios. 

[00:07:46] Rayna Neises: Yes. And that's the thing about aging parents especially is it typically is one right after the other because they are at that age. And when you lose one, then it becomes even more obvious how much they relied on each other. It was even caregiving for my mom, was very limited because my dad was the primary caregiver. 

[00:08:07] So when I could get him to leave and go do something else, then I could step into that role. But most of the time it was all on dad. And once dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, then My sister and I were what he had. And so we were the ones that had to make those decisions and step into that role. And I think it's something we kind of don't expect. I'm not sure why we don't aging parents just, they come along with those needs. 

[00:08:34] Cindy Egger: / well, my mother in law was such a saint. I mean, I know people say that after people pass away, but I called her that before she passed away, but she trained my father in law, she trained him. She had me over there. I was paying the bills. I was taking care of household stuff. because we knew the end result. And, um, anything he would say, she'd say, just ask Cindy, just ask Cindy, just ask Cindy. Now, still that's, I'm his, lifeline. And it's so funny because if he calls my phone, we know he needs something, wants something, confused or something. And if he calls Bobby's phone, then we know he's just doing his daily check in. And you just build relationships with the people over there that are taking care of them. You love them. You do the best you can. You let the people know that you care because it's like a kid in school. If you're the parent that never shows up, they're not going to call you when something goes wrong because they have every reason to believe you don't care. the hardest part is it's such a gray line with parents. With your kids. Yes. your spouse and other relationships there are very black and white lines. And with parents, like when we, we had to take his car keys and that was the most difficult part of this part of the journey. And it took over nine months that every time we talked to him, it did not come up about his car. Even though we had all acted like we didn't see the big yellow streak down the side of his car, 

[00:10:06] Rayna Neises: Yes. 

[00:10:08] Cindy Egger: you know, he called me up one day and he said, to me, Like hey, he said I'm gonna need you to bring me my keys and he's never that is the most bowed up he's ever been on me. Really? I mean, he's never really and I'm like, I'm so sorry But you know until we talked to the doctor and it is so funny because you know men use very Little words compared to women and I got a lot of words. No doubt But I told my husband when the time came I said, let me talk to your dad about taking his keys And he said, why? I said, He said, I don't want you to do that. That's my responsibility. I said, he's our responsibility and I'll explain to you Why I want to do it. I said, because number one, you're to have to say, dad, I'm sorry. The doctor said, you've got to quit driving and I'm taking your keys. And that's going to be it. I said, you watch, I will have him so confused. He will voluntarily hand me his keys, and I will have them in my hand and he will not know what hit him. 

[00:11:06] And so that's kind of how we handle a lot of things. You know, I've never lied so much in my whole life. When you're a caretaker, fudging the truth would sound a lot nicer, but the bottom line is sometimes you just have to tell lies to protect them. 

[00:11:21] Rayna Neises: Yeah. And it's hard to get used to. It is the right thing to do. And I've heard it termed therapeutic lying. that sometimes helps a little bit. 

[00:11:30] Cindy Egger: heard that one. Ooh, that makes me sound smarter, too. You know? But, like, he keeps losing his wallet. So, when he asks for more money, he keeps, I mean, I can't just keep handing him money, I'll need that one day to pay for his room, you know? 

[00:11:46] Rayna Neises: Yeah, one of the things we did with my dad because his wallet was really important to him and so he really fixated on it if he couldn't find it. We bought three identical wallets and we photocopied everything that was in the wallet and then stuck it in each one. So whenever one got lost, we could miraculously find it. And then eventually it would turn up and it's illegal to photocopy money, but if he's not spending the money, you might not put real money in there 

[00:12:16] Cindy Egger: Well, we gave him a credit card and he's lost that twice. So I got one from the bank. That's like the draft, like they do for kids now, but it's just easier to divert his attention and where he lives, if he goes to eat with them, when he goes to the grocery store with them, They can just put it on his account. So, we've gotten around it for the most part, especially since he's not driving because I also with the people at the bank when he was driving. he would go get money. He just know what he just wants cash. And I'm talking, I'm not talking popsicle money now. He likes a stack of it. And it keeps coming up missing and the, where he lives. Okay. is aware of it because they went to get his insurance card out. She's called me up. She said, did you know he had all his money in here? I said, oh, that's just half of it. I got half 

[00:13:08] Rayna Neises: Yeah. 

[00:13:09] Cindy Egger: So I, you know, it's a man thing. I think it's just a man It 

[00:13:12] Rayna Neises: is. And I think when they were younger, they didn't have a lot. And so there's a lot of security and having that cash and knowing they have money to take care of themselves and other people that are important to them. 

[00:13:23] Cindy Egger: just walk around with the credit card and we're good with that. 

[00:13:27] Rayna Neises: I like cash myself too, I'm a Dave Ramsey girl, so 

[00:13:34] Cindy Egger: I pay mine off every month. I don't, I don't run it. I Not with M& Ms, but with cash. I do have self control, so. 

[00:13:40] Rayna Neises: there you go. 

[00:13:41] Is it Cindy, a hoot. I love to hear her stories and how she's so passionate about caring for those that God has brought into her life to take care of today's episode has been brought to you by Content Magazine an online electronic magazine available for you. 

[00:13:56] If you're feeling you're losing yourself in your caregiving season, if you know, you need to laugh and have downtime, and if you aren't sure how to hold onto your faith, in this season of life, it's time to remember you are not alone. Though it's often feels like no one sees you or all that you do. The truth is God is always in your caregiving season. Content Magazine is here just to remind you of that. To give you some space to laugh a little, to enjoy stories of other caregivers and find the encouragement and nourishment you need for this season of caring. Visit Content Magazine.online today to get your copy of Content Magazine. Now back to more with Cindy. 

[00:14:39] So share what was most surprising for you in caregiving. 

[00:14:42] Cindy Egger: Oh, the most surprising part I think is just the moments that were so hard when you were going through them becoming your favorite That, that is what's because You think you're never going to recover from that pain. You think you're never going to recover and you don't, I think you are forever changed. I am forever changed by a lot of different moments that, Oh, I would just turn to a basket case if it was shared with you, but they, all of them were still treasured moments with them, you um, so I think that's what surprised me the most that that what was torture while I was going through it has become Such a sweet fond memory, 

[00:15:30] Rayna Neises: that. Nobody's ever shared that before. And I think that's so true. Some of the strangest things that we have to do as caregivers, my sister and I were able to do those together. And so we can still laugh about them now when we look back, but they were definitely traumatic at the time 

[00:15:45] Cindy Egger: right? 

[00:15:45] Rayna Neises: of just, you know, taking care of physical 

[00:15:50] Cindy Egger: Well, do you do y'all have Lay's potato chips where you live? 

[00:15:53] Rayna Neises: do. 

[00:15:54] Cindy Egger: Okay. Well the original kind dad, right before he passed away, we were talking as as casual as you and I, and the doctor came in we were just thrilled because we had gone in through the emergency room the night before and the, did you discover that the emergency room doctors and your regular doctors never agree on a diagnosis? I mean, like, never. 

[00:16:18] Rayna Neises: they never even talk. Yeah, definitely not. 

[00:16:21] Cindy Egger: they're nowhere, they weren't even in the same ballpark, so they, she had told us, you know, I don't remember an infection, something, whatever. Okay, we're thinking, oh, he's gonna get an antibiotic and he's gonna be fine. don't remember what he said, but he alluded to he was very sick. I'm like, he looks like he's so much than last night. he looked at me just, and I know, you know, their delivery in their defense, our reception of what they say, It get that gets lost so many times because they're trying to tell you things. I I firmly believe they're trying to tell you things, but you are so full of hope that you don't hear what they're saying. and he said, Oh no, he sepsis. Like he was sepsis, his whole body, but he's standing, he's sitting in his bed talking to his, and I mean, I followed that doctor out of the room. I'm like, what are you talking about? wait, explain to me what you're talking about. But Meanwhile, me and my sister are in the room with him, had a very nice visit. Excellent memory of that. And she went and got a snack. And my dad had not eaten for like four days. He didn't want to eat. She came back with a little bright yellow bag of laced potato chips from the vending machine. 

[00:17:28] Rayna Neises: mm-Hmm. 

[00:17:29] Cindy Egger: And my dad said, Well, I think I would like one of those. Well, of course she gave him the bag. Well, he ate the whole bag. So she went and got another bag. So the joke became, and after my dad passed away, for months every night, if me and Bobby were out, and if I didn't have him home, I would say, I'm gonna need to go by the Quit Mart, and we would go by and get a bag of those Lay's chips, and I ate them almost every night before I went to bed. 

[00:17:57] Rayna Neises: Mm. 

[00:17:58] Cindy Egger: So crazy memory 

[00:18:00] Rayna Neises: So share with us a story of when God really showed up for you in your caregiving 

[00:18:06] Cindy Egger: I just, I just think that every time I cried out to him, he was there and I spent with her going to the emergency room seven times in the last year of her life. I spent a lot of time alone with her in very scary situations. Sitting in there thinking I could be witnessing, the death of my mom. And I would just I would just repeat, O Lord, you said you would never leave me nor forsake me. Never leave me or forsake me. And I cannot express just the peace that knowing I truly did not feel alone in that room. And I was alone in there. That is the heart of his presence. when we just reach out to Him. had to keep a clear mind. I had to be able to talk to the doctors. When I look back, it was scary, it took a lot of time away from some very special moments in my life. And so I had to pray a lot too, 

[00:19:21] I loved my mom through it and the Lord gave me the courage to keep going when she, I think she felt so betrayed by life. And the deaths and the divorce and all that in such a short period that I really think it was, you know, when our teenagers test us to see if they, you say you're not going to leave them and they, you say you'll love them no matter what, and then they put you to the test. 

[00:19:45] Rayna Neises: Mm-Hmm? 

[00:19:45] Cindy Egger: And I really believe my mom did the same thing. I didn't come to know the Lord till I was 30. Um, so when all that happened at first, I was her comrade in arms. I was angry just like she was, you know, I was, you know, I had a lot of anger and bitterness. And thankfully during that time I came to know the Lord and I didn't know I was angry and bitter, and that was another poignant moment part about being with my dad when he passed away was in our younger lives. We weren't close. He wasn't there, a lot of different background reasons for why the divorce even happened. And so there, that affects you and your, as a parent, your relationship with your children. But we were able to overcome all that. He came to know the Lord. I came to know the Lord , it's been very difficult that he was one of my best friends. And so to have that time when as a young adult, you never dreamed that you would be able to repair that relationship with your parents. Um, so we were able to do that, but my mom, unfortunately, did not recognize her bitterness. And so when I did learn to forgive my dad, and when the Lord changed my heart, that drove a wedge in our relationship. 

[00:21:00] I did try to explain to her the last time we spoke about him, I did explain. I don't think we need to talk about Dad anymore. I know you don't know him anymore, but he's not the same man you used to know. And that's the story of Jesus changing your life. I wasn't the same person. He wasn't the same person. I believe she knew the Lord. I asked her, she knew the Lord. And, um, We had some discussions about that and she told me that she did, but we, all go through seasons of bitterness sometimes and 

[00:21:27] Rayna Neises: Mm-Hmm. 

[00:21:28] Cindy Egger: and things. And, And that doesn't mean you don't love the Lord anymore. It just means you haven't come to that coping place of peace with him yet . 

[00:21:35] Rayna Neises: So share with us one thing that you wish you had known when we were first starting in this caregiving season. Marathon 

[00:21:44] Cindy Egger: My words of wisdom, find an objective person because my fear, I quit hanging around my friends because I didn't feel what they were feeling at that moment. I couldn't go and just have dinner and laugh and relax, but I didn't want to become that person that nobody wanted to be around because. it. And so, um, I've never I've never gotten a professional counselor only because I never knew how to find one. And there was really never a break long enough to do it. 

[00:22:13] Rayna Neises: Mm-Hmm? 

[00:22:15] Cindy Egger: And every situation was so different. So, didn't do any of that. I did recently discover, that our church offered something called Stephen's Ministry. It's everywhere. And, um, and that, that, uh, they paired me with a perfect lady that just had a fine Christian loving heart, prayed for me. We just got together And chatted. we And I will say the hardest thing about, I understand, like, my husband loves my mom and dad, don't misunderstand, but he did not have the same relationship with my parents that I had with his. 

[00:22:55] Rayna Neises: Mm 

[00:22:55] Cindy Egger: Because of the circumstances. His parents just were so loving from the day we met. I mean, they just adopted me. I'm married to the oldest of three sons. So they had no girls. So I'm the daughter she never had. And she became the mom that I needed. And her mom, it turns out, I did not know all this, but so she was a caretaker for her mom who had the same scenario. 

[00:23:21] She was mad and angry at the world and my mother in law was an only child. So there was no help. And I watched her be to my mother in law, what my mom had been to me would become to me. And um, so we just had a great relationship and to, for my husband and I both be grieving his mom at the same time. 

[00:23:46] It's very different than grieving my parents or my brother. Like I said, he loved them all, don't get me wrong. But, his mother's passing changed my life. And it changed his life. And on days when you want to talk about it, but the other one appears to be having a good day, You don't want to talk about it because you don't want to mess up if they're having a good day. 

[00:24:12] And so to have an objective person to just listen to my pain, to listen to my confusion, to even frustration if something's not going right in my caretaking world now that I just need to tell somebody, you just need to get it off your chest, that has been a real blessing for me. And that's just to have a person that it's okay for me to become the person I need to be And sharing and venting and hurting and crying. 

[00:24:40] It's okay. I'm not running off a friend, they're trained. I felt secure in sharing my heart, I didn't feel judged and we're no longer doing that. It didn't take long. It didn't take long for me to feel like a new person and just feel like a safe place helped, but I did gain a lifelong friend. And now we meet for lunch and it's not all about what I'm going through. So that's been a blessing. So that would be my advice is however you have to find it, when you think you don't need it, you really do. 

[00:25:13] Rayna Neises: Yeah. I love it. Thanks for being raw about that and real about that because it is very true and it is hard to know where to look. So I love that you're praising Stephen's ministry. I have not been a part of one, but I've always thought it's amazing. So I've heard amazing things about it. So if your church has Stephen's ministry, definitely seek that out. 

[00:25:35] Also coaching. That's part of the reason why I coach because it just gives you that space to just open your heart And let out whatever it is. And one of the things I love about coaching is because of my faith, I feel like it's the Holy Spirit and I sitting in the room, just listening and him using me to be able to ask questions and to just encourage, and then to cover in prayer, which I think is also so important. so powerful to be covered in prayer. Support group can be the same as well. So sometimes people find, a good connection in a support group. And so seeking those things out. And then you mentioned a professional counselor. So all of those supports are so important. Oftentimes we just feel Not sure how it could help because we know they can't change anything. But it does change things whenever we're able to just express it and not feel like you said, worried about other people and where they are and trying to meet their needs. We're doing that in so many other ways. Having those relationships that we don't have to be responsible for someone else can really be 

[00:26:41] Cindy Egger: It has been for me. And, and I think now if, if my caretaking journey started now, I do think my emotional support system would be totally different because now I have a lot of friends, you know, 

[00:26:54] Rayna Neises: going through. 

[00:26:55] Cindy Egger: it just was a totally different. World back then when it comes to recognizing that we're not superwoman. And that was, you know, that was a really good day in my life when I realized it's okay and I'm not superwoman. It helps to realize I'm human, but the expectations of I put on myself and because there was not wide range of help, so that would be my biggest takeaway is don't try to do it on your own. As hard as it is to find resources, I have discovered that they are, that is growing. That is a growing environment for help. 

[00:27:30] Rayna Neises: Definitely. Well, it's been so great to visit with you. Thank you so much for being here today and just sharing with us your journey. 

[00:27:38] Cindy Egger: Thank you. I appreciate it. And again, 30 years ago, you and I wouldn't have been able to cross paths and, and and do this. So I look forward to being a part of your community and I've listened to your podcast and, um, it makes my heart feel good to know that you're out there. helping people because I know the need is 

[00:27:56] Rayna Neises: Thank you, Cindy. That's so sweet. 

[00:27:58] Tell our audience how they can stay in touch with you again and get ahold of your book. 

[00:28:02] Cindy Egger: My website is stepsoffaith. com and then my name cindymortonegger. com. And it is a very weak representation because I'm a newbie, but you can send me an email and I will gladly information and I'm sure I'll post a link for my journal and there will be links on the website and it's on Amazon. So they're both on Amazon 

[00:28:28] Rayna Neises: and remember audience, you can always visit the show notes page and a season of caring. com slash podcast. Find Cindy's information there as well. Links that will take you directly to her website as well as to. Amazon to be able to get ahold So thank you again, Cindy. It's been great to have you today. 

[00:28:45] Cindy Egger: Thank you for having me. I greatly 

[00:28:48] Rayna Neises: And again, audience, we are so appreciative of you joining us today for stories of hope from Cindy, A Season of Caring Podcast has been created to share stories of hope for living content, loving well, and caring without regrets. for family caregivers. If you have financial, legal, or medical questions, be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.