Speaker 1: 0:04

Welcome back to a Season of Caring podcast, where we share stories of hope for living, loving and caring without regrets. I'm your host, raina Nises, and today we are revisiting the episode that has touched more hearts and sparked more conversations than any other in 2024. And with good reason. In this special encore presentation, we share the story of a remarkable daughter who has dedicated over 15 years of her life to caring for her mother. Through the ups and downs, the joys and challenges, her journey embodies the essence of unwavering love and commitment that lies at the core of caregiving. I'm excited to introduce you to Yolanda Lucas.

Speaker 1: 0:45

Yolanda has been the steadfast anchor of her family, navigating the ever-shifting currents of caring for her mom. It wasn't always smooth sailing. There were storms of frustration, days shrouded in the fog of uncertainty and nights punctuated by the low hum of worry. But through it all, yolanda's spirit remained a lighthouse, a beacon of unwavering love and dedication. She's juggled doctor's appointments with grocery runs, whispered reassurances through sleepless nights. Her laughter, the kind that crinkles the corners of her eyes, became a balm, soothing anxieties and filling the air with warmth. Though the journey is far from over, yolanda faced it with unwavering courage, her spirit forever tethered to her mother's an anchor in the sea of time, a testament to the enduring power of love and family. In caring for her mother, she has discovered a wellspring of compassion within herself, a testament of the boundless capacity of the human heart. Welcome, yolanda. I'm so glad to be able to talk with you today.

Speaker 2: 1:42

Thank you, thank you. I you're still on this caregiver journey well, it has been a long journey yes, it has been a long journey, 15 years. I started when I was around 19 20 years old, so I was one of those young caregivers, so it was put into my lap.

Speaker 1: 2:01

But yeah, but it does have a challenge I don't know with me in caring for my mom when I was that young it just kind of was what you do. It's always been a part of your relationship with her then yes, it has.

Speaker 2: 2:14

it didn't start out like how it is now. I'm talking to most of her doctors and stuff like that, so I'd basically just cater to her wounds and stuff like that. So that's where we started. But then, as the years went on and she was getting sicker, I would have to step in more and all of that, and at first I was not comfortable with that because I wasn't a person who likes to speak up and speak out, so normally just to myself, I'm quiet. I had to learn to try to just speak up and speak out as far as not trying to be scared to talk to the doctors and making sure that she's getting the best treatment possible.

Speaker 1: 2:51

Definitely a learning process in that and, like you said, you haven't really had a choice. I mean, you've had so much to deal with that you've had to be that advocate and it can be really uncomfortable. How do you think you made yourself get comfortable with that?

Speaker 2: 3:04

Just learning that I have to talk and speak up.

Speaker 1: 3:06

You do a good job of it, and so it's definitely interesting whenever I hadn't thought about your personality just being kind of being quieter and then putting yourself in that role. So what kind of challenges in caregiving with your mom have you guys been facing lately?

Speaker 2: 3:19

Mainly just trying to get her doctors to at least talk to me with her specialist. As far as her specialist trying to talk to me, I don't have an issue with her primary kids, just her specialist. They don't think they should have to talk to me and just talk to her and that's it. But due to other health issues that have came on now, they don't really have a choice. They have to include me into it because she has memory issues, so I try to remind them. Because she has memory issues, so I try to remind her. Maybe she has memory issues. So can you please just include me in the conversation or I'll send a message out to her doctors myself.

Speaker 1: 3:52

And at this point you are even looking at maybe changing what your caregiving looks like, because you've lived with her all this time and been available 24-7 pretty much, and it's gotten to a point where the needs are just really outweighing your ability to handle everything. So tell us a little bit about the transition you're looking to make.

Speaker 2: 4:12

Transition I'm looking to make is to get her into a long-term care such as a nursing home, because she needs more care, and I explained to her that, even though it was some push for a long while, but she finally agreed. So trying to get her placed in there will be the best option for her.

Speaker 1: 4:30

And you guys have had in-home care support for quite a while, but that hasn't gone so well because you've struggled with getting people to show up.

Speaker 2: 4:40

Yes, we have people who didn't show up, or they came and didn't come back, but they didn't let the agency know as far as not showing up and all that. So we had that issue, not this past. Okay, why is this so hard?

Speaker 1: 4:54

right, trying to find the right support and the help, and then personalities can always be challenging, so you definitely have your hands full, so share with us a favorite caregiving story that you have me and my guest when she had to go to the doctors one time.

Speaker 2: 5:20

She wanted to go out to eat and because her doctor's office is near a train station which is Union Station, so we were able to go out and go down there and get something to eat. Just look around, as far as the train station is old, so we were able to see different things and go upstairs, because there's levels to the train station so, and we were able to do that and just walk around and be outside, which was nice. And we also were able to see the Capitol, because I'm in Washington DC, so we were able to see the Capitol and all of that so we had a good time that day.

Speaker 1: 5:52

Yeah, it's fun to be able to get out and do something other than I mean you had to deal with the doctors, but then, once it's over, just to kind of be able to break up the routine a little bit and do something different, and you're at a point where your mom has to have transport all the time and so that can be really limiting and how often you guys can get out. So it can be fun to do different things and definitely that variety makes a difference. So what would be one thing that surprised you most about caregiving? You've been doing it for a really long time, so does anything stand out?

Speaker 2: 6:22

Yes, how time consuming it can be. So for me, this time will go by fast. I could be taking care of her, doing something for her. Then I'll look at the time and I'll say okay, the time has passed by very quickly. Sam, I may have one more thing Putting in their needs before yours, even though I've been doing it for so long, putting their needs before mine.

Speaker 1: 6:49

That's a hard balance, isn't it? Yes, being able to know what they need and help make sure their needs are met, but, at the same time, even considering your needs. Have you found yourself at times during caregiving that you totally kind of forgot about your needs?

Speaker 2: 7:05

Yeah, sometimes I will forget to eat. So I'm at that point where I have to remind myself to eat and sometimes just to get away for just a little while. While her home health aide is here, I'll actually shut my door to my room and just be alone for just a little while, whether I'm listening to music or reading or something like that.

Speaker 1: 7:25

Yeah, it can be. I hadn't really thought about forgetting to eat, but I can see where that can happen just because of how you get into the thick of everything. But it's so important to find the things that are helpful to you in keeping you healthy. I know you've gone back to school and being able to juggle that with caregiving. Any suggestions on how you handle that?

Speaker 2: 7:48

Try to schedule stuff such as me scheduling for me to study. It's still making time for myself, even while I'm in school. So if I decide to go to the movies or I go outside for a walk, I'm out with a few of my friends. That's what I try to make time.

Speaker 1: 8:05

So I know, for me, just in my caregiving, one of the things I had to do was just really plan ahead and make sure I had those things like going to the movies and seeing my friends on the schedule, because I think it can be easy to just let time go by and not even think about how long it's been since you've been able to hang out with other people. It's important, and I'm glad that you've figured out that balance. Especially, you've been doing it so long and you were so young when you started. I can see where it would be really easy to just let life be only what you guys do together, instead of doing things outside of home. We're going to take a moment out here.

Speaker 1: 8:40

This episode of A Season of Caring podcast has been sponsored by the Caregiver's Companion, a Christ-centered journal to nourish your soul, and this is a beautiful book. I highly recommend it if you've not found it yet. Every caregiver story is unique, but one thing you have in common is that you need to be nourished to have the resilience and compassion to tend to the needs of your loved ones. The Caregiver's Companion approaches caregiving not as a burden, but as an opportunity to grow and receive graces and blessings. It's written by two amazing women who are the founders of Nourish for Caregivers, an organization that seeks to improve the health and spiritual well-being of caregivers. Both Kelly Johnson and Deb Kelsey Davis have been guests on A Season of Caring podcast, so if you haven't caught their interviews, be sure to search for them.

Speaker 1: 9:31

The journal is beautifully designed. It's full color. In fact, I told them both it is so beautiful I'm not sure I want to write in it. It is a practical resource with encouraging readings, prayer and guided journaling to help you draw strength from your faith in a few sacred moments each day. It's a unique resource to remind you to care for yourself while you're caring for others. Each entry in this beautiful full-color guided journal combines prayers, meditations, reflection questions, quotations and plenty of space for personal journaling, allowing you to capture the highs and lows of your daily experience. I know you will love your copy of the Caregiver's Companion. Get yours today at AveMariaPresscom. Now let's get back to our great conversation with this young, strong caregiver, yolanda. So when you think about how God's shown up for you in your caregiving, do you have a story you can share with us about when God's shown up for you?

Speaker 2: 10:31

I would say probably last year sometime. Basically, I was crying out to him literally because I was frustrated, I was tired.

Speaker 2: 10:39

And there was really no one else to fall back on at that point in time. So it's just you know. I prayed to him. I said I need her to understand that she needs to go. I can't take this, no more, I can't do it. So God was able to finally get her to understand that it was time, even though it took someone else to talk to her again. But she was able to finally agree. It happened out of nowhere. I didn't ask her any questions anymore. She just said okay, I'm going to pay a degree to go to the nursing home. So, which I was happy about.

Speaker 1: 11:17

You just kind of found the end of your ability to just keep doing what you've been doing and her needs just kept increasing. So I can only imagine how difficult that was of just feeling like she's not hearing me and just really crying out. And as usual, I always say it feels like God's really slow, doesn't it? You're like come on, lord, I'm at the end of my rope now and he waits as long as it's the perfect timing. But I always feel like God's pretty slow, and there is actually a scripture that says God is not slow, it's his timing and we're the ones who have to get on his timing. But it can be so hard because you know you really find yourself at the end of your rope and you're thinking I cannot, there's no way I can keep doing this, but yet you really didn't have a choice. The rejoicing that happens whenever you see God move and actually see her be willing to make that change for you too. What's one thing that helps you to live content, love well and care without regrets.

Speaker 2: 12:19

I'm just making time for myself. As far as putting myself first at this point because I wasn't always like that, I usually put others before me, so that's how I usually work was so I thought of therapy, and my therapist made a point that you have to stop putting yourself first, because you've been doing this for so long and you're used to just putting everybody else things. But now you are getting to the point where you are burnt out.

Speaker 2: 12:43

So yeah it's just putting myself first time for myself, as well as still still tending to her while she's still at home, even though once you're going to nurse him, I'll still have to tend to her, make sure everything is okay. But it's more involvement because she's still at home.

Speaker 1: 12:59

Yeah, definitely yeah, I think it's such a hard thing because when we think of a first and second and third, when we put things in priorities, we think of a winner and a loser, don't we? And so it's like, well, if I'm winning, then she's losing, and that's not really true. You can still take care of yourself and take care of her. Have you found to be true, or how does it feel to put yourself for first time in a long time, or ever?

Speaker 2: 13:27

um, if it felt weird at first, yeah cool, but now it's it feels good to put myself first um, such as I will tell her hey, I'm gonna go out for a couple of hours, I'll be back, or she may notice that I'm going out, so she will actually say something. She said oh, I see that you're going out a lot. I'm there, I am making time for myself and just making sure that I'm okay.

Speaker 1: 13:50

Well, and you've had support there, but it hasn't always been support that you felt like you could go out right.

Speaker 2: 13:56

Yeah, I still have that support now. So even still, as far as the family friend, she has been here basically a year, almost two years, so she has been the support she actually will tell me to leave the house. So even if I don't have anything planned, she'll say go to the movies or something. She'll say, but get up out.

Speaker 1: 14:16

Yeah, that's good that she's also helping you take care of yourself, because sometimes it can be hard to do that, sometimes it can be hard to see that, but it definitely makes a difference not being the only one and having her there. That's been a blessing. That's an important tip that when you can bring other people in that you trust, then you need to do that, even if you don't have anything planned, because sometimes we have a tendency to go oh, I'm just here anyway, so it's not a big deal, but it is, because eventually it drains you always being on call, always being needed. So when you think about other caregivers who are in different stages of caregiving maybe just starting or been doing it for a while what would be one tip that you would have to share with them?

Speaker 2: 14:59

One tip would be to advocate as far as for their loved ones, especially in the beginning, depending on the situation where the person cannot speak for themselves or they may have a hard time doing as far as the person receiving anything from the caregiver. I would say to advocate. So that's been my number one is to advocate as much as possible and if you think something is wrong with your loved one, contact the doctor and if they're not doing anything, try to talk to them some more. Try to push it so that way they'll do something to fix the issue.

Speaker 1: 15:34

I love that you mentioned it wasn't like your natural instinct to be that kind of person. I'm a little bit pushier by nature, I think, and so I definitely found myself pushing for that. But it was so frustrating how often I felt like they weren't listening, and so I think it is hard to be that caregiver and feel like I'm always having to push. But you really do and I know initially you felt like that primary care person wasn't really listening. But eventually you guys develop that relationship that you are being heard and he does know that you know her better than anybody else and when you say something's wrong he knows that that's true. So definitely being that advocate helps to eventually maybe not make it so hard. Would you agree with that?

Speaker 2: 16:20

Yes, yes, I do agree.

Speaker 1: 16:23

I think that can be a tough role at times, and I love that not only advocating for her, you've learned to advocate for yourself.

Speaker 2: 16:31

Yes, and that was a hard one because I was used to really doing it. So when I did have to advocate for myself, as far as just making sure that I advocate for myself, speak up for myself, especially when something doesn't feel right to me, and speak on it and say something, so how have you felt?

Speaker 1: 16:50

Have you struggled with guilt when you've tried to advocate for yourself, compared to what you've always done before?

Speaker 2: 16:55

In the beginning. Yes, I felt a little bit guilty, but then I said you can't feel guilty because you need this, you need to be able to advocate and speak up for yourself, so you shouldn't feel guilty. So at first I did.

Speaker 1: 17:08

So you just kind of had a mind-shut shift in the way that you looked at it and realized that you don't need to feel guilty. So you don't need to feel guilty. So so you don't now, yeah, is that a good way of putting it? Yeah, yeah, I think that can be tricky. I think it can be really hard because, again, oftentimes we think of, if I'm taking care of me, that means I can't be taking care of her, but that's all or nothing. And it's not true. I can do both and it just doesn't have to look the way it always has. And I think that's one of the hardest changes too. I know during COVID for you guys, it looked different than it does now and then, hopefully, as she transitions into the nursing home, then that will look different. But it's still you caring for her and advocating for her, and I think that's amazing that you've been able to do that and really just help her to have the best life she can have.

Speaker 2: 17:56

Yes, I do agree with that.

Speaker 1: 17:58

So Yolanda and I met at a support group and so I'm just going to give a plug to Nurse for Caregivers. If you haven't found a support group yet that fits for you, I facilitate the Tuesday morning at 10 o'clock Central Time Nurse for Caregivers, and then we have a second and fourth Thursday evening at 7 pm, central Time available. It is a faith-based support group, which I love, so I have the opportunity to not only share our caregiving journeys but to have that prayer and opportunity to see scripture and just be encouraged by the word. So we would love to invite you, if you're interested in looking for a support group, come give us a try. Visit nourishforcaregiverscom and find the link to sign up for house calls. So thank you so much, yolanda, for sharing your story and just being able to encourage other caregivers that are maybe just now learning how to advocate for themselves.

Speaker 2: 18:52

Thank you so much.

Speaker 1: 18:54

Thank you for joining us today on a season of caring podcast. It has been created to share stories of hope for living content, loving well and caring without regrets. If you have financial, medical or legal questions, be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.