Faith and Letting Go the Heart of Caregiving: Stories of Hope with Susan Stern

What happens when caregiving transforms you so completely that it redirects your life's purpose? Susan Stern's remarkable journey takes us through two decades of caring for both parents—first as a long-distance caregiver for her father during his 10-year cancer battle, then as primary caregiver for her mother through a decade of Alzheimer's. 

The conversation reveals the stark differences between these caregiving experiences while uncovering the universal challenges all caregivers face. Susan speaks candidly about the unexpected grief that blindsided her after her mother's passing—how she found herself "regrieving" her father too.  Particularly moving is Susan's vulnerability around control. As a self-described Type A personality, caregiving forced her to become "comfortable with being uncomfortable" and to surrender her illusion of managing every outcome. 

The transformation Susan experienced wasn't just personal but professional. Her caregiving journey ultimately led her to become a board-certified life coach specifically supporting family caregivers who are exhausted from overgiving. Whether you're currently caregiving, anticipating this role, or processing your past caregiving experiences, Susan's wisdom offers practical hope. Her encouragement to ask for help, find time for self-care, and recognize that "you're stronger than you think" serves as a powerful reminder that with faith and community, we can not only survive caregiving but emerge with unexpected gifts of resilience, purpose, and deeper connection.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Susan Stern
• 6:11 Two Decades of Different Caregiving Experiences
• 11:13 Learning to Totally Trust God
• 16:09 Finding Courage Through Caregiving
• 19:27 The Balance Between Control and Trust
• 22:59 Asking For and Receiving Help

Transcript

​[00:00:00] Rayna Neises: Hi, I am Rayna Neises, your host of A Season of Caring Podcast, where we share stories of hope for family caregivers pushing through the busyness and loneliness of caregiving to see God even in this season. Today I am excited to introduce you to my guest, Susan. Susan Stern has 20 years professional experience as a medical speech language pathologist, she has a long distance caregiver for her father who struggled with cancer for over 10 years. After he passed away, she became the primary caregiver for her mother who lived with Alzheimer's for 10 years until she passed away last spring. Susan had a calling to switch careers to become a board certified life coach in her business, Spring to Life Coaching, Susan supports family caregivers who are exhausted from overgiving to set loving boundaries, so they reclaim their energy and joy.

She guides caregivers to spring to life even when it's still stormy outside. Welcome, Susan. It's so good to have you here today.

Susan Stern: [00:01:00] Thank you, rain. It's great to be here.

Rayna Neises: Well, Susan's been a guest before. We've shared a little bit about your parents before, but help us to catch up with what your caregiving looked like.

Susan Stern: It was a long season it was two decades. Two different with, my dad who had the cancer and my mom having the Alzheimer's. Two very different experiences and also different being a long distance caregiver versus the primary and, not having local family in the area.

Rayna Neises: Yeah, I think it's so challenging. Things like cancer and caregiving in that way we have a journey that comes to an end, but it's because they're better, they're healthier for a while, and then possibly have to go through that again, whereas the journey with Alzheimer's can look so different. Tell us what it was like being able to care for your mom with her journey.

Susan Stern: It was definitely challenging, yet there were glimmers of unexpected things that did, make me very grateful. [00:02:00] So caring for her the challenging part for me was in the beginning, me adjusting, I think it, she was diagnosed right after my dad passed. So here I'm in the middle of the grieving part and then stepping into that caregiver role. So that was really challenging. And I think I had a hard time adjusting to her, diagnosis and doing the caregiving.

Rayna Neises: For many people when they have both parents, they're leaning on each other and we don't really realize what's going on. So I hear that a lot that once one passes away, the second one is like, whoa, wait a minute. What's happening? And so that diagnosis of memory issues actually comes after because they'd been leaning on each other so much.

Was that your situation?

Susan Stern: Well, we actually did see some signs, and I think because we were so consumed by my dad's cancer, we weren't able to concentrate on my mom's as much. So we knew that was coming. [00:03:00] But I think the hard part too, for me was my dad was our go-to guy and he was very full of wisdom. And our captain, you know. Of our family, so we lost our captain. So it was, it was, I think that was part of the adjustment too.

Rayna Neises: And then I know that your mom's passed away here as well, and that definitely changes everything, doesn't it?

Susan Stern: It does. 'cause now I'm the oldest, I'm the, I'm the kind of like the matriarch as far as being the oldest of the four kids. So it's weird to, have that there's just a shift that your brain adapts to. And also when my mom passed, I reaggrieved my dad too, because I really, and I didn't even notice it until after she passed that I didn't have time to really grieve him because I stepped right into the caregiving.

And so then I was grieving them as a couple. And so there was unexpected things. I think when you have your person who has dementia, you think you're [00:04:00] gonna be more prepared for grief because you have all that anticipatory grief, and then when the grief happens, you're like, wow, I'm much sadder than I thought I was going to be.

And there was definitely relief. I was grateful for the days when relief was kind of number one, and then the sadness was number two, and it, it just changed. So there's just a lot that your brain goes through, as we've talked about before in grief.

Rayna Neises: Yeah. And I so relate to that. My parents died 20 years apart, I almost felt guilty that I didn't grieve my mom in the same way that I grieve my dad. And it was something I had to kind of sit with and say, okay, what's that all about? And I think it was partially. much like you said, so much was happening in my life at that time. She had been sick for 12 years and she had been nonverbal so we didn't have a conversational relationship. It was taking care of my mom, but it was different. [00:05:00] There wasn't the relationship wasn't the same. and there was a lot else going on in my life at that time that I don't think, I think I was just in survival mode, and so I definitely didn't realize. that I wasn't grieving. And then with my dad, we were very close through his 14 year journey and then obviously taking care of him the last four years and being there so much, it did surprise me at how much the grief just laid me out when he passed away. And then like you said it, then that grief for my mom kind of came up as well. think I had heard the term before being an orphan.

Susan Stern: Mm-hmm.

Rayna Neises: I didn't really relate to that until they were both gone, and then I definitely did.

Susan Stern: Absolutely. Yeah, I hear a lot of caregivers. Just really recognizing that, and I think, I don't know about for you, but I felt like I've become more nostalgic since then and I've like even looking up like vintage toys and I don't know, just going back to that [00:06:00] child version of myself, 'cause. Maybe it is that like little orphan mentality. Then you're just like, what? Can Sue Sue that little girl in you? The inner child?

Rayna Neises: Yeah, I used the word untethered. I finally put my finger on that. When my dad passed away, I felt like I was untethered, so I was just floating.

Susan Stern: Yeah.

Rayna Neises: And I realized he had been my safe place my whole life. No matter what drama or trauma was going on in my life, I always knew he was where I could run, and there was a safe harbor there. And once he was gone. It felt like that was gone. And so that was part of kind of learning and realizing in the grief why it felt so deep and allowing me to take that to the Lord and really challenge that. Is that true? Has he really always been my safe place and realize, well actually the Lord's been my safe place and so I'm not here without a safe place. I do still have somewhere to go.

Susan Stern: Exactly it. It gives us that opportunity [00:07:00] to strengthen our faith and to lean in our Heavenly Father too, who's always with us. And I feel like that is a great source of support and strength, especially when you are going through those early months of grief, that can feel all consuming.

Rayna Neises: Definitely. So what would be one thing that surprised you most in your caregiving or even after caregiving?

Susan Stern: I feel like it changed me. It helped me to do things that I didn't think I would be able to do. I'm a timid person and, it's just given me a lot more courage to do some harder things. And I think I might have even shared this on the other times I was on the podcast. It was like doing a podcast that is something I never would consider prior to caregiving.

So it's really helped me to grow outside my comfort zone. My faith has definitely gotten stronger. My quiet time is the strongest since the caregiving, you know, while I was in [00:08:00] it, and then afterwards too, it's because I had to, I couldn't imagine going through the season without my faith. So I think, what I've been surprised about is how much my faith has grown and just how God has helped shape me into a stronger different person, a better version of myself.

Rayna Neises: Yeah, it's hard that the times of the fire or the times that we're, developed the most, but it definitely is something that consistently we hear that I think for anyone who's had growth spurts in their faith it's usually been in the valley, not in the mountaintop.

Susan Stern: Yes. And I think too with us being, the former dementia care partners, is that, getting more comfortable with being uncomfortable and getting more comfortable with uncertainty.

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Susan Stern: And I think those are two areas because I'm a type A person and you and I were sharing, we're both like type A that I like to know what's going to happen [00:09:00] and control the controllable and I might even, I might even try to control the uncontrollable.

Rayna Neises: Yes.

Susan Stern: It didn't feel guilty it didn't go the way I thought it would when I was trying to control something that wasn't controllable.

Rayna Neises: Well, I think that was the big thing that stood out to me is how much I was desperate to control and realizing God's been working on that my whole life to reassure me that actually you're really not in control. Right? I always say I have naturally curly hair, and I always say that's the reason why he gave me naturally curly hair is so that every morning when I do my hair. I look in the mirror and I'm reminded I'm not in control. And so I think that's one thing we really helps us to grow in our faith is that we can trust him. It's not about our control, it's about trust. And when we feel like we can't do it anymore, we can always ask for more faith. We can always ask for that to grow. He's a good father and gives that to us.

Susan Stern: Yes, he does.

Rayna Neises: [00:10:00] So share with one specific story about, when God really showed up for you during your caregiving or after.

Susan Stern: It was during a tough season where my mom had, a UTI and the flu at the same time, and I didn't know it, and she had three falls in a week,

Rayna Neises: Mm.

Susan Stern: so then she had to go to, I had to call 9 1 1 3 times, and then that last time I said, please just keep her there at the hospital. And so she was admitted at the hospital, and then she's gonna have to go to rehab for a month. During that time, because I wasn't taking care of myself, I had a few cancer scares and one of them required a bone biopsy. And so I remember when they were discharging her, they were talking about which day I am like, well, just don't pick this day. 'Cause that's when I have to have that. Well, of course that's the day they.

Rayna Neises: was the day.

Susan Stern: So I just had to trust that it was all gonna work out. So [00:11:00] I'm blessed to have a very giving husband. So he took my mom to the rehab place. You know, he went with her, got her settled in because I had to lay flat after the bone marrow biopsy.

So it all worked out and it was times like that, and that was a scary time for me. Thankfully, everything worked out, but it was just trusting Him because that person in me who wanted to control everything, had to totally trust God to take care of it, and He did. He did.

Rayna Neises: Sometimes I hear a lot of the statement God will never give you more than you can handle, and I totally agree with that as long as you're saying with God, and I think sometimes those of us who control things and wanna be able to know what's coming and all of those things. It feels like he's given us way more than we can handle [00:12:00] because we're trying to handle it on our own and to me, caregiving is that time where you definitely realize that you are in over your head, but He's faithful and He's there and it'll be okay.

Susan Stern: Exactly, yes, we are not alone. That is definitely a message. I love caregivers to know both with our Heavenly Father and also with other people, but we have to let people know we need help.

Rayna Neises: Yes.

Susan Stern: and that is something, I think, I don't know about for your journey, but for me, in the beginning, I wasn't as good as asking for help.

And so that's an area where now I'm a much better at it. I realize, wait, I don't have to make my life as hard as, you know, I don't

Rayna Neises: Mm-hmm.

Susan Stern: to try to control it all. I can source some things out. I can ask for help.

Rayna Neises: I think it's important too, as caregivers that we realize that [00:13:00] we ask for help, but we also have to receive the help. And sometimes I find people have such rigid ways of doing things that it actually drives help away. Especially amongst sibling relationships, I think that can be really challenging when one sibling wants to do it a certain way and the other sibling is there and willing, but they aren't gonna do it the same way.

And sometimes then it feels like, well, you're not doing it right. And so I. will withdraw and not continue to offer help or continue to be there to support. I think that's one of the challenges to grow in Grace is my way, is not the only way I knew that, but I had to be reminded of that at times.

Especially even paid help, saying, Hey, I want you to do it this way. Realizing there are some things that have to be done this way. Our goal with my dad was to always do it the way he would do it. And so it wasn't about my preference, it was about his preference, but letting go of people that, did things differently or didn't. Um. [00:14:00] Weren't as detail oriented in some things. We had one caregiver in particular, my dad loved him and they had a great time. They were the goofiest old man you ever met before, but you could walk into the kitchen after he'd been there, and then almost every cabinet door was open. It was like, how hard is it to close it? You know? I thought me and his wife, she must go along behind him all the time, but it was things like that. It was like, how important is that? You know, dad really enjoys this person and it's good for him, and I can close the cabinet.

Susan Stern: Absolutely. Yes. I think, to survive, we have to have realistic expectations of ourselves and of other people when we do ask and receive help. I had a wise, person tell me when I was moving my mom to a memory care, no place is perfect and that really helped me.

Adjust my expectations. So when things didn't go perfectly, I didn't get upset. And I think the caregivers who get in trouble are the ones who [00:15:00] expect a hundred percent or 110% of everyone else. And also when they may not be getting the full picture of everything that's happening too, those caregivers can be giving a hundred percent. But just because life happens and we're all human, doesn't mean that things didn't go the way they were supposed to go.

Rayna Neises: Well, and realistic expectations are so important. They're hard to get when you're in the thick of it. But when you stand up and look high view, is no way for a facility that has one on eight or one on 12 to provide the same care that you do one-on-one.

Susan Stern: Yeah.

Rayna Neises: so that's not realistic. It's not going to happen. So understanding, again, like you said, that is so important to realize that there's not somebody sitting right there all the time. And so it's, not realistic to think there will be.

Susan Stern: Yeah, so true.

Rayna Neises: What is one thing [00:16:00] that you do to live content, love well and care without regrets.

Susan Stern: I do, love to help people. That's just how I'm wired. I get joy from that. So I think thinking about who I can help and how I can help. I do have my quiet time too, so I like to see who God puts on my heart to help, help. And I think that's always fun too. Sometimes I get surprised like, wow, I haven't thought about that person in a while.

And then just, reaching out to them and, I do have, heart for people who are feeling alone, even if they're not alone. So reaching out, one of my mom's best friends from college, we're still connected, so that's really cool to be able to talk to her. Not that she's lonely 'cause I know she's got a lot of family, but it's just how interesting how God might put her on my heart.

Rayna Neises: Mm-hmm.

Susan Stern: um, so this just variety. So I think, having my daily quiet time, looking at ways to help people and [00:17:00] where I'm learning in this. Now that it's been a year since my mom passed, is looking what will bring me joy. And I'm someone who does like to help people, and a little uncomfortable helping myself.

So I don't always look in. I'm someone who really doesn't have hobbies. If I have free time is like, okay, who can I help? And so now, especially I'm in my mid fifties, that I wanna be able to have memories or even just have specific joy of what I like to do. So now I'm thinking about a new hobby. Like I think I wanna do watercolor painting, so I wanna have a reason to get up in the morning. That's not just about helping people, it's just doing something that brings me joy.

Rayna Neises: I love that, and it does take being intentional to find

Susan Stern: Yeah.

Rayna Neises: and sometimes, especially after caregiving season, you have had to give [00:18:00] so much of yourself that sometimes those things that we had to let go of for a little while, we need to go back and pick them up again or explore new things which help our brain to stay young, to explore those new things and learn new things. You were talking about going and spending time with the Lord every morning and that immediately made me think you're getting filled up in order to overflow onto the others around you and to be able to serve them. And without that filling up, then the serving stops because we aren't overflowing and we don't have the energy or the time, the ability to overflow that joy onto others or that service onto others. I also found for me serving also helped in my healing with my grief, was being able to serve others that were walking where I had been.

Susan Stern: Exactly. I think that's where as if we're in the late part of our journey as a caregiver or after it's completed, we get our support from helping others. I agree. And I think, you know, with grief too, hearing [00:19:00] people's stories is really powerful because not everyone is patient to just spend an hour.

Two hours to listen to someone's story. And it's so therapeutic because they may not take that time on their own to just really kind of reflect of what's happened. And I think there's a lot to unpack. I don't know if I'd shared this with you before or not, but when my mom passed, I really felt like I wanted to have a debriefing session with her to like, let's talk about the last 10 years. That was a rough ride. What'd you think? What was the hardest part for you? What was the funniest part? You know, I really wanted to be able to have that, it was just my, in my own head.

Rayna Neises: Mm-hmm.

Susan Stern: But if you have time to talk with someone else who's really, an active listener, compassionate, that can be so helpful for you to just have your own ahas of [00:20:00] what that experience has been like. I mean, you just let me share today that that's given me time to be able to do that. And, um, just, I, I think that self-reflection of your caregiving and your deepest grief is just really important.

Rayna Neises: Mm-hmm. And I think doing it regularly, which you and I are both coaches and we know the value of that and people who haven't experienced coaching I think don't even have a clue and how helpful that can be. But I know you had your own caregiver coach. I had coaching through my training as I was caregiving, and I think that's one of the most beautiful things about caregiving coaching is having that space because until we slow down and someone asks and we are expected to answer, how are you? We rush to the next thing and we keep busy. And so many times the healing and the ability to make intentional decisions, it's not there because we're not spending the time.

Susan Stern: Exactly. Yeah. It's, a period of [00:21:00] refinement, right? When we're kind of under that fire, we're being refined. But if we don't take that time to pause, to look at what's changing and what parts we like and what parts we don't like.

Rayna Neises: Yep.

Susan Stern: So in that way we can evolve into that better person that we are striving to be. Yeah. So it takes time and reflection.

Rayna Neises: Mm-hmm. It does. And that's an investment in time and having the right people around to offer that reflection and offer that time and space, that investment is important and can really be worth it. I was also gonna throw out there, when you're looking for hobbies, I've taken up pickleball and I am obsessed.

Susan Stern: There you go.

Rayna Neises: you tried it yet?

Susan Stern: No, but you know what? They just built, a pickleball court. Two miles away, so I really need to do that.

Rayna Neises: You need to give it a shot. It's so funny 'cause I go to a, community rec center nearby and I notice that I am probably significantly younger than everyone else there. [00:22:00] I love it. It is so much fun. I've always been an athlete, but to find one that I haven't hurt myself. At least at this point. I'm just really enjoying it. Everybody's talking about pickleball these days, and I'm right there. I am a pickleball girl and I was telling my friend from church who goes with me, we only go one day a week. They play five days a week and I'm like, I wanna grow up and be like such and such who's there five days a week, but I have too many other things right now to do. So eventually I will grow up and I will get to that point where I can just enjoy it every day.

Susan Stern: Once a week's great. I mean, I'll strive for that, so that's great.

Rayna Neises: Yes. It's been very fun. I'm loving it. If you haven't tried Pickleball caregivers, I know it's hard to get away, but you can play for an hour and it's a lot of fun and you can take out a lot of frustrations. We know that physical exertion, and I think that's one of the things too, I'm gonna throw in there is. Our cells hold grief, our cells hold emotions and [00:23:00] only through exertion, sweating and actually working hard do we release that. And so even in a time where it's a difficult time and there's a lot of emotion or there's a lot of struggle, we might find ourselves pulling back from that type of work physical. because we're tired and there's so many other things going on, but putting it back into our lives can actually help us process some of that more. So that's, important and can be a handy little tip there. So,

Susan, what would be one thing that you wish you had known in the beginning of your caregiving or, that you would just like to encourage our listeners with today?

Susan Stern: You are stronger than you think you are. I think in the beginning you just feel like you've got the weight of the world on you, and you feel like, how am I going to carry it and am I doing enough?

Rayna Neises: Hmm.

Susan Stern: think just remembering that you're stronger than you, you think you are, and that with God all things are possible too.

So [00:24:00] just having that as a source of strength. And on those days when you feel like you can't do it, remembering to, cast it to Jesus for him to help you with that. 'cause we, like I said, we're not meant to carry it alone.

Rayna Neises: Yeah, definitely. It is amazing how much more we can do and endure than we think we can. So I, I would say amen into that. And it is important to. To realize that it's normal, to feel like you found the end of yourself and to reach out for help from others as well as really in your faith, because that does make all the difference.

Susan Stern: Yeah.

Rayna Neises: Well, thank you Susan, for being with us today. Share with the listeners how they can stay in touch with you and finding of your resources

Susan Stern: Oh sure. They can go to my website, springtolifecoaching.com, and I do have a free resource of self-care recharge ideas. So if you just have a few minutes of time, it breaks it down, giving you some [00:25:00] ideas so that way you can be intentional. And I'm also on Instagram and Facebook. My handle is at Spring to life Coaching.

Rayna Neises: Great. Thank you so much.

And listeners, thank you for joining us today for Stories of Hope with Susan on A Season of Caring Podcast, where there is hope to live content, love well, and care without regrets. If you you have medical, legal, or financial questions, be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.