Beyond the Caregiver Role: Reclaiming Your Identity and Dreams

"Who am I outside of caregiving?" This question haunts many family caregivers as they navigate the all-consuming journey of caring for a loved one. Drawing from my personal experience of caring for my father with Alzheimer's for 14 years, I unpack the struggle to maintain our sense of self when someone else's needs dominate our days and decisions.

Caregiving has a way of rewriting your identity without permission. Suddenly, you're an advocate, a nurse, a scheduler, and an emotional support system—but somewhere in that transformation, crucial parts of yourself can slip away unnoticed. I share how I realized I had stopped journaling, reading before bed, and connecting with friends—not just activities I'd lost, but pieces of my identity quietly disappearing.

The path to reclaiming and protecting your identity starts with confronting the myths that trap us: the belief that doing anything less than everything means we're failing; the notion that we should just press pause on ourselves until caregiving ends; and the guilt that whispers self-care is selfish. These lies keep us from the truth—that we are whole people whose worth transcends our caregiving role.

Through practical strategies like creating a personal manifesto based on core values, establishing healthy boundaries, and dedicating even five minutes a week to nurturing dreams, caregivers can maintain connection with their authentic selves. Remember, caregiving doesn't define you—it's a season in your life, not the entirety of who you are.

Whether you're in the thick of caregiving or transitioning to life afterward, your story continues to unfold. Download the free core values worksheet from our show notes at seasonofcaring.com/podcast and begin reconnecting with the heart of who you are today. Your identity matters, your dreams still have purpose, and you are so much more than the care you provide.

Chapters

• 0:05 Introduction: The Identity Question
• 1:29 My Personal Caregiving Journey
• 4:17 Myths Caregivers Believe
• 6:13 Core Values and Personal Manifesto
• 8:20 Setting Healthy Boundaries
• 10:37 Dreams and Future Beyond Caregiving
• 13:41 Closing: Your Identity Remains

Transcript

Rayna Neises: [00:00:00] Welcome my name is Rayna Neises, host of A Season of Caring Podcast where we share stories of hope for family caregivers breaking through the busyness and loneliness of caregiving to see God even in the middle of this season.

Today we're diving into something that goes deeper than daily tasks, something personal, something sacred. It's a question I. A question that rises up quietly on the hard days or hits like a wave when everything feels lost in the shuffle. And today we're gonna talk about it. Honestly, the question is, who am I outside of caregiving?

 If we haven't met before, or even if you've been here a while, you may Not know that I walked this caregiving road myself. I cared for my dad who lived 220 miles from the farm. He was living with Alzheimer's, and like so many families, we face that long [00:01:00] winding journey of loss, love, grief, and grace.

My sister and I teamed up along with many others to be able to keep my dad at home for his entire 14 year season. And I was one of his hands on caregivers. For over two years. I drove every week to stay with my dad for three days. And then the final, about two years of his life, I was scheduled every other weekend to take care of him. Those rhythms, they changed everything. I had to rearrange my life, my work, my relationships. I can remember moments when I realized I hadn't picked up my journal in weeks. Something I used to do very regularly.

I was sometimes too tired to even read as I fell asleep at night. I even found myself avoiding phone calls from friends 'cause I just didn't know when we'd be able to get together again, or even how to explain what I was feeling . It just wasn't [00:02:00] time that was missing. It was parts of me. That's when I realized I needed to be intentional. I didn't want to get to the end of my dad's life and completely have lost my own. So I began to create space to fight for my identity. Even in this caregiving season, I want you to have a life that you love, even while you're caring for your loved one.

And I know it's possible. Caregiving can try to write your entire identity for you. You wake up thinking about someone else's needs, you fall asleep, exhausted at night, wondering about what you forgot or what you didn't get to on your to-do list. You have to become an advocate, a scheduler, an emotional support member.

It is a lot, but I didn't let it get to that point. I made a practice of checking in with myself, what do I need? What is feeling heavy? What is hard? What brings me joy? [00:03:00] Really taking time take a survey for myself of how I was, because I was in coach training. I also worked with a coach who helped me to be intentional and together we made sure that I wasn't accidentally letting go of things that really mattered to me. I made conscious choices about what to pause and what to say no to. I want you to stop and think for a moment what have you said yes to that you didn't mean it or you just regretted instantly? What have you let go of that once brought you joy? Maybe it's time to pick it back up or name what's still missing.

One of the things that I realized during my caregiving season is that I did value connection. I'm a pretty introverted person, and so it was kind of surprising that even during the hardest weeks I had to make it a point to make connections beyond my caregiving, both with friends and my [00:04:00] husband. Even 10 minutes helped me to stay tethered to who I am.

Identity. It can be tricky. In fact, there are a few myths that we, caregivers are tempted to believe when it comes to our own identity, and if we don't name them, we can start living for them. Let me just share a few of them here with you. Myth number one, if I'm not doing it all, I'm not doing enough.

Truth, you are enough. Even when you are not everything to everyone. Your worth is not measured by your productivity. We all need to hear that, don't we?

Myth number two. This will last forever and I will never survive. And if I do, I'll just figure it out then. Truth number two. This is a season and you're living in it right now, it will come to an end and you don't have to [00:05:00] press pause on being yourself in order to be a caregiver.

You are a caregiver. In this season, you will be you. Again, possibly in a different caregiving season when this season is over. So don't forget that though it is a season, it is a season to be enjoyed, and it is a season to be yourself in, even in the middle of it.

Myth number three, if I focus on myself, I'm being selfish. Bummer. We worry about that a lot. We feel selfish anytime we try to do things for ourself. But the truth is, you are a whole person. Honoring your own needs helps you to love from overflow instead of depletion. We all know it's true. It is just tough to figure out how to do it sometimes. So let's talk about that more.

By naming the lie, it's the first step towards walking in faith and let's explore how I found a way to be able to [00:06:00] take care of myself still be true to who I am, the whole me throughout my caregiving season, and, move into a new season once I had walked my dad all the way home.

Rayna Neises: One of the most powerful tools I used to stay grounded in who I am was doing a core values exercise. This helped me to name what truly mattered the most to me, it matters what makes me me. That process led me to create a personal manifesto that became my anchor during some of the hardest parts of this season.

I wanna share that with you now. This was my personal manifesto. I did update it regularly, this is the very first personal manifesto that I created while I was caregiving.

I am the daughter of a loving king who desires to love him in all she does. I am a supportive and loving wife to my [00:07:00] farmer. I'm a daughter, sister, step Monster, Graham, and friends who values relationships with my family and friends by making them a priority. I'm a person who shares her life transparently so that others may be encouraged to walk confidently with God.

I know there is hope when life stinks. I believe in truth telling, compassion, honesty, integrity, and consistency. I think feel and act with grace, always.

If you'd like to learn more about how I created my personal manifesto, it's available in my book, in the 13th chapter of No Regrets, hope for Your Caregiving Season. And if you want to get started now, you can go ahead and visit the show notes page to find a free core values resource to help you reconnect with the heart of who you are. Take some time this week. Write down five [00:08:00] moments in your life when you felt fully alive. What were you doing? Who were you with? What mattered most? Look for thread that's where your values are at work.

Intentionally being aware of what my core values were, is one of the ways that I really held onto my own identity during caregiving. Another one was boundaries.

Boundaries can get a bad rap. So I'm gonna talk a little bit about why they're so important. One of my favorite definitions of boundaries is a place where I end and you begin boundaries protect your identity. They give you room to be a whole person, not just a helper. They give you space to be able to know what's yours and what's not yours.

I remember the time in which I realized I needed to cut back how often I was going to care for my dad. I was missing family events. It had been going on for over two [00:09:00] years, and I finally reached a point where I knew I just needed to find someone else to cover some of the weekends for me, you know, I have to be honest with you. It was hard. I wanted to be able to be there for him every week, but it just got to a place that I knew I couldn't.

I knew that if I continued, I'd be compromising my health and the space that I needed to be present with him when I was there. That decision didn't make me less loving. It actually made me more sustainable. We don't know how long this caregiving season will last, so we need to be sure that we are protecting and taking care of ourselves so that we can make it all the way to the end.

Where are you disappearing instead of showing up with wholeness? Where do you need a boundary right now? So let's do a little identity check in. Close your eyes if you're in a safe space. Not if you're driving. Picture [00:10:00] yourself outside of caregiving, who are you?

When you are not meeting someone else's needs? What brings you joy? Deep down, joy not tied to accomplishment. What does God say about you? Where do you see his fingerprints in who you are?

That person, she's still here. She has not gone away. She's just waiting for you to remember her.

Caregiving doesn't mean your dreams are gone, just that they may look different. During my caregiving season, I started my coaching practice. I finished up my certification and I coached in the evenings while my dad was asleep, and I grew into the work that I do now.

This can be a building season. It doesn't have [00:11:00] to be a season of loss or of death of dreams. Even five minutes a week, tending to a dream is still movement. Ask yourself, what do I want to carry forward after the season is over? What small thing can I do this week to honor that? It might be picking up a book and learning more about it.

It might be talking to someone who's living that dream or who is exploring that dream so you can learn more about it. This season will end and in order for you to walk your loved one all the way home and have a life that you love, you need to hold on to those dreams.

So caregiving. It doesn't define you, guilt, it doesn't define you.

God does. He says you are chosen. He says, you are loved. He says, you are seen. He says, you are [00:12:00] cherished. And he knew you were worth dying for. Romans 8 38 says, nothing can separate us from his love. Not exhaustion, not doubt, not fear. You're not just a caregiver, you are a daughter of the king.

If you're nearing the end of your caregiving season or you're already on the other side, you may be wondering, who am I now?

That's a sacred place to be grief and freedom, often walk hand in hand there. Let them I. You are still here. You are still whole. God still has plans and purpose for you. Even if you are feeling disoriented, you're not lost. Your story is just still unfolding.

So friends, I wanna remind you, you're not invisible, you are not forgotten, and you are not defined by your [00:13:00] role as a caregiver.

I wanna ask you to do two things for me. First of all is visit the show notes page, www.aseasonofcaring.com/podcast. Go to this episode and you will find that free core values worksheet. I wanna walk you through how to find those core values so that you can turn around and hold onto them so that your identity will stay strong throughout this season for you.

And the second thing is challenge you to learn more about coaching with me. If you are struggling to rediscover your identity to move forward, continue to grow even in this difficult season, or to deal with guilt or bitterness because of the caregiving season, I would love to walk with you, learn more, explore. Let's have a conversation what coaching would look like and how I can help you through this difficult season.

Well, until next time, remember, you matter your identity. It is intact and your [00:14:00] story is still being written.

Thank you for joining me today for A Season of Caring Podcast , Stories of Hope for family Caregivers helping you to live content, love well, and care without regrets even in this caregiving season. If you have medical, legal, or financial questions, be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.